Why is dating so difficult after coming out

You're an aggressive chicken? Interesting combo.

Seriously, though. I think most of what ails us is all in our heads. if you're friendly and able to chat comfortably, maybe decide beforehand what "move" your comfortable with and decide you'll try it once this time, twice next time...

I imagine something as simple as throwing in a hand touch and saying, "This is fun. Want to go for X on Yday?"

I know I'm terrible on the spot so ...

 

Hi,

I would not suggest vulnerability as that is earned like respect. Rather just be "open" to possibilities and consider them.

 

I wish that I had someone to go to a club with, there is one lgbt club here, but my daughters went one weekend and said there were a ton of straight guys there just drooling and they were really grossed out. Being in eastern Washington, in a fairly small area, makes it hard. I would love to just be able to be a part of the local lesbian/bi community and make some friends, get to know people, etc... but geezz it feels impossible lol. For me, most of my struggle is that the majority of the butches that I run into in the community are half my age, closer to my childrens age!

 

Hello!

I have been doing some research lately and what I have discovered is that we teach men to pursue and women are to be pursued. Meaning, women are the ones to be approached, they are not the people who initiate the conversation. Obviously this does not work for lesbians because no men are involved, therefore we have to learn to initiate the conversation.

In addition to this, you have noted a very important point, who is gay? Invisibility is a common issue among the LGB population it can lead us to being single for long periods of time. Unfortunately this period does not pass and it will remain a constant struggle.

If you are a chicken like me, try online dating. It is a great way to know who is actually gay and available, also all you have to do is send the first message to someone. Rejection is simply someone not messaging you back in most cases.

Also the research I have found suggests that women are more successful at finding partners through other friends. Finding a partner is like finding a damn job in this economy. Another interesting point that was made was from the book was that lesbians often go by different dating-scripts. This means the way we date is different from heterosexuals, the most common script was the friendship script. This script goes something like this: two women become friends, spend time together-no pressure, at some point they fall in love, a relationship begins. This is a slow process but has promising results as opposed to having an immediate, exclusive relationship soon after you meet.

If you are interested in the book it is called "Lesbian and gay couples" by Ski Hunter (2011).
Lesbian and Gay Couples: Lives, Issues, and Practice: Ski Hunter: 9781933478746: Amazon.com: Books

 

I joined a gay choir about 18 months ago, there is a core group of members and there are also people who come and go.

By joining such a group, it automatically eliminates the question of who is gay, and, as the choir is composed of roughly 20 people, and each of them know a number of gay people (we meet mostly at parties that some members organize), there are several opportunities to know many more and to get known by them.

One such guy showed up in September; he and I are now dating. We both entered into this with intention and talked about taking it slow, deliberately not calling each other BFs until it feels right, etc.

So, for now, it's great spending time with him and most importantly, getting to know him...so far so good, but it could at any moment change; hence the difficulty of dating is the difficulty of getting to a point where it can become more serious, or it has to end.

So far, so good...

 

I'm going to a gay mixer this Friday. This group does this once a month.

Eliminating that who is gay question seems a big one

 

Thank you for your honesty, because you present all sides of the situation.

I don't know how it is for women, but I'm sure the similarity is that the pool of available people, percentage wise, is smaller, as if it is for G/B guys. That's the first challenge.

As others have said, it might be helpful to put yourself in places where the women you'll run into will in fact be lesbians.

A lot of people say they want to date and be in a relationship after coming out but not all are serious about it. Some are going through the motions. I was once looking for a FWB situation. I met a couple of bi guys and a couple of gay guys through this "interview" process. It clicked with a bi guy but, after about 9 months, he found a girlfriend. He had been married before, was in the mortgage business, and had 2 daughters. If you end up with someone bi, that can happen. I didn't hold it against him. He just needed to move on and found someone for probably more than a FWB situation. He was a good guy but he was a friend ... with benefits. As for the two gay guys, the meetings were ridiculous. I've probably told about this one before, but I sat there having dinner one night with this attorney guy who looked like a younger, dirty blond haired version of Oliver North to hear him tell me about how he wanted to meet 'someone like Dylan McDermott to take back to North Carolina to meet his parents.' I thought, "Good luck." After some situations like that, I took a much more passive approach to it all ... and I'm not talking sexually.

If you act like you don't really care, that can help. It might not get you into a relationship, but it might get you into the sack. Hope that helps.