Fellow ECers Seeking some advice…. I came out to the world properly about 4 years at the ripe old age of 47, after years of partially closeted bisexuality and only having had two fleeting but deep relationships with women. My true 'coming out' as a gay man has been helped by having some amazing therapists and meeting some incredible gay guys in a supportive life coaching group and by just being open to learning about my new self. Lots of reading, talking, meeting other LGBT people, going on retreats, joining social groups. So all in all an incredible, life changing journey. My friends and family have been non-judgmental and accepting (every last one of them - something I was not expecting!!). I have still have lots of stuff to work through, years of shame and guilt will not evaporate over night and still have dark days of massively low self-esteem and confusion. I still haven't had a gay relationship or gay sex, but I am pragmatic and open and patient about that. Still learning to truly love myself. So my question is…what next? I have been contemplating trying to set up a 'group' for gay men in my locality. I don't live in a huge city and the gay community around me is small and close. There are social groups around (and I am a member of some of them), but what I think is lacking is a group that can support gay men and discuss the many issues we face. Even in a rapidly changing and increasingly accepting country like the UK, many gay men struggle daily with learning to live an authentic gay life in a straight world. I think i want to do this to 'give something back', to help those who have not yet been able to come to terms with their sexuality or who have, but are questioning what it means to be gay in 21st century UK. I am not sure if I want the group to be for gay men only, or even just older gay men or for the wider LGBT+ community? I am not sure if it would be a discussion group or be more based around group counselling or even around spiritually? I don't know if such a group is what gay men want or need? Or is it just me? I don't know if I can find the strength to step up and do this? So really just putting this out there for advice and support - has anyone set up something similar? How has it worked etc?? xxx
I haven't set up anything similar, but I would say go for it! I personally, would love something like that! I'm a lot younger than by you, but surely everyone needs support and to be able to meet people like them no matter what their age. Make use of social media for sure, put up flyers at grocery stores, libraries, anywhere where people go! A library might be a good place to meet, but some may be concerned with privacy for closeted members so I'm not sure where else you could go.
I don't know if they have any activities in your area, but our friends over at TheQuestAwaitsYou.com have some marvelous groups, mostly in London, but occasionally in other parts of the UK and surrounding areas. We (EC) have promoted some of their events. They run some great workshops and work primarily with later-in-life men, so they might be a great resource for finding local groups or perhaps in helping to start something in your area.
A lot of people rave about their "men's group". I have never been to one though. but I guess it is a weekly or monthly get together / discussion group with some facilitator present to steer it. Maybe get in touch with one and pick their brains?
Hi, I think you should start with local therapists that run such groups. I placed the thought with a male, gay therapist and he realized there was no group of this nature in our area. He of course is tied into local therapist network. Pull on networking strings and see what happens. Tom
We have a community alliance which gets together once a month for "potluck" dinners at the homes of some of the members, usually the larger ones best suited for entertaining a fair number of people. Sometimes we go to local parks or similar facilities where a pavilion or meeting room can be reserved for the group. There is a modest annual fee of $25, which gets translated into a $150 subsidy per dinner for the host to purchase the primary entre and drinks, which are supplemented by side dishes and deserts which each participant brings. It is more of a social occasion to meet other people than a discussion group, but some interesting discussions have certainly taken place between the people who show up for the dinners, usually 30-40 people per dinner out of a membership of around 90 people. The food makes for a relaxed atmosphere, with eating it something to do without feeling so awkward while meeting other guys. This is not therapy per se, but it does help the newly out to become comfortable engaging in social contacts with others who are gay, and the home venues make the experience very private for people not comfortable to be out to the general public. This is something you could start as a casual monthly event with a core group of people and grow it if there is local support and interest.
Thank you for all your thoughts and general encouragement. I will ponder more. I am a graduate of Quest workshops Chip - they were and are amazing and transformative. They are very London focused and I am keen to see if similar things can happen away from the buzz of the Capital...
