Hello all I'm a 47 year old guy who accepted the fact that I'm gay over the past year or so. The good news is I never married and don't have any kids, so those complications don't exist. The bad side is that I've never had ANY sort of romantic relationship- so its not "just" a case of figuring out the gay dating/social scene- its learning to be part of ANY romantic (and to some extent social) scene. I should have known I was gay since middle school (to be fair that was in the early 80's so being gay was not as accepted). I never had any interest in girls but DID notice good looking guys. Shirtless guys caught my interest, but not pretty girls in skimpy clothing didn't. I convinced myself it was because my social development was messed up due to not having a good social groups (I was teased throughout middle school and the beginning of high school) and had a very dysfunctional family situation (my parents haven't slept in the same room for more than 30 years and its beyond me how they even got married, much less had me). Both of these DID screw up my social skills (and are part of the reason I have no social life, even outside the dating world). However, if I had looked at things honestly, I should I have known I was gay. In retrospect, even at college, when I was away from home and had a good group of friends, nothing really changed. Fast forward to early last year. An acquaintance tried to fix me up with one of her (female) friends. I immediately had all kinds of anxiety. More importably, I realized i had the same reaction any time talked about setting me up with someone (and the one time I had a girl expressed interest in me). Long story short, I finally realized the anxiety was because the "fix ups" made me confront my sexuality. I now accept the fact that I'm gay. At this point, I'm only out to myself and my therapist. I've also done nothing to connect with the local gay community- which brings me (at last:lol to my question. The last few weeks have reminded me that not having a significant other, or at least a strong social group, is not really the best way to live. I had my gallbladder out about two weeks ago. Everything went fine (it was outpatient surgery, believe it or not), but of course I needed to have someone there to take me home after the surgery and someone to stay with me for the first 24 hours. My only option was my parents. The idea of having to stay with them was actually more stressful than the surgery (luckily it wasn't TOO bad). Plus they are in their 80s and obviously couldn't do much for me. I've been home (my house) alone for the last 10 days- back to work tomorrow. I want to have emotional support/helping hands other than my parents (my work group is actually like family, but its probably better not to rely entirely on that...plus it was not a viable option for the surgery). How do I dip my toe into the local gay community so I can start developing a social circle? As an aside, nothing is going to happen for a while. Before anything can happen, I need to deal with the family issues better, especially my mother's need to have me available 24/7. Still, I'm trying to focus on small steps, and doing things to take care of myself (thus my user name), and having some ideas will give me direction- and let me see that things CAN change. Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for the help.
Hi. I'm glad that the surgery went well, and that you're feeling better. A few years ago, I had surgery on my leg, and I remember being both pleased and anxious that my parents were there to help me out. They were on their best behaviour, but it's still stressful. And it was one of those times when I felt so incredibly alone because I had no partner or boyfriend. I'm glad to hear that you're working with a therapist, and you sound motivated to move on with your life. My first thought is that it might be good to come out to some of your straight friends. Do this at your own pace. First, it would alleviate the pressure of going on dates with women. You don't need that pressure or anxiety. If you have a handful of straight friends who know, you can feel a bit more stable socially, and it makes branching out even easier. Having straight friends has been helpful when I've had dismal luck dating. They can laugh with me at bad experiences, and help me feel less isolated when dating goes awry. As far as connecting with the "gay community" goes... it works better for some people than others. I'm a fan of volunteering. You might want to scour the web and see what sort of GLBT volunteer activities are available in Philadelphia. For example, I used to volunteer my time at a gay men's health clinic. I didn't meet any best friends there, but it helped me feel like I belonged. I was nothing like most of the people who worked there, but they were all gay. And that felt reassuring. Depending on your own interests, there are often gay-oriented groups involved in politics, animals, public health, the environment. It will probably be anxiety-producing to go, but I think that volunteer organisations are less stressful than just social groups: everyone is there for a common purpose in addition to being gay.
Hi, Welcome. Am I reading corrextly... No close friends? If so most likely a form of self protection. Once out no need for it.
Actually my boss and I are really close (he does not know I'm gay yet) but I realize in many ways thats not the best support system to rely on- certainly, a support system out of work would be helpful, especially for work stress. I am in a community band and have made some friends there...had one I ended up with a big brother/little brother relationship, but he had/has issues, essentially disappeared for a while and only pops up from time to time. A lot of the lack of friends comes form some vicious cycles- poor social skills, no social life in high school, family issues (thats what put me in therapy in the first place), and a job that gives me little free time. My plan is to keep working on figuring out who I am and what I need (I've spent too much of my life worrying about what everyone else needs), then work more on the social thing. The two goals I have at the moment is (a) to come out to at least one person by the end of the year [most likely an old friend [now in the military and not able to be part of my man support system] who came out a few years ago] and (b) have a significant other by the time I turn 50- Im 47 now, never have had a significant other, so that isn't as "long term" as it may sound]
If you are close with your boss, consider going ahead and telling him. You don't have to wait for the first person you tell to be "the perfect friend." What I am finding as I tell the people close to me, besides the feeling of relief, is that it is helping me to let my guard down in other areas of my life. It's hard to get close to people when part of you is always holding back and keeping them at arm's length. Honestly, it takes practice to let go of that after years of clinging to the subconscious thought "if xyz really knew me, he/she wouldn't like me." (Which maybe that's just my own issue and not only related to being in the closet, but I've always kind of felt that way.) Have you looked on meetup.com? My city has a couple of gay-men social groups, but I am not quite comfortable enough in my new skin to try one, yet.
whatdoIneed - Wow, your story hits real close to home for me. I knew I liked guys (and was indifferent to women) but grew up in the mid-late 1980s when the AIDS crisis and homophobia were really bad. Throw in a dysfunctional family situation (an alcoholic parent and divorce), and similar teasing, I wound up growing up without enough friends and socially isolated. Since I had to work while going to college, not much social time then either. About a year after I graduated college, an acquaintance suggested I ask a girl out. I did ask, but got shot down. That forced me to confront my feelings - as I really had no interest in the girl, just asked her out because a friend thought I should. And then I had been treated to a barrage of wedding announcements from lots of people I went to school with growing up. Within a couple of months I had to accept that I was (and still am) gay. As for what to do next... First thing to do is to find a comfortable / laid-back but gay-oriented social group. This shouldn't be a sex-oriented group, but rather for things like dinner or activities. I recommend this over going out to the bars, as the "meat market" atmosphere at bars can be high-pressure and competitive. Some examples of these kinds of groups: a gay-affirming church, a gay men's chorus, a meditation group, a few different groups that do parties and potluck dinners, a movie night group, etc. Where I live there are also a lot of other groups I haven't tried, for outdoorsy stuff (hiking, camping, etc.), bowling leagues, book clubs, etc. In my own situation I had to spend a lot of time learning how to be comfortable around gay men. I had internalized a lot of homophobia from the 1980s and saw myself as "not like other gay men." Because I was so socially awkward and anxious, it took a year for me to get over that enough to be a good friend (or possible partner) for another guy. As you start going to more gay-oriented events, keep your eyes and ears peeled for others. Guys tended to warm up to me more after seeing me in two or three gay-oriented venues. You'll also be more likely to make more friends and start building up a social circle. Also, don't fall into the (all too common) trap of only talking to / befriending guys who are your "type" or find attractive. I'd suggest starting out making friends before making the leap into dating - and so what the other guy looks like shouldn't be a big deal. --- One other question - how does your mom put this expectation of you being available 24/7? Is there something you can do to "manage down" those expectations, like not answering the phone every time she calls, calling back when convenient for you, etc.? Or does she have a health situation that requires you to be "on-call" like this?
Sounds like you're coming into yourself and the above people gave you good advice. I just wanted to mention that I don't view my kids as "complications"; they are the joy of my life and always have been Hope it all works out well for you. ---------- Post added 9th Feb 2015 at 12:22 PM ---------- I'm not trying to be ornery. Please forgive me if I sound that way. Right now, I'm sensitive on the issue.
I think he just meant there weren't any kids to consider when making decisions. Recognizing an added complexity when other people are impacted.
Hello, I hope you are feeling better and recovered from your surgery. What you say is a big probelm for a lot of people who are on their own later in life. Not having anyone to help or support is a really big worry, i know that i get overly stressed about work, money health etc as i dont have any help from anyone if things go wrong. I hope that you continue to move forward with things and are successful in the process of coming out. Once you start with the small steps the bigger challenges should be easier. Love Molly x
Yes, the reference to "complications" just meant my coming out doesn't affect other people directly. Yeah, what I gotta do is find a way to fit in some socializing or finding gay support groups. Im still figuring out who I am, and need to keep working at that- as my therapist said, fully living as a gay man is something I'll do on my own time and on my own way. The one thing is I wonder if Im homosexual but a romantic- I just can't picture the romance stuff- of course thats likely from never having a boyfriend/girlfriend and is just more reason to take time and figure it all out.
Sexuality is endlessly complicated. Women have always been my best friends and yes, I feel romantically inclined towards the opposite sex in a Victorian kind of way. I always admire female beauty and am quite drawn to it but all of my attraction to women in this way is devoid of sexual interest. I am drawn sexually towards men absolutely, with no doubt. It is a mind fucking dilemma.
you should be very proud of the fact that you have been able to figure all this out about yourself, and that you are moving forward. Congratulations!!! I suggest working on building up friendships in the LGBT community. you can meet people through meetups, through working on LGBT political action groups, by going to a gay friendly church, etc. I can imagine that having to care for your parents can be a real complication. but this can also become another excuse for postponing life. we can all get overloaded but we have to carve out some time for us to have our own lives as well, IMHO. good luck! (*hug*)
