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Life after coming out of the closet...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by badger, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. badger

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    Is life hard after coming out of the closet? What aspects? How do you deal with them? Is it worth staying in the closet to not have to deal with what were to come if having out? Can my life stay exactly the same and have everyone know that I am gay?

    - someone who is ready to come out but with anxiety
     
  2. BlueSky224

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    Badger,
    I think there is sometimes a myth that once you "come out" the sun starts shining and life is just perfect. It's not quite like that, but it's a whole lot better than being in the closet.

    First, "coming out" for most people isn't a one-step process. You've expressed a lot of familiar fears: "will everyone know?" The answer is "no; they won't." But once you come out to one other person, that means that others could potentially find out too. This is just part of human communication, and not necessarily malicious.

    I remember thinking that I could count how many people knew. But then I sort of gave up and realised that I couldn't control that. It's tough to lose that sense of control, but you can come to accept that some people will know, others won't.

    As far as your life staying the same? If you'd like it to be the same, it can! You do not have to change jobs, cities, gyms, supermarkets, laundry detergents... In fact, it would probably help you feel more secure having a sense of routine.

    TV and movie depictions of "coming out" are usually much grander than real life (no surprise.) Telling a friend or family member that you're gay is a huge challenge. But then you can wake up the next morning and say, "Okay. I did that."

    Although everyone is different, I suggest a one-step-at-a-time approach. You might already have someone in mind to tell. See how that goes. And it may be anti-climactic: all of this anxiety and build-up and then your friend or family member says "okay."

    I do not know how old you are, or what your social circles are like, but I can tell you that an extraordinary number of people do not care. My straight guy friends are totally disinterested. We're friends; it's fine. Nothing changed at all.

    Unless you make a point of telling people, "coming out" can be lifelong. For example, I have a friend who never says anything. Perhaps he's "done the math" and doesn't know what to say, or he doesn't want to offend me... I don't know. But he's not catching on, so I'm going to have to tell him. It's still anxiety-producing, but I also know that he'll be fine. We'll still be friends. And it will make life easier because he'll stop looking for women for me to date. Maybe he'll find a guy :slight_smile:

    Lastly, I don't think that staying in the closet is a good idea. I get it. I REALLY get it. Sometimes it feels safe or more convenient. But the closet places so much stress on one's life. It's exhausting to have to cover your tracks at every moment. And the closet carries a lot of shame with it; it's a whole lot easier to leave that behind.

    Be patient with yourself. And we will support you here too.
     
  3. Thelyingleo

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    I came out late in life, and I wish that I had done it younger... that being said I feel soo good about being out finally. I have three adult daughters and it wasn't as easy to tell them as I thought it would be, but I still feel better about being true to myself than hiding who I am. This past year hasn't always been easy, and it hasn't all been hard, but at the end of the day, I can sleep better knowing that I am not living a lie anymore. This is an amazing site full of people who will support you no matter what.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    I wouldn't say it's hard, just different. And really, HOW different depends at least in part how you go about it. My life really hasn't changed a whole lot in many respects, and depending on where you are and what kind of a life you're currently living, it may or may not need to change much.

    A lot of cheesy TV movies about coming out have a scene where the person wails to someone who isn't accepting them, "But I'm the same person I always was!" That's actually an important thing to remember. You are the same person you always were. We didn't go into the closet because we were healthy, well-adjusted, secure people. Everyone's experience is different, but realistically, people WERE openly gay for years, and although it wasn't nearly as socially acceptable as it is now in many places, people DID have the guts and strength to come out. We didn't. We all went into the closet for different reasons--fear, insecurity, pressure from family, the belief that society would reject us and so on. It's important to remember that your fears didn't just evaporate, and you need to deal with them if you want to come out and be happy.

    If you're quiet and introverted, coming out isn't going to make you instantly social and outgoing. (Although you may become less self-conscious, as I have, and be better equipped to deal with social situations because you're more comfortable with yourself.) If you jumped into a straight marriage to fulfil some need to have a person in your life, you're not magically going to become independent and strong enough to stand on your own. If you were convinced that society would reject you if you were gay, you'll likely have the same fears now and it will make you isolated and paranoid. You really ARE the same person after you come out.

    I'm not a therapy person, for better or worse--much more of a DIY kind of guy, and my way of dealing with things has always been to play out scenarios in my head so I can convince myself I'm prepared for whatever happens. Kind of like the WOPR in WarGames (yes, oldest child, oldest grandchild, control freak :lol:slight_smile:. I'm not advising that! You might be better served by seeing a therapist first to talk about what to expect and how to handle things.

    What's important, I think, is that you look at coming out as part of an overall effort to improve who you are and how you deal with things. Work on becoming a stronger and more positive person. Build up your self-esteem and your sense of trust in others (not blind trust--more like, try to lose the instant suspicion and judgement that poisons relationships with people and makes you seem toxic to be around). Take inventory of the people in your life and realize that some of them will fall away as you come out, but some may be wonderful allies, possibly unexpectedly so. Be realistic but not pessimistic about how you'll be accepted as you come out. For instance, I had several co-workers who are gay who were great resources and support people. I have one sweet cousin who has been incredibly supportive--we've talked each other off of ledges many times throughout our lives. The music director at my church has a gay brother and she's been very loving and accepting. By the same token, my brother and his wife have become somewhat distant, but I expected that based on who he is, and while I hope he comes around, I'm not holding my breath because our relationship wasn't that great to begin with, and his behavior isn't much different than it was when I was still in the closet.

    As BlueSky224 mentioned, it's not going to be a big deal to some people. Let's be honest--this is something that has been on YOUR mind for years, not theirs. I had a few people tell me that they had always kind of suspected, and a few have given me a pat on the back and said they were glad I was able to accept myself. Some were vaguely surprised and have never mentioned it since, and others were surprised and ended up very supportive. Some were curious (especially since I stumbled into a great relationship very quickly). But for all of them, it's not a subject of frequent conversation, other than the standard "So did you and your boyfriend do anything this weekend?" And for the ones who can't deal with it--well, a little "housekeeping" and purging dead weight in your life doesn't hurt. At some point you stop "coming out" and start just "being out"--that's the point where it's no big deal and being gay is just a part of who you are. And that's a great feeling!

    Long post, sorry. To wrap up, yeah, it's difficult, yeah, somethings will change drastically (although some won't). I won't lie to you and say it's fun while it's happening. I'm ending a 20+ year marriage and facing numerous challenges, but it's balanced by the great sense of relief I have in being able to be who I am. If you work on being positive and confident and strong first, you'll be able to plow over the rough spots and come out ahead. I'm much happier and feel a great sense of personal healing since I started the process. Good luck!
     
  5. SWburbchgo

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    Choirboy as always a great response along with Bluesky and thelyingleo. Badger, I am new to coming out too so I am glad you asked the question. The bottom line for me is that my old life is going to be different than my new and the new feels freer.
     
  6. JT7314

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    Of course life is a little different and yeah its not easy at first. But you get this sense of relief when you finally come out but at the same time there are hardships. I would reccomend it tho because not only can you let the real you out but now you can also begin accepting it yourself. Which i am in the process of doing right now and trust me its not so bad it's more of an internal stuggle than struggles with others at this point and im 4 years in and 2 years engaged. It's a long process but it also depends on how you make it for yourself.
     
  7. arturoenrico

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    I'm only 1/2 out or 1/3 or 1/4 out. Not sure. I'm out to my wife, kids, my wife's family (not my family), most friends, random people in my nosy town but not out at work. For me, my life has turned upside down and not in a positive way. I'm lost at sea at night in a storm without any navigation equipment. I'm not meaning to be discouraging but this is how it's been for me. I participate in many groups at the LGBT center in New York City; most of the men who have come out later in life are happier and feel liberated. It just didn't happen for me, at least not yet. I'm re-building from scratch.
     
  8. badger

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    Thanks so much for the replies! It really helps!
     
  9. OGS

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    I think to be honest it depends a lot upon how established your life is. In some respects I was very fortunate in that I came out shortly after finishing college, so I just sort of stepped out and started my new life. And, frankly, I got to do that at a time when I would have done something very similar even if I had been straight. For me the experience was really almost entirely positive. I came out over twenty years ago and coming out really was about finding that I wasn't alone. I really grew up not even realizing that "gay" was a thing, let alone that I could go out and find a thriving community of people like myself. As I got a bit older--say high school age--I was aware that there were other people out there who were like me but was told that they were rare and secretive degenerates. I honestly couldn't imagine any kind of real life out there for someone who was gay. As a result I actually tried to kill myself my senior year in high school. I grew up Mormon in a very religious household and was convinced I would be disowned--that's why I waited until after college to come out. As it happened my family and friends were wonderful about it and one of my deepest regrets is that I didn't come out earlier--back in the eighties I don't think coming out in high school was really an option like it is now, but in retrospect I could have come out when I started college and it would have been much better if I had.

    As to life after--for me it was a constant series of learning that I could have all those things that I hadn't thought I could have. My relationship with my family actually improved--my Father once commented that it had always been like there was something about me that he couldn't quite understand and it had just sat there between us in all our interactions preventing us from really relating to each other, but now he knew what it was and it didn't have that sort of power any more. I became much more outgoing and social--my Mother once commented that it was like I was finally "really there" and marveled that she hadn't realized how withdrawn I had been until it all fell away, almost overnight. I became so much more confident--there are few things like facing literally your worst fear and walking through it to the other side to convince you that life's little challenges will work out one way or another. I remember on several occasions in my twenties having that sort of should I or shouldn't I fear about something and asking myself "What's the worst that could happen? If this doesn't work out will everyone I know and love turn their backs on me forever?" No? Alright, full speed ahead!

    Finally, it made me grateful--and this for me is the real blessing of being gay and growing up when I did. I have all the things that I never thought I'd have and every day I marvel at it anew. Don't get me wrong, I don't have any amazing life by normal standards--I have a circle of friends who really know me, accept me and love me; I have a partner I adore with whom I have shared my life for seventeen years; I have a home that, while not extravagant, I love (a one bedroom condo that many would consider small overlooking the beach from the eighteenth floor); I have a job that while it isn't glamorous I enjoy, where I can be myself and where I am compensated generously if not extravagantly. In the context of this forum that probably sounds pretty good but the fact of the matter is that for the (straight) people I grew up with that was the baseline, the level that would make your life tolerable and if your life was going to be "good" you would build that on top of that, you'd have an amazing job or make a ton of money or have a mansion somewhere or a model for a wife or something. But for me my little life is literally better than I even dared imagine. My perfectly normal life feels like I won the f'ing lottery.

    So... I guess I should address the fact that it isn't all cream and peaches. Some people are assholes and some people you don't even know will dislike you--but you know what? that happens to straight people too. My experience though is that there is so much less of this than I ever imagined (even twenty-five years ago) and you don't have to associate with these people if you don't want to. People will say things that apply to you without even realizing they are. But this happens in the closet too, only now you can do something about it. In my experience the quickest way to get someone to stop making casually homophobic comments is... tell them you're gay. The Pope will say you shouldn't be able to get married. But you know what? You'll probably never meet the Pope. Sure some people will listen to him (about you), but you know what? More people will listen to you about you. In my experience most people who have negative notions about gay people have little or no exposure to actual out gay people--and knowing you and that you are kind and funny and responsible and loyal... and gay is going to have much more bearing on how they actually think about gay people than anything the haters say.

    Wow, that was long. Anyway--synopsis: It's better, way better!
     
  10. Choirboy

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    This is a great statement, and very true! Who you are, what you do, what you stand for and how you treat other people is much more significant in the long run than your orientation. You will turn far more people off by being negative, angry, rude and complaining than you will for being gay, and you just might change the minds of some of them if you remember that STRAIGHT people are people too!
     
  11. SWburbchgo

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    OGS - What a great post. I am so happy for you and am optimistic about my own experience. Although I cant see it right now I am sure that my relationships with my family will improve as I am beginning to be less UPTIGHT about everything! I hoping it will shine through. So glad I found this community here.
     
  12. tscott

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    I don't know. It's been a real rollercoaster. My shrink said it would be the worst year, year and a half of my life. I'd say he was accurate. I had to adjust to living in town, big step down socioeconomically (my ex made about 2.5 x's what I make), the divorce, mourning it's loss, a break down in the fall, but at this point I'm doing well. I can't say I was negative to begin with as I felt all the stress and paranoia was lifted. As a religious person, I came to the to the realization that I was praying the wrong prayer. Telling God he made a mistake. That was the greatest realization that I'm not a mistake. I only lost one friend. My life has changed, but ultimately it's for the best. You'll weather the storms regardless.
     
  13. CameronBayArea

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    Badger - I don't think there's any "one-size" fits all answer to your questions. Some people never regret coming out for a second. Their life blossoms in amazing ways immediately afterward. Others have a terrible time of it, for all kinds of reasons.

    I suppose you could draw general conclusions if you ask enough people, but I think a more effective way to answer your questions is to ask what you fear. What's been keeping you in the closet and what, specifically, do you worry will change for the worse if you were to come out?
     
  14. JT7314

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    [/QUOTE]I suppose you could draw general conclusions if you ask enough people, but I think a more effective way to answer your questions is to ask what you fear. What's been keeping you in the closet and what, specifically, do you worry will change for the worse if you were to come out?[/QUOTE]

    well said...and i absolutely agree.
     
  15. Weston

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    When I think of coming out these days, I'm reminded of this passage:

    Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect, and the beast and the monk, robbed of the isolation that is life to either, will die. (E.M.Forster, Howard's End, 1910)

    Harvey Milk said much the same thing:

    Gay brothers and sisters,...You must come out. Come out... to your parents... I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives... come out to your friends... if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors... to your fellow workers... to the people who work where you eat and shop... come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene. ("That's What America Is," speech given on Gay Freedom Day, 6/25/1978)

    My own coming out, which occurred not so very long ago, almost foundered on the notion that I needed to have all my ducks in line, my every conceivable problem solved, before taking the first seemingly impossible step. It was only when I realized that only the coming out really matters, that everything else is superfluous, that I was able to take that step. Amazingly, in the aftermath, all my other fears and reasons for hesitating were diminished, and each has been dealt with in turn. As others have said, it's a process, but it begins with that first step — only come out!
     
    #15 Weston, Jan 28, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2015