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Ex acting doubtful after coming out.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LooseMoose, Jan 29, 2015.

  1. LooseMoose

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    Did anyone experience this?
    An ex partner doubting their sexuality?

    I live with my ex parter of 10 years, and I was out to him as bisexual since the start. Over the time it has become clear I am not, that I am at least when it comes to sexual attraction, I am homosexual.


    Its complicated because I have panromantic tendencies and have in the past been able to have feelings for a person, and ignore the fact that they are physically male. It took me a long while to realise that I am not physically attracted to men, I was just ignoring the fact that they were male, and basing my desire for them on other aspects of their personality, their mind, etc, rather than being actually attracted to them as men. I believe this is something I've conditioned myself to do.

    I have currently zero attraction to men, but even if I did I just simply could not see myself anymore having sex with a guy, , but because of my past, because I have previously said things such as "I can fall for a person, not their gender", because I once already came out as gay to him, only to retract my steps back into the bi closet, because of various reasons, he now simply looks doubtful at me when I say that I am gay.


    Tbh, it does not even matter if I were bi, the basic fact would remain that I have no interest/attraction to ever being with a man again, and I have no capacity to be sexually/romantically connected and fulfilled with a man, This is confirmed by years and years of trying to make myself fit into being with a man.

    When I think of myself walking down the street with a woman, living as a lesbian, it feels right, and natural, when I think of myself as having to be with a man, it instantly starts feeling wrong. Obviously he thinks the relationship is not over, and has hopes for us getting together (just how, when the relationship was asexual for most of its 10 years?)

    I don't need my ex's validation, but I feel like his denial is dragging me back into the closet, and into that feeling of discomfort at trying to fit into life as a woman open to being with a man: contorting myself into ignoring the fact that he is a man, trying to make myself attracted to men, etc, etc.
    It is just simpler for me accepting that I am physically not sexually attracted to people if they are male.

    How did other peoples spouses take the news of you being gay? Do others also deny it?
     
  2. JC67

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    Yeah my wife is in denial. Always has been. I have the advantage of being truly bisexual though. I am attracted equally to both sexes (which is why I think it took me so long to figure myself out). Of course there are different things that I love about each of the sexes well, all sexes. I love the closeness that I get from a male partner, the feeling that he realy understands me, then with a female I love how passionate and emotionaly connected a female is. I know one trans woman and she is very special as welll . My wife treats my desire for men as a fetish. Which is ok for me if that's how she has to deal with it. I amsm still faithful to her and that is the main thing that she cares about. My problem is dealing with my need for male companionship and intimacy. I am still working on a solution on this one. How do I stay faithful and get what I am needing? So, long story short you are not alone. Maybe you are unsure yourself of your orientation and that is why you have that questioning feeling. My ex male partner and I still speak and my wife knows it. He is now deep in the closet and I don't want to cause turmoil in his life by making him question what he currently hasn't dealt with yet. Remember, they are all just labels anyway. Labels don't really matter. You don't have to identify with any label unless you find it easier to understand yourself by doing so. I love my wife and I also still love my ex. I SEsee hot guys at the gym but I also see hot girls at the gym. If you notice more girls than guys then yeah you may be a little more lesbian than straight. But bisexuality is a spectrum not a definitive endpoint. I think 99% of all people fall somewhere in the spectrum between straight and homosexual. Ignore labels and just know that we all fall into different areas of the spectrum. And we changs throughout life as well. Hormone levels change as you age,. Caus ing you to move on the spectrum from where you were before. You can love different things about men and different things about women. That's bisexuality to me. Good luck.

    ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2015 at 07:15 AM ----------

    If I didn't help you, I am a guy after all, and sometimes we just don't get it! We are a different animal. I wish you the best.
     
  3. Nickinthemiddle

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    Yes. I previously identified as bisexual as well and I am believing more that I do not have either romantic nor sexual attraction to men; and both him and I waffle to "well maybe I really am still bisexual but something is off in our marriage/medication stifles my libido/trauma keeps me from enjoying sex" etc. It is a possibility but in our case I think it is a desperate hope that maybe we CAN keep our marriage. So I'm doing therapy to see if I can get to the bottom of what role the trauma has played into my lack of desire for men or if there always was a lack of desire and I was 'forcing' myself to be with men.

    If he's not being mean or passive aggressive, it could be part of the stages of grief with him getting to accept that things in your marriage will not be what you two thought it was (perhaps the denial or bargaining step).

    I can't tell you how it turns out, because that is right where I am at too. But you are not alone with either the self doubt or your spouses' doubt.

    Keep exploring yourself and all my best wishes to you (*hug*)
     
  4. Choirboy

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    I saw the subject of the thread and went an entirely different direction--that of the ex doubtful about THEIR OWN sexuality!

    My STBX decided very quickly that I was gay and there was no turning back, although not based on the fact that I assured her I was. The fact that I've taken to bright, funky socks and the occasional bow tie seems to be more the clincher than anything else! What she seems incapable of understanding is that it took me so long to come to terms with it. She firmly believes I did a terrible thing by marrying her 21 years ago because I "should have just come out". She may never understand that there were many, many complex emotions that went into the decision to bury my sexuality--not the least of which was the fact that I loved HER enough to believe in my heart that it would just wizen away and become irrelevant. However.....

    I'm still not convinced (and neither is our 17 year old daughter) that she's completely straight herself. Which is what I actually expected this thread to be about when I read the subject! If she is a lesbian, her closet is far deeper and better fortified than mine was, and frankly, I had some hopes when I came out to her that she'd have a sort of Helen Keller at the pump moment and things would make sense to her as well. It hasn't happened. But she has such a complete detachment from men and sexuality (and always did) that I can't help but wonder. She still complains that I never initiated things between us, but the actual truth is that I did make attempts, but usually gave up fairly quickly because she seemed so totally disinterested. And even early on, we often had a couple of days of wild activity followed by long periods of nothing. And I've been struck by the fact that as often as we've discussed our situation, she really has avoided saying anything to indicate that there was any great love between us, and what she seems the most upset about is losing the companionship (and almost "girlfriend") aspect of our relationship. There are other comments that have made me wonder (and have made our daughter wonder as well). I don't hold out a lot of hope that she'll come to grips with it if she IS a lesbian, but I hope she considers the possibility. I think she'd be a lot happier.