When did you know you were gay

My first desires of the preteen sexual awakening were to the same sex and I squashed it back into my mind as just curiosity or bisexuality because I could not accept any possibility that I was gay. Here at 32 and on my 3d marriage with the opposite sex and I am working through the possibility I am gay. I think it is totally possible to shelve your desires and walk through your life with self imposed blinders because you just can't bear to face your sexual identity. I bet some of us here may feel the same way...

 

Hi,

Welcome.

I hope the respinses you get help but keep in mind you are completely unique, as is everyone.

Have you talked to a professional? That is most important.

 

I definitely didn't understand my feelings for guys vs. girls growing up--sex in general was a subject that was simply not discussed, and I was clueless well into late high school. I had what I considered "crushes" on girls, but the feelings I had for guys were much more intense and deep and longing.

I dated a girl for 3 years between my senior year in high school and sophomore year in college, imagined myself marrying her and having kids, but I had absolutely no sexual interest in her whatsoever. (Yes, I was dense--where the heck did I think those kids were coming from? :lol I enjoyed hanging around with her but felt nothing when I kissed her and never had even the slightest urge to go any further. I knew guys at the time who I definitely DID have sexual feelings for, but I thought it was some mixed up teenage thing.

I switched colleges my junior year and met a guy almost immediately who became my roommate for the second half of junior year and my two senior years (5-year plan due to ever-changing majors). What I felt for him was everything other guys felt for girls, and by then I was definitely thinking in terms of bisexual (to give myself an "out" if I needed it, I expect). Eventually several years later I met the woman I married, which was under strange circumstances and after several awful years where my family as I knew it basically fell apart and I was feeling very lost. I was convinced for awhile that the "gay" was going away, but obviously it never did.

So to answer the actual question--while I didn't fully understand what I was feeling early on, for me at least, the gay feelings didn't exactly creep up on me. They were always there and quite confusing for a long time, and while I managed to bury them for the first couple years of our marriage, as soon as the cracks started to show in the relationship, they came flooding back. Honestly, if not for several factors (kids, my general lack of self-esteem due to being very overweight for a long time, being the primary caretaker for a disabled parent among other things), I doubt that it would have taken me this long to come out.

I'd definitely talk to a professional. Everyone's experience is their own, but most of the people here seem to have at least had some very major clues, which doesn't seem to be the case with you. I wouldn't make any decisions you can't undo without seeking help first.

 

Hi Blues, welcome. You don't say why you're questioning your sexuality; a lack of confidence sexually with women doesn't translate for sure to being gay. As Skiff said, you are completely unique. For myself, I've always known, since I was maybe 4 years old but had two parallel minds, like parallel worlds, that never met. I would look sexually at boys all through my childhood and adolescence but never acted upon it or acknowledged it to myself. Then somehow I got married and now I'm getting unmarried. For yourself, I agree wight he others who suggest therapy as a process to help you better understand why you doubt your sexuality, hopefully, with a therapist who is open to all possibilities.

 

Hi,

I was having gay sex before I really knew anything about there being an issue. It was simply something I enjoyed doing with friends (best friend). As I grew older it was never about shame but protecting myself.

In hindsight I never had angst or thought about being "gay", but protecting myself chewed up a lot of my life.

So as to "when?"... Never thought in those terms, it was just "me".

Why did I marry a woman... I could not find a guy looking for a LTR and made a naive decision, hoping "love concours all". It does not trump sexuality.

My only denial was assuming gays did not want LTR's. I will not label it a mistake as my generation had no guudeposts, no role models. All we had was personal experience for good or ill.

 

Honestly, Blues, what you describe sounds a lot more like self-esteem issues than latent homosexuality. I'm no psychologist, but maybe you're grasping at the possibility of being gay as a way to explain away the way you feel about yourself? Please seek some help. No one should feel so down on themselves because of being skinny, bald, whatever. I was fat and went gray young, so I know some of the feeling--but I also never had to "try" to be interested in guys. Just because people make comments about you being gay doesn't mean you are. My personal opinion, for what it's worth (which isn't much!) is that you're not gay, but the fact that you're considering the possibility means that you'd be a great friend to someone who was. But what's going on in your own head is much more important. You deserve to learn how to be happy with whoever you are. Take care of yourself. (*hug*)

 

I knew when I started to think about gay sex all of the time. Well, I was questioning then. But, it was when I got turned on by it... that's when reality hit me. And the denial just started to fade.

 

Hi Blues!

When I read your initial post, I took it more as you were wondering how possible it was to have repressed desires for so long.

Now I'm no doctor or LGBT expert, as I'm in my questioning experience, but your extra info does sound more like you are going through a bad time and don't seem to have expressed that you experience much sexual or romantic feelings towards men. It sounds more like you're ruling it out. Which maybe is what you have done?

Either way if it's something that causes you distress then it's still important that you can talk about it so you can explore it and hopefully get a sense of where you are.

Hugs to you, no matter which way you go, questioning is tough (*hug*)

 

I knew I was gay at 15. I thought I was bi at 11. :/

 

Hi Blues -

I think Choirboy offers some very good advice on the possibility of your issue being one of self-esteem. Regardless - at age 50 I am just now coming to terms with my same-sex attraction. The struggle was never not knowing for sure, but working hard to avoid just how turned on I was by other men. Looking back, I've known since I was 13.

No matter what please seek professional help until you are completely satisfied.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.

 

My main thought upon reading this was "Less analysis, more enjoyment".

While fantasy and porn and masturbation can indeed give clues as to your sexuality, the main point of it all is to enjoy yourself. It's you time. It's time to enjoy your body and enjoy being a sexual creature. Everything you've said sounds more like part of a clinical trial and less like a guy enjoying himself.

Given just what your first post said, my guess is you're probably straight, or really heavily on the straight side of bisexual. But my main thought is that if your most common thoughts while masturbating are "what does this mean?", your main problem isn't "what's my sexuality" but "why am I not enjoying it enough?" And THAT should be what you should work on getting beyond.

Lex

 

Before I was told that girls had cooties, I instinctly knew.

 

Hmmmn, at 55 I am still working the issue. I was seduced as an alterboy to same sex activities and really never developed a like/desire for a particular sex untill just recently. I did know that there was a certian way that boys must act in public and then later in the military. I did not really accept the possibility of a man to man relationship for anything other then sex until the past year. I recently spent a week away with a very lovely lady I have been dating, but realized while in bed that I had NO sexual desires for her. More Hmmm is required on my part.

 

Hi,

Therapy is your only answer. You cannot the apply anecdotal and subjective experience of others to yourself.

Concious denial and rationalization can block you from your truth.

You want to find the correct therapist, who you can trust and be 100% open with. Even then a good therapist only guides you to your answer.

Best of luck.

 

I think I knew when I was six or seven.

 

I did. I knew I liked girls before I knew what being gay was. When I was six, I knew I didn't want to have a boyfriend or get married to a guy. It just didn't feel right.