Wife brought up divorce last night...

That's a rough conversation and discussion to have, pretty much regardless of the reasons.

(*hug*)

 

Hey Maybgayguy, Just remember, sometimes your view through the front windshield may look like crappy weather. Just ease off the gas and let life catch up to your situation. My wife came up one day and said, I love you but am not "IN-LOVE" with you any more. Divorced soon after. The crashing sounds you hear are your life plans you made under different sets of parameters. No one likes change but for many it arrives with no warning. The issue may seem overwhelming but remember, to eat an elephant you must take one bite at a time. BOL

 

Perhaps there is more conversation to be had... I would take it a day at a time, you didn't get here over night. For me this has been a few years coming, but mostly the past year. I can tell you that once both people become part of the conversation it can ease a lot of the anxiety surrounding it. I do not know your situation really, but I know for me actually hearing feedback from my hubby was very instrumental in the decisions that I have made over the past year, and like wise, the lack of feedback on certain things. I wish you the best.

 

Did you come out to your (soon-to-be-ex) wife? Or did she bring up the possibility of divorce based only on a distant/unhappy relationship?

Painful as it is, this may be a blessing in disguise if you now identify as gay and want your next relationship to be with another guy.

 

You say you don't have time for much?

Pardon me while I bring out "the couch"....

Is this intentional?

You may be creating situations for yourself, to keep you away from home and awkward situations you fee uncomfortable about, including talking to your wife about what is going on.

She may feel lost and in the dark, hence the mentioning of divorce. Does she know your other "likes"? If so, she may be confused about that as well.

NOT talking is the worst thing you can do. NOT communicating can do more damage than anything else. In cases like this, silence IS deadly.

Whether you are doing it intentionally or not, I would surmise that you are subconsciously creating situations that will keep you "busy".....away from home, and away from confrontations....at home and at this group you joined.

If you cannot bring yourself to deal with the situations, then I would suggest a mediator.
Not so much a psychologist, but someone who is familiar with this type of marriage disfunction and can sit in with both of you and conduct a "meeting" between both of you.

Doing nothing just makes things worse. Saying nothing is just as bad as demanding divorce by screaming at the top of your lungs.

You need to get some form of outside mediation, so you both can see where you are at, what you both want, and where you feel you should go from this point.



I am no "professional" of any kind, but I have studied people all of my life.
90% of the root cause of all disfunctions in relationships are from not communicating.


I don't know what you will do............but you must DO something!
You must SAY something.

 

well, she has opened the discussion. but it doesn't sound like you are really opposed to the idea, just worried about your whole world coming apart at the seams. am I reading that right? if so, yeah, your world will come apart at the seams. it is a world that you have created, and one that you don't seem that happy in. the next year will be painful, as you go through the whole process of divorce, if that is what the two of you (or one of you even) decide. it is like the worm coming out as a butterfly as you move into living an authentic life. don't project so far ahead, nor feel that you have to instantaneously create a gay version of your straight life. the first thing that you are going to need will be some friends. it is a tough road to walk alone. there will be a time for developing that intimate relationship that you dream of. but today, live in today. (&&&)

 

If it is meant to be, the separation and/or divorce, as painful as it is, it is better sooner than later.

 

Maybe it's an opportunity. I don't think she's wanting to watch it because its a western; I think she knows or strongly suspects

 

You're right to be a little hesitant to be watching it with her, I first saw it with my ex-wife, it was all I could do to keep my emotions in check...

 

well it seems to me that you have not outted yourself to her and if you do, it's going to end in divorce anyway so why not just let her do the dirty work. if she wants divorce, just agree and get divorced with your straightness still in tact. let's face it, you're not happy in that relationship anyway. then you can go off and live as a gay man and experiment without any guilt of being married. noone has to know anything. i mean, either way, divorce is going to come up and happen it seems, so why not just let agree with it, say things aren't work out. use the ole' it's not you it's me and you deserve better" bit. you can throw in the old "we're still relatively young and obviously this hasn't been working out for a while, maybe this will be good for us both we can be better friends than partners. i dont want to destroy our friendship and no matter what maybe it's better to end it now while we atleast have that."

she gets what she wants, you get out of the marriage, you get guilt free gay experimentation and everyone is happy. if you experiment with the gay stuff and it sucks, then you can go back to women and get remarried or even link back up with your ex wife. if you decide you like the gay stuff, then you have the time and space to come out to everyone on your own and there won't be the guilt of having to say "oh by the way honey i'm gay and im cheating on you with Bob from Planet Fitness and i want a divorce." Sounds like to me she is making it easy on you. go for it.

 

I think that offmychest is right on target. she's giving you a "get out of jail free" card. She may suspect that you're gay, but there is a huge difference between suspecting and knowing, and at this point the knowing could complicate the divorce proceedings. It sounds like the fact is that the marriage ain't working well, so you can be magnanimous and agree and give her what she wants. And then you can figure things out.
As far as "Brokeback Mountain," wow, definitely not really a cowboy movie. I just saw it recently for the first time myself, when my wife was out of town (picked up the DVD at the library). I thought that it was a great movie, but way too powerful to watch with the wife. There is one really hot sex scene near the beginning that I would have been so uncomfortable watching with her there. And then there are scenes that are very emotional, and I would not have been able to hide my emotions. Your wife can bring it up all she wants, but I wouldn't go there.

 

i'd like to also recommed what Off My Chest said. you have a way out take it. i split from my STBX in june '13 because of her self destructive behaviour that endangered my son. i came out to myself in april '14, if i had been still with her this would have been destructive to everyone, now i can explore my sexuality etc. with out the guilt and general sneaking about that i would have to if i was still with her. i hope to be free before summer and out to those who need to know.

good luck, but i do feel that you are in the fork in the road and you should take the path offered.

 

Hi offmychest

Before I came out to my wife I was convinced she knew and was testing me by mentioning all sorts of gay related subjects out of context. She nearly gave me a heart attack when she bought a boxed set of Queer as Folk, but when I came out she said it was a complete surprise.

Re Brokeback Mountain: It has taken me at least 4 or 5 viewings by myself not to burst into tears at the end. If I had been watching it with my wife before I was out it would have been impossible to explain my reaction to the films ending. Hiding an erection is one thing but covering up floods of tears is entirely different.

SGG

 

Have you looked into support groups for gay men who are married to women? I've heard about them existing before, it could be a relief for you if you can find one. What might also help is to find some gay men around your age as friends to 'test the waters', so to speak. It's important to walk before you run, starting with male friendships could help you to either find a pathway into an intimate relationship with one or help you realise you'd prefer to stay with your wife.

I don't have personal experience to offer you but I empathise with you. I'm very sorry you're finding yourself in such a tough dilemma. However one thing I have learned from experience is that we often come out of the bad times better than before, and the struggle will be worth it eventually.

 

I completely understand wanting to take the easy way out but I can't help feeling for your wife. I don't know her. If she's evil or inclined to hyperfocus and hold a grudge, you are pprobably right to just get out. If she loves you and is invested, doesn't she have the right to know why your life together is falling apart? There's no clear answer and only you know what the right thing to do is but if you don't tell her she will make up a story in her own head. She may know you're gay. She may think you're sleeping with other women. She may put it all on you or she may blame herself. I'm just saying there is a downside to the easy way as well and you should consider that in making your decision.