1st Anniversary

Today's the first anniversary of my first post on EC. Never thought I'd reach the 500 club! :lol:

One year ago last night, I did the same Google search I had done (seemed like) thousands of times over several months, but that time I got a "hit" for a thread on EC from Highlander. I'd seen a number of "support" sites that were really just places for guys to chat up with each other, and generally the conversations revolved around sex, how to meet up with guys, how to stay on the down-low with girlfriends/wives/kids etc. Not my cup'o'tea at all... so I approached EC with a heightened degree of skepticism.

Then I started reading.

I scrolled through thread after thread. I looked at people's profiles, read wall posts, and finally created an account then went back and read more threads until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I fell asleep on the sofa in the basement.

The following morning, one year ago today (almost to the hour), I posted in the Welcome lounge. Soon after I introduced myself here in the LiL crowd. In those days, while I had finally accepted myself as a gay man in a straight marriage, I had no idea if I had the fortitude to actually process what that meant for my life, for my then-wife and our kids and family.

In the days and weeks that followed, I met some great people here and formed what I believe will be life-long friendships. During those wall conversations and forum posts, Choirboy and I realized there was something special in our connection, and it became increasingly frustrating to not have full membership so we could communicate privately. That problem was resolved soon enough.

The first Friday in March, I woke up like I had for many days up to that point, with an overwhelming sense that the status quo was no longer sustainable. While I was terrified what my revelation of the truth would mean to all of us, I also knew that the day of reckoning was at hand. I spent some time a work icon_redf :eusa_naug) writing a letter to my wife... I knew if I didn't have something to lean on I'd never be able to get the words out. Later that night after the kids were in bed, we were in our room watching "A Few Good Men" and all I could think about was how I was about to change everyone's lives and had no idea how to even begin the conversation, even though I'd written the letter.

As the credits scrolled, she began the conversation by asking the same old pointed questions about my family and my lack of a relationship with them. I knew that was the opening, so I said it was time to explain everything... and I started reading.

There were tears for a while, then the cold announcement that we had to divorce immediately, followed by the revelation that she'd been unhappy in the marriage long before we even had kids. She stuck with it because she thought things would get better between us. The weekend was the worst two days of my life since the two days when I came out to my parents at 18 in college and wrestled with the ultimatum of go back in the closet or get out of their house.

Then on Sunday, Choirboy randomly posted that there was a gay support group at an area church he was attending later that evening. I immediately thought I should try to find it and go too... then I was terrified he'd think I was a creepy stalker... but, as it turned out he had the same fears that I'd think he was the creepy stalker leaving a trail of breadcrumbs to follow.

I showed up at the meeting first, barely holding myself together as people came in and introduced themselves and were so warm and welcoming. I was thinking about just leaving because I couldn't stand being around myself even at that point, then Choirboy walked in the door. Sheer terror wracked my mind for a moment, then he smiled and nodded in my direction. Once he got through the introductions with everyone else, he came over and we finally met each other in person. Neither of us really knew what to do or say, so we sat through the meeting about as close to each other as we possibly could without holding hands or leaning on each other.

After the meeting, we walked outside, found we were parked next to each other :roflmao: and spent a long time standing out there talking about everything that had happened. Everyone else filtered out while we were talking and probably said goodbyes, but I don't really remember any of that. Finally when we had both beaten the bloody hell out of the bush we were trampling around we admitted we had feelings from our online friendship, and wanted to see where things went from there. (*hug*)

The rest is history, some of it chronicled here in our posts, some shared off-site among friends. (&&&)

And that, ladies and gentlemen of the forum, is how I transitioned from a briefly out gay teen to a closeted young adult into a married gay man in a straight marriage with kids, and finally a divorced gay man with a truly wonderful boyfriend.

It's been a rocky path and there's certain to be many twists in the months ahead for both of us, but as the song says, "there's only forward, no other way..."

[YOUTUBE]http://youtu.be/veHUZMoKObc[/YOUTUBE]

 

In the spirit of GW, I offer these thoughts as well:

Taken from a sermon of Cardinal John Henry Newman titled “The Second Spring” as quoted in The Exorcist: 40th Anniversary Edition by William Peter Blatty