Mixed Orientation Marriage

Hi Valerie,
After I told my wife she immediately wanted to split. A few weeks before separating we decided to try to work it out. It was ok at first but never really the same. There was/is no open marriage, so I went to support groups and joined a hiking group for an outlet. Although she said she was ok with it, everyone I went she would cop an attitude so I stopped going. Since then it's been basically just like roommates. We have had sex maybe a handful of times over the past few months. Next week will be 1 year since we got "back together" and things are pretty much where they were a year ago.

For me, open marriage would just lead to jealousy and just wouldn't work.

So things are just as shitty
as before

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. Just my story. It may work for you. I'm just moving towards a dark place again so I may not be the best source

 

Good luck to you guys...I will be watching this conversation as I am curious about it too. But it does seem so difficult. I could maybe do it if it was open sexually. However, even then I would long for the romance with another guy. That would tough. However, blowing up the marriage doesn't sound like a lot of fun either.

 

I always thought it was best to keep it to myself and keep it together but the daily struggle does take its toll

 

A friend who was in this situation had young children. The two decided to have an open marriage and continue living together so they could co-parent, and because they still loved each other as people. The wife had an entire apartment built downstairs, while the husband lived upstairs, and they ended up even alternating visitation for a while between floors so they could feel like they had their own space. They did this about 3 years, but ultimately there were fights, and jealousy as she got a gf, and he dated around. She eventually got her own apartment on the other side of town, and filed as separated, although not divorced for now.

I think the slower process helped them think, and adjust to what was happening. It was hard on the kids, but not necessarily harder than a clean divorce would have been. It was pretty expensive and stressful to build the downstairs apartment though.

I would think each marriage is different. I don't think it's a great idea to stay married to a man as a gay women if you're in a committed monogamous relationship. But as an open marriage it may be fine, except that most people will deal with jealousies and confusion from time to time. It also becomes very restrictive if one spouse falls in love with another person - who will not want to be hanging out in the same house as the person shares with their spouse! Then THEY will be jealous, or just think neither of you have moved on. If you get a gf, she may think you are still in the closet, or still contemplating jumping back in. So it may work for a while, but for most people it doesn't work forever if you ever decide to move on with your lives and get serious with someone you're actually attracted to. Right now perhaps neither of you are in any hurry for that, and that's perfectly fine. Maybe you will want to stay this way forever. But if you start dating, it will likely get harder and harder to make it work this way, because people are only human, and sharing is not their forte.

I don't think you need to tell anyone you don't want to tell - you can keep your business on a need-to-know basis. I think it's pretty important to tell someone you want to date that you're in an open marriage. But it's not a neighbor's business, unless you consider them a close friend. At some point, you'll probably want to divulge this to family members, but there is really no rush until you guys figure out where you stand and find a system that works, or clearly doesn't, for you.

Ultimately, it comes down to what the definition of "marriage" is for both of you. Does it involve sex? Do you need to be attracted to each other? Does it just mean living in the same house and sharing the finances, no matter how you feel? Could you continue to do these things and NOT be married?

I think there is no rush to move this relationship status change faster than either of you are ready for. The only problem is that one partner is usually ready faster than another for the next step. But you don't need to be in a hurry to divorce simply because you're gay if neither of you wants to. However, since it sounds like he's actually straight and not closeted himself, he may have feelings for you and eventually seeing you date right in his house might start to hurt. And maybe you too will hurt seeing him pick another woman.

My friend became upset that she thought her husband became childish once he adjusted to being in an open relationship. He first was sad and trying to console her when she came out to him, but then became angry and blamed her for breaking up the marriage. Then he stopped the shouting phase and started dating in a way that she felt was irresponsible, choosing very obviously immature and trifling women whom she did not care to see with him or in her house (nor anywhere near her kids!). She was kind of offended at the way he started acting. Then he was jealous of her gf, and true to lesbian form, within a few whirlwind months the gf started talking about moving in and renting the UHaul, and the husband overheard this and his jealousy hit the roof - he felt replaced. That move-in didn't happen, but it became pretty impossible to find time together to have even a decent roommate relationship given all the time put into work, and the new relationship. They were growing apart, and that hurt and was sad because of how close they had been and what a perfect marriage they had felt they had - except for the her being gay part. It was hard to face that maybe it hadn't been the fairytale they had wanted it to be all along, but maybe both of them had been running away from parts of themselves, and this mixed marriage made it easy to hide before the truth had to be face that it really was mixed. Both could kind of avoid some deeper feelings because an intimacy was missing... the honesty of raw sexual connection. Both settled for less in a sense, because subconsciously it was too scary to demand a full life, with a fully connected sexual partner and a fully connected and truthful life in everything else at the same time. In some way, maybe neither felt they deserved to have it all before, so they ignored the issues and told themselves the story that it was a "fairy tale."

My friend's story is not your story, you have your own path to forge. But, she is 3 or 4 years down the line from where you are, and that's the shape her story took. There WAS a lot of pain, and a lot of change, and of course with it a lot of stress. But in the end, both people ended up happier because they were being more honest with themselves, and demanding more out of life rather than settling. She went back to school and changed her career. She discovered a depth of relationship connection with women she didn't even know was possible. The husband got the chance to see what it was like to be with a woman who was actually straight and truly desired him the way he was. It kind of changed their perspectives on everything, on the way they pursued life, even though it might seem like it was only about sexual orientation on the surface. This change gave them permission to be happier and more honest people. And that turned out to be a freeing and great thing for them both, although it was a journey to get there.

Don't be afraid to face whatever this might mean for you. It will probably be confusing and hard for both of you, but the rewards that come with it eventually make it all worth it. You get to know yourself, and you learn not to compromise for anything less than happiness, in all areas of your life.

They say the truth shall set you free. Hold fast to that, because I think that proves to be true. You deserve to be honest, and he deserves for you to be honest. And you both deserve to be happy. This is not your fault, so don't let the guilt get to you. Remind yourself, and your husband too occasionally, that honesty is the best policy, because it leads to better things for both of you one day - whatever they end up being. Maybe you'll still be married and the arrangement will work out great. Maybe not, but you'll have learned a lot along the way. Either way, it's much better than stagnancy in a situation that was making you unhappy, and that surely in time would have led you both to resent each other and for you to be at great risk of suicide or at the least a mental health breakdown. You can't pretend to be something you're not. And any marriage that requires that to stay intact, isn't a marriage worth keeping anyway. Neither of you have to be bad people for you just not to be a good match for each other. And that does not have to be any comment whatsoever on how much you love each other, or on how committed either of you were to the partnership.

Don't feel bad. Try to find moments of stillness where you embrace this change with joy, for the great things you are making room for in your life. The great things are just as real and just as honest as the sad things about this time.

 

I wish you the very best. I came out to my wife about 3 years ago. I'm very blessed in that she loves me and is mostly supportive. Our intent is to spend the rest of our lives together and an open marriage is just not an option. Even with all we have going for us, it is still very difficult. I've read on EC that some married men have gay friends to just hang out. I wish I did because the loneliness is tough. At least having faceless friends on here are a help. I'm sorry that I'm not much help but I applaud you for being honest with yourself and your husband.

 

Your kids deserve a healthy, happy, and fulfilled mom. You will be a way stronger influence on them like that than any other woman in their life could ever be. It doesn't help them to see you wasting away, depressed and denying who you are. You also don't want them to grow up thinking it's right to deprive themselves in a marriage. So you might be able to live together and co-parent and have it work out really well. But just try to stay open to all possibilities, and pay attention if it gets to the point that you guys are fighting all the time (especially with them in the house), or if you are getting really depressed and feeling stifled. Maybe you don't really need to date a lot right now - that just adds complications into the mix, where you already have so much to do and to think about! But if staying married means having to stay closeted to your community, or having to watch your husband bring other women home which might be painful for you, ultimately that might be a really unhealthy situation for you to be in, and also for your kids to see you in. People have said this over and over, don't stay together for the kids - people did that in previous generations and it REALLY didn't work out well.

If you're going to make this open marriage work though, I would think you guys would need a lot of couples counseling to get through it. It's going to be tough on both of you, especially at the beginning since it's such a big adjustment psychologically as well as physically. It might really help to have a regular place to talk out the issues that come up, and to make sure that your co-parenting commitment stays strong and you guys are able to support your kids through this change.

I get the heartbreak of being in a marriage that does not turn out as ideal as you wanted it to be. It is the death of a very beautiful and important dream, and that can be harder to get over than the marriage itself. OK, your kids are maybe not going to be in the ideal situation you wanted for them either way. But then again, neither are most kids. And as long as you give them the love and stability they need, they are going to turn out ok in life, no matter what happens to your marriage or what arrangement you work out. I have taught thousands of kids, and followed them into adulthood, and the thing that makes the most difference is having even one openly loving, stable, supportive person in their life who believes in them. 2 parents, one parent, 4 parents, straight parents, gay parents, guardians, divorce, long marriage, no marriage at all, adoption... really none of those things mattered as long as they had something consistent and positive in their lives. You can't control anyone but yourself - including your husband and how he deals with this new situation - so you can be that force for them and guarantee for yourself that they're going to be ok, even if everybody else in their lives fail them. And hopefully, you will be lucky and multiple other people, including their father, will also come through for them too and so they will get a great start to life.

Our worry about keeping a perfect family picture is not really necessary - kids are very resilient, and the more support they have in dealing with the issues they face, the better they do. They don't really need a certain kind of family, so much as they need consistency, love, and support in becoming their own person. It's hard to provide those things though if the parents are really depressed or angry, so just keep that in mind that keeping yourself healthy is really the best thing for your little ones. If you can be happy and healthy staying together, great. If not, that's ok too. What's important is that they learn HOW an adult should deal with problems and manage their stress, not that they never have any stress or problems to deal with in life. Children do better when they see how adults face challenges and learn from them. Separation, or divorce, can be healthy changes for a family, if done in a healthy and thoughtful way. I've seen it happen many times before. So hopefully you don't have to do that. But if someday you find that you do, it's not the end of the world. It can still be done in a way that is positive and good for your family.

I myself went through a thoughtful and caring divorce as a partnership, and it was such a gift to both of us. It wasn't easy to accomplish especially because we didn't have a lot of examples we knew to follow, but it was doable, and turned out extremely well and was also very cheap. I now wish I had done it so many years earlier! Yeah it was painful, but more because of the death of my dream than because of the marriage - when I gave it a chance, I realized that being out of that marriage made me tons happier and healthier! That friend I mentioned, stayed in her marriage in part because her partner made the vast majority of their income. But over a few years she learned to make her own money and expand her career and she felt much more fulfilled and independent for doing so, even though she was terrified at first. So these kinds of changes can bring a lot of new positives into one's life, even though they seem terrifying and completely negative at first.

I hope something in this is comforting to you. I know this must be a really stressful and scary time. If you face it honestly and don't try to control everything and make it look perfect from the outside just for the sake of other people, it's going to be ok.

 

yeah, I think it's incredibly private. you're not obligated to tell anyone. my approach is that I tell anyone who I think will respond with love and support. and I don't tell anyone who I think will hurt me, or anyone who really has no reason to know my personal business. In other words, I tell when it will help ME. I think it's ok to be a little selfish with this very personal information. this is all a process, and we kind of know when it's right to tell someone. good luck with that! (&&&)

 

I'm in an open marriage after coming out. My husband is poly and quite happy to make this work. I'm not so sure but we have two little girls and I feel like I need to give it my best shot. When I came out, I blew my closet apart. Everyonewho knows me knows. I had to go big or I wouldn't have gone at all. I also date women and I'm not shy about that either. I live in a small city where everyone seems to know everyone's business. My "don't like it, don't look" attitude is largely a defense mechanism but it works. Very few people have the guts to say anything negative when you stand tall. That said, the few people who have were people I was very close to and it stung. I'm not sure it would have been easier any other way though.

 

Valerie,
I really appreciate your post and in so many ways can really relate to it. I have been married to a woman for 17 years and just came out last year. We almost got a divorce, went to marriage counseling and managed to stay together, but the main way we have been able to continue is for me to kind of go back in the closet, which is very hard. She has made it clear that an open marriage isn't an option. I wish it were. I don't want to leave her, but sexually it's driving me just a little crazy. I can honestly say that if she were in my situation I would be fine with it, but I also understand that I see things a very different way than she does.

The reasons I got married in the first place are kind of complicated but I would be willing to bet a lot of people here would be able to understand. I have been seeing a psychologist for major depression and she has advised me that the best course of action for myself (and this makes me feel so selfish for even saying it) is to leave the relationship and be who I am. But I can't. I absolutely cannot stand the idea of hurting my wife, and for her such a split would be catastrophic. So on the one hand it would be such an enormous thing for me to be able to come out to our family and everyone else and be able to live an authentic life as opposed to having to constantly hide who I really am. On the other hand I have to balance that with what would be lost. Not to mention that I would be disowned pretty quickly as my wife's family is homophobic and I don't have much family of my own. The repercussions in my place of employment would likewise be huge. It's like being stuck between lots of different rocks and hard places and it feels like movement in any direction will result in disaster. It seems the only thing to do is stay put, but that is also disastrous in its own way.

But this post is about you and the situation you find yourself in and I am so sorry that you are in it. So many people just don't understand how hard it is. I wish I had some kind of advice for you, something that would help you through your situation, but I don't- I'm still trying to figure out what to do as well. One thing I am not is eloquent or wise. What I can say is that while I can't know exactly how you feel, I can relate on many levels. I know how gut-wrenching and painful this is and however it turns out I wish you absolutely nothing but the best. And I am so glad to have found someplace where there are others who can identify with problems like ours.

 

This is exactly where I am at. I read this post, and think how insane it is for someone in this situation to remain with his wife. No wonder there is major depression. Except that this post so perfectly describes my own situation, and my response is pretty much the same as that of jaybird. So, valerie, there definitely are a lot of people who can relate to what you're saying. I know that it's not a healthy situation, but we must all have our reasons for staying in our current situation. Top on my list is fear. And I have absolutely no doubt that the stress is taking years off my life, and will bring on medical problems like depression, anxiety, cardiovascular problems, stress eating and its consequences, and on and on. wish I could be a shining example of the right way to respond, but I can only hope that this boat is big enough because there are so many of us in it.

 

I'm not to sure my advice will be welcome since my (soon to be) husband and I are both bisexual but we are semi different orientations because I love men and women equally and he likes men but mostly has affection/love for me, but here's my input

We've been together 9 years and he has always known that I'm Bisexual, I kinda "pushed it under the rug" and hid in my own tiny closet through picking the easier of the 2 roads that laid before me when I was younger (I know I'm still young but you know what I mean)

Well after my son was born I noticed my boyfriend was in this really odd funk and didn't know what was up which is when he told me that he's bisexual and just never had a chance to explore it (long story) and said he wasn't happy, I also wasn't happy because I had (and still have) this feeling like something is seriously missing, we decided to do the whole "open relationship" thing and omfg did that blow up!!

My boyfriend introduced me to this 1 guy that ended up being a f buddy which isn't exactly what I wanted, I wanted a female partner but just couldn't find one, things with the f buddy went downhill because while he was sleeping with me he was pretty much stalking my boyfriend (what a charmer huh?) my bf was seeing a guy at the time though and wasn't interested, in the end Jealousy became my #1 enemy and I put a stop to having an open relationship (said f buddy that he introduced me too still txts sometimes) anyway my bf was a little upset but saw how distraught I was and agreed to being exclusive again, Now things are "back to normal" and we're getting married, it was only last week that I finally admitted to him that the only reason I didn't have a female partner was because I just knew that if I were to start seeing another woman I'd end up falling for her and I didn't want to put my family through it, so in the end I went back to my little closet and started hiding (and brooding)

All I mean is that it's incredibly difficult to be in a relationship where one party swings more towards the same sex, All we can do is keep up communication and keep caring about eachother, maybe an open marriage will work for you but for me it blew up horribly due to jealousy and me holding back (not to mention how many lesbian/bisexual women want a relationship with someone thats taken?)

 

I can't advise you as my wife wouldn't agree but I desperately wanted to stay in the marriage. We were best friends and great life partners in many respects. However, I belong to a gay married men's group and there are a few men there who have successfully stayed in their marriages with full disclosure. At times they even continue their sexual relationship while also going out and playing the field; usually, however, the sex part is over. I live in NYC area so in terms of kids, most kids of the sophisticated urbanite world, are used to these oddities.