Husband came out to me

Hello, luvbear :smilewave I was in a similar situation, and I can say that the best way to be a support to your husband is to be what you have been since before you married...be his best friend. Be there for him when he needs to talk, and ask him to do the same for you, as you both make your way to your happiness. I'll be keeping good thoughts for you!

 

I cannot speak to his silence except it most likely has NOTHINHG to do with you or his feelings for you. Most probably the only thing he has witheld from you.

You seem like a good friend. He needs a good friend now and although it most likely hurts for the moment I suspect that supporting each other is the best course through this.

 

I am really sorry that you are going through this luvbear. But I am totally amazed by how you are handling it.

I agree that the MOM seems untenable. The issue for me, is that I really do love my wife so much. The marriage and our time together has brought a lot of fulfillment and happiness. There are so many experiences we have shared that I cherish. In other words there is a lot of love there. (We also have kids) I worry that my wife will our marriage as a sham or fake. But it hasn't been...I genuinely cherish it and have a lot happiness thinking our time together.

I don't want that to end. I could see having sex with guys on the side however, I also want to date and spend more time with a guy. Finally, I really don't want to have sex with my wife. All of this makes me so sad but it is also so true.

All this being said, you have to make sure that you take of yourself. It is great to be there for him (again that is amazing!!) but make sure that you are getting the support you need. You should be sure to put yourself first. Encourage him to find a group of gay friends so that he has a network to go to for help coming out. Hopefully there is something in your area.

 

That's really great to hear. Although we had a few ups and downs in figuring out what this would mean, and the process of figuring out what our relationship would be like, we've remained friends. In some ways, it's only deepened our relationship, which is interesting. It's been 8 1/2 months and I think we've worked those things out pretty well.

She's definitely still my bestie and I don't see that changing. She's been a great source of support for me, and I think me for her too.

 

Hi,

Your husband is a victim of the society. He is gay and can't change his sexuality. Even if "he has never said a thing until now", that is not because he was hiding, but because he was confused. Maybe he didn't know or recognize his sexuality until later in life. That is very normal.

You can support him and care for him. He is now in the middle of a transition, which is a very important phase of his life. So please try to be close to him and try to understand him.

Your marriage wont be the same anymore, and that is a fact. Therefore, you can help a human being to be happy or to add insult to injury. You can choose

Good Luck

 

How can you not be FURIOUS that he deceived you for so long? Marriage should be about honestly and loyalty?

It's not the 19th century anymore, being gay is not a crime...I wish you the very best.

 

Luvbear and DarkestDream, you are both incredible women, and your husbands are so lucky. Some young people may not understand the many factors that have been involved in men fighting against and hiding their sexuality. A lot of women can take it personally. I can say with certainty that it is very painful for the men to be in this situation, and to tell their wives. There must be a lot of trust for them to have finally been able to come out. The past is dead, and the future lies before you. The best way to support him, LB, is exactly what you're doing. So many wives in your situation could be helped by your experience and your story.

 

GreyIce1, being gay is not a crime, not now, but it's not long ago since it WAS a crime. In the 20th century. Even after homosexuality was decriminalised in our own country (I see you are from the UK same as myself) it wasn't as easy as it is now to be openly gay, and certainly not for two guys to live together, because of the ongoing prejudices and stigma. I grew up in the 60s and 70s and experienced this for myself.

We have a lot to thank a good many brave gay men for. They gave us what we have today. Many are still around today...... thank you, all of you.

Many gay men conformed with society's pressures and expectations as a result of the ongoing stigma. I'm not saying this is why luvbear's husband married, many men do not realise they're gay until later in life because of how their formative years went.

I do want to say it's totally admirable how luvbear is dealing with all this. The result will, I'm sure, be positive, due to her, and her husband's constructive attitude. The alternative is, of course, destruction, which never helps anyone achieve anything. Being constructive is often the hardest route to take, and I applaud you both and wish you much happiness, you both deserve it.

 

luvbear has the right to be angry for sure. But for many of us, we deceived ourselves as much as our partners. It is not something to be proud of but it is the truth.

In any case, GreyIce, I am not sure what your advice is for luvbear. Should she now become FURIOUS? Will that help her?

 

You seem like a lovely person. Full of compassion and grace, greyice1.

 

:icon_wink

 

Whoa there cowboy, a bit harsh don't you think? this lady is handling this with more grace and compassion than i have seen in years. do you think there may be other issues that lead you to lash out in such an uncalled for manner?

 

Sure thing.

So, lots of ups and downs, for sure. There were times when either of us might be in some radically different mood than the last time. But we got through it. We made a promise to each other early on that no matter what we'd talk about it. We might need to take a break from talking about it, but we'd talk about it. Very hard at times. Lots of sadness too, as this was unexpected and life was pretty good.

Our divorce was just finalized last week. We discussed other options. Just didn't see how they'd work for us. She's been dating, and we've talked about how that's going. I'm ready to do some of that myself (I think I might have one Sunday ).

We've been living separately since June. We talk on the phone nearly every day, and text funny stuff/work bitching. I usually see her about once a week for brunch.

Things are pretty good now. I think we've kinda both seen a way forward and we are still going to support each other in the ways we can as friends and if that makes it a "failed relationship" then fine.

I think ours was a spectacularly positive outcome. I'm very fortunate to have her in my life.

 

Cycling Fans experience is very similar to mine, except that my husband and I have agreed not to live separately for the foreseeable future as we have a young family, and it's not really financially viable for us to live separately. We are however defining as separated and both open to meeting new people.

We have always been best friends at the base of our relationship. That has not changed, although the last 8 months have been difficult a lot of the time, that has mostly arisen from me being in transition and him accepting that our relationship is irrevocably altered and unfixable in terms of the marriage.

Even though it's been difficult, it's been incredibly honest. We can now sit around discussing celebrities that we fancy (and have surprisingly similar tastes) and he is genuinely interested in how things are changing for me. Not in a pervy way, but because my happiness is his priority and he wants me to feel how I should have been feeling with him but couldn't. We can even laugh about it now, without either of us getting upset, which was harder at the start if it happened to catch one or other of us (usually me) off guard.

We are encouraging each other to get back up, brush ourselves off and start again. I have my first "date" next weekend - and he is fully supportive of me, even though he openly admits that he expects to find it more difficult while I'm away, and to feel a little jealous. I am sure I will feel the same when his turn comes, but like him, my priority is him being happy, and that overrides any minor niggles I may have.

This has not been a quickly resolved situation and it continuously evolves. You do not have the complication of the family to hold you back but I do think in your case it's a fundamental issue in your marriage that cannot be resolved by you staying together, as is the right to be loved and desired as much as you desire your partner.

My husband has repeatedly stated that he has probably found this easier to deal with than if I had cheated (I haven't - but I know with certainty who I am, now) because it's not something that can be fixed, or something where blame can be apportioned. And believe me, I have spent a lot of time trying to blame myself for being myself. He says, and I believe he means it, that it's as much "his" fault for being a man as it is "mine" for being a lesbian - i.e. no-one's. I didn't choose to be gay, he didn't choose to be male. It's just who we are.

I think your approach has been amazing. But you are right to be selfish too. You have needs that are not in sync with his, and so becoming his friend and ally is an amazing and courageous thing to do for someone you care so much for, even at the cost it comes with.

Someone as understanding and caring as you deserves that back tenfold, and a broken heart is an open one. I sincerely wish you all the best for your future happiness. Xx

 

I applaud you for wanting to be supportive of your husband, and for reaching out here for resources and information. I'm not going to touch on much else in that topic as I see a lot of other people already have.

However, I feel its very important to remind you that YOUR needs matter too. You're allowed to be angry, sad, disillusioned. And you are allowed to want and seek a divorce. It's not just about what he wants. If the life you want/need cannot be achieved with a gay man, it will only breed resentment. You have a right to be happy just as much as he does. If you are happy with him and the changing dynamics of the relationship, great. if you're not, be honest with yourself and him.