tiring trying to pretend

for me, it is like all of the energy from my inner core going into projecting a force field, a mask. It is exhausting. It is tiring at home and all other times, because the mask becomes part of who we are, and yet it is not who we are and hence requires lots of psychic energy. It leaves nothing for enjoying life. I don't mean to add to your blue funk, but what you are saying makes a lot of sense and I wanted to share that you are not alone.

 

That period of transition is really rough--once you have accepted who you are and are no longer desperately struggling to hide it from yourself, but aren't at the point where you are ready to stop hiding it as completely from others. Even after telling my wife I was gay, I wouldn't quite stop myself from putting on the happy show--for a time. Eventually the pretense started making me depressed, and alternated with outbursts where I let all of the anger out and blew my top. It's a very emotional time. If you haven't talked to a therapist, or even just your family physician, about anti-depressants, you may want to consider them. I was prescribed some and actually only took them for about 3 or 4 months before deciding to try things without them. It wasn't that things had gotten magically better in that 3 or 4 months--they're still as complicated as ever. But having that small amount of time where something was helping me stay a bit more stable allowed me to get things a little better ordered in my brain, and when I stopped taking them, the sense of balance stayed. Might not work that way for everyone--I don't know well enough to say that. But a little time where your brain doesn't feel as much like a ball in a pinball machine can make a big difference in your state of mind AND your ability to reason things through.

Don't ever apologize for posts about frustration or fear of unhappiness. That's what EC is for. If it was all rainbows and unicorns we wouldn't be here. Take care.

 

oh wow, that's different. well, not knowing what her antics are, I can only imagine some bizzarre behaviour. have you ever hear of codependents anonymous groups? it's a twelve step program. I don't think that you are doing yourself, her, or your kids any favors by pretending that everything is alright when she is engaging in "antics."

 

uhm.... wow. and why are you staying?

 

Hi,

Is there more giing on than meets they eye?

Could she be looking to make you explode for a divorce case with scales in her favor?

It miggt not be you at all.

 

OK, I definitely get it. But when the kids are gone and the finances are stable, you'll probably find that there will be other reasons that you can't leave. Sorry you're going through this. (*hug*)

 

Call me "oblivious", but Im not understanding WHY you are having to pretend anything, especially being "happy"!?

And if I can stick my nose in........how old are your kids?

 

good point! even if you have little choice about being there, you sure don't have to pretend to be happy while she's texting her fb.

 

Pete, I get it, just like many do here. I am living in the mother in law suite in my house, and am on a fixed income and things are tight. However, that being said, I waited until my three daughters were adults, the youngest (twins) are 20 now, one still at home, and I regret waiting every single day. It has not got easier, there are more and more reasons all the time why I can't leave, why I can't do this or that. Finally a few weeks ago I told my hubby that I was going to move out and started making plans, and it has felt soo good. I hope that you are able to find a way to move out and to make things work as far as having the kids or getting them equal time. This must be so hard for you to watch her do and to have to hide how you're feeling.

 

Usually, 17, and even 14 year olds can pretty much sense when something is wrong. I guarantee it. You may be putting up a good front, but they won't be fooled.

Not saying you should gnash your teeth and tear your clothes off, I am more inclined to have you consider stoicism. This means the avoidance of negative emotions by taking charge of the situation. Her behaviour is outrageous, but you need not be affected by it if you make a plan to leave and stick with it.

Focus on the plan, not on her behaviour. Make short- medium- and long-term plans with regard to finances. Set deadlines, and act when it is possible. Focus on the temporariness of this situation, it cannot endure, it is not forever; remember that always.

 

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, in the end we become disguised to ourselves." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

He's kinda cute, in that Medieval way.

---------- Post added 7th Feb 2015 at 11:48 AM ----------

Damn, I'm never successful inserting pictures on this site

---------- Post added 7th Feb 2015 at 11:51 AM ----------

Hey Pete,

So you're not alone; sadly I battle depression and sadness (I differentiate the two) everyday but usually say nothing because most people are tired of hearing it. Everything is an uphill struggle. For me; the thing about hiding, even though it's hard and sad, is that it always felt safe to me. And, I don't always feel safe in my new "coming out" identity.

---------- Post added 7th Feb 2015 at 11:53 AM ----------

Oh yeah, I've been on every anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication and had 84 different therapists, group therapists, support groups, used alcohol, weed, and porn and I'm here to say none of the above is a magic cure.