Dear friends. It has been a bit more than two months since I came out to my wife, and for about a week to one of my sisters, and I think that will be all for now, sadly I don't seem to have any other person, ether friend or relative that I could trust with this information, is sad I think because I don't want to feel like I still have to hide from the majority of people I know but after long conversations with my wife and sister, they agree that the truth would be painful for many and I don't want to be the cause of pain to none. Possibly not a good recipe for happiness for me, but I understand that preventing pain on others has value too. I was 10 years old when a man with a gun promised to find me alone somewhere and rape me, this day when he made those promises or threats, we were outside a church, he said that if I was to say anything to my father he would use that gun on him and I would be responsible for his death. I believed him and kept silence to protect my father and family, I had 4 small siblings, He found me alone one day and ruined a large portion of my life but in the end I believed that my silence protected my family. Now everyone is older, I have protected/shielded them from the truth for so long it just seems unfair to bring this on to them at this advanced age. and that is the reason for feeling depressed at times, it seems like I have been carrying secrets most of my life and was getting to the end of my sanity, if I still had any, I was afraid to loose my mind and That was the reason I told my Wife, and then my sister but now it seems that I hit a dead end. I'm grateful for all the advice and support I have received from this community in the past two months, I hope some day soon to start assisting others with advice. for now that is all I have Thanks to all
Carrying secrets...the burden they place on you has had the effect of altering your personality. We don't have the particulars, only the fact that they are a secret...even here, you are only alluding to them, as if by force of habit you can't tell us either; not that I'm asking you to; only pointing out that it becomes second nature not to divulge, not to say anything, not even hint at anything. So thoroughly have you kept this secret, you could almost believe it never happened. What is unfair is that you feel you must carry this burden alone, in the interest of avoiding causing pain to others. This is a noble sentiment, but what is that doing to you? Seek help, and sooner rather than later. Tell a qualified counselor what happened, just say the words to someone who will listen and who can guide you out of the pain this is still inflicting on you, even now after so many years. You've carried this secret long enough: you owe your life the chance of happiness. Have no fear, brother; no more fear.
Journaling can be a good way to face up to the secrets. You write it down, and it makes it real. and you can lock it up somewhere if you need to. BUT, just like greatwhale describes above, in 18 years of attempting to journal I only alluded to my secrets, so ingrained was it in my psyche not to actually say them or write them down. Finally, this year for the first time I wrote out a journal of my life, for nobody else to see, but just for me to get real. And yeah, if you can go to a therapist and be completely honest, it makes a difference.
when I was 9, I had a related powerful experience. Not the same obviously, but it seriously altered my behaviour for the next few decades. It was buried so deep that I did not start to even understand it till my 30s. Flushing it out with therapy can transform things. It can allow you to see this not as a "dead end", but maybe a temporary dark place from which you can plan a new road map ahead. For you to take control. It sounds like you could also do with a few other things as support. A few out gay friends, just as support. Not anything else. Very empowering.
JACT, I'm truly sorry you have suffered with a trauma like the one you mentioned; even without the details it sounds terrifying. My wife was subjected to trauma as a little girl and I know she has found an incredibly helpful website for people who have gone through similar life altering and horrendous experiences. It has been really helpful. I don't actually know the website because she has been so private about it, just telling me that it's helped her enormously. I'm not even sure I am allowed to put that information here. I just wanted you to know that it exists. For my wife, she has felt that the only people who can help her with this are those who have been through it themselves. Take care of yourself.
Greatwhale, I will seek help, I will not risk the onset of deep depression, I fear that more than my secrets, I have much to live for I have made it this far I will keep on going and I appreciate you kind words. Thank you ---------- Post added 7th Feb 2015 at 10:50 PM ---------- Wildside, I wrote those memories and read them and quickly destroyed them in fear that someone may find them and read them, but it helped me get past the initial fear, I then one day told my wife then my doctor, he recommended a psychiatrist That is going to be my next step, I buried those memories so deep I hoped they would never resurfaced but they did and now I have to deal with them. Thank you.
Bingostring I do hope to find some good friends soon, gay friends, as the ones I have now I feel would not understand, I have you all here and I'm grateful for the advice and encouragement but it would be nice to have some one to have a cup of coffee with and share stories with ---------- Post added 7th Feb 2015 at 11:31 PM ---------- Arturoenrico I will be in therapy soon and I will research all I can for resources to aid in this issue, I appreciate your concern and just by showing concern you are helping me , I really appreciate your comments Thank you
