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I just can't handle this.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by womaninamber, Feb 7, 2015.

  1. womaninamber

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    I had a coffee date but it went nowhere. I ended up getting really depressed afterwards, even though I kept telling myself I shouldn't. I wasn't depressed over the woman, I mean I barely knew her and though I had hoped we might be friends I wasn't counting on it. But this was the first time I had tried to meet anyone in years and nothing came of it, and who knows how many years it will be until the next time.

    I talked to my therapist and she feels that the fact that I continually put myself down is a more important issue than my sexuality. I'm sure she's right but I'm also really freaking frustrated because if I were a little more secure in my sexuality I might be a little more secure trying to meet people. Also she told me no one can love me if I don't love myself and I absolutely hate it when people say that. I don't care if it's true -- it doesn't make me want to love myself. It just makes me believe I'll never love myself and no one else will ever love me and I really can't handle that. I'm too old to just start "loving myself."

    I thought of trying to go to a meeting at the LGBT center but I'd have to take an hour or so off work to get there on time so I'll have to wait until a better time to do that comes along. But if I end up sitting there terrified and telling myself that I'm really straight it won't do me much good.

    Sorry for the negativity. I just really wish I could sort this out somehow, that I continually didn't question my sexuality. And if I have to work out how to love myself before I can address my sexuality then it will never happen.

    I'm sorry for the negativity. Just somehow being told to love myself makes me so angry. People put me down for many years when I was young and nobody stuck up for me then but now I'm supposed to "love myself."
     
  2. Polka Dots

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    There have been points in my own life where I didn't like myself, let alone love myself. I'm better now, but I can empathize with that state of mind (unhealthy as it may be). It took catching my spouse cheating for me to wake up and realize "Hey, I'm worth something!" Certainly not the ideal way to recognize one's value.

    I'm sorry your coffee date didn't go as well as you hoped it would -- I remember you mentioning it in a previous thread. I think that it's worth celebrating, though. You took a risk by putting yourself out there, and that's a step many people are too afraid to take. (Sometimes I am one of those people.)

    IMO there's no need for you to apologize for your negativity. We're here to listen. I wish I had more advice to offer you, but being I'm particularly bad at making friends IRL I wouldn't be much help. I'm a very private person and in the past I've been burned (as you probably have). I've had to deal with some very toxic friendships, and those still haunt me whenever I meet someone new. Sucks, but that's how my mind works.

    Since you can't visit your local LGBT center right now is there a club you could join that may help you meet others with similar interests? I recall how much you enjoy anime --- is there a Japanese culture appreciation society in your area (that's what my local chapter calls itself)?

    Many hugs to you. (*hug*)
     
  3. maybgayguy

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    I have been through some pretty deep depressions. I would lie in bed at night and tell myself how much of a loser I am. I would spend hours detailing my failures. This is really odd but I used to think of myself getting beat-up and deserving it (I never had abuse in my past nor am I a violent person).

    The thing that has helped me somewhat is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Quite simply, I just fought like hell to not let those thoughts invade. They are only thoughts, and unhelpful thoughts at that. I heard this piece on This American Life (an Public Radio program). This guy felt the same way. So he set up an email program that would send him emails 12 or so times a day telling him he was a failure. This sounds like the opposite of what you should do. However, what this did was externalize that voice. He started to realize that his personal critiques were weak and well, dumb. What I liked about CBT is that it wasn't about digging up the past but using techniques to quell the voices.

    It is still a big struggle for me. However, I spend less time thinking about how I am unworthy, incompetent, etc.

    I am not a psychologist but this worked for me at least.
     
  4. TheStormInside

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    I'm not sure how much advice I can give, but I can say "I relate" and "I sympathize." Simply telling someone to love themselves is like asking someone to build a house without any blueprints. Have you discussed with your therapist ways to be more compassionate with yourself? Something that often comes up in my own sessions is that I need to go easier on myself. I am not very judgemental or harsh with other people. I am generally pretty forgiving. But I beat myself up for every little error, sometimes even completely confabulated ones. Try to be more forgiving with yourself, and more understanding. I think that may help you move away from hatred, and a bit closer to "self love."

    I still have a lot of very negative feelings about myself, they surface at various times. And it's easy to get sucked into that trap of self flagellation, and determining at the same time that one deserves such terrible treatment. I had a very close friend who was an expert at this. And often I'd ask him, "who *would* deserve to feel like this?" Because to my view, he was a good person, a kind and caring, creative, interesting person. It wasn't as though he'd committed some atrocious act, or was sociopathic or cruel. He was just struggling. The type of struggling he inflicted upon himself (and the type I inflict on my myself, at times, as well) I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I share these thoughts with you, because I think they may be important for you to consider, as well.

    As for the coffee date, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I am trying to work up the courage to get out there in the gay community, myself, and I applaud you for actually doing it! Perhaps if things like this don't go as planned you can at least consider it practice, for when you do meet someone you feel more of a connection with.
     
    #4 TheStormInside, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  5. jay777

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    This all are a few issues.

    First I'd advise you to do a little ritual.
    You could take a piece of paper and write "past" on it.
    Fold it, see all that burdened you from your past enfolded there.
    Then flush it down the toilet.
    Then take a shower and feel all that old stuff washed away.

    Give yourself the permission to start anew, and feel it.
    You can have a second puberty, there are new parts of you coming to life.
    Just explore your feelings, do a few things to meet people and enjoy.


    If you have voices in your head, telling you something won't work, tell them to go away. Literally. And replace it immediately with a mental image of what you would like to have.

    Have some trust. If you do something, new ways will open up. If you trust and make one step, other things will show up, which lead to further things, Just go there, step by step.

    Do an exercise daily.
    Imagine yourself surrounded by love, in a place you like. Build on that image, reside in it for a few minutes.


    This is one of the most important:
    change your expectations.

    Bravo! You should celebrate this ! You did something new and succeeded.
    You had a date, you really met someone. A good step for more.

    Now this exactly is a matter of a twisted perception.
    Its not like some opportunity was given on a silver platter, and you have to wait for the next one.
    You now know how to create such moments. There is a multitude of opportunities to meet people. You just have to go in that direction.
    First, I'd advise to take emotion out of this.
    You just got used to a way of thinking that is not healthy, but which you can unlearn.
    Instead of fearing for the worst outcome, you can envision a positive outcome.
    And do things to get there. Just trying, but keeping doing things.

    Trust it will turn out fine eventually. It helps.

    Feel yourself being worthy of a nice relationship. It should be our birthright.
    Just keep on working on it, and it will be good.
    Its a step by step process. Keep going and reinforcing the positive.

    Another flawed perception. You are never too old. people have started university in their 60s and 70s, Transgender people have transitioned in their 70s.
    Look back the last 10 years. Acceptance and atmosphere have changed so much.
    Just use the opportunities that are present now. They were not there then. And they continue to improve, imo.

    More of the same. I'd say regularly change those images to a desired outcome.
    What if you meet someone nice there ? What if its a cozy place you like ?
    What if they have a garden and a barbecue place ? Or just a vending machine with nice drinks ?

    You can change that now by making a resolution to keep at it by working at it.
    Thats all it takes.
    Your intention and keeping taking steps to get there.

    hugs
     
    #5 jay777, Feb 8, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2015
  6. MisterTinkles

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    How about putting it in numbers?

    People seem to get more of a grasp of things when a numerical value is placed on things.

    1. There are about 8 billion people on Earth. That is BILLION, ok?

    2. There are about 320 million people in the United States.

    3. There are about 40 million people in the state of California.

    Got those numbers?



    Ok, so how many people have you met, in relation to the numbers of people that are listed?

    2? 3? 10?


    ALL of these people on the planet, in the USA, and in CA.........and I suspect you have not even met .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 % of them!

    And you base meeting ONE person, out of MILLIONS/BILLIONS as a failure?

    Hell, you haven't even gotten STARTED yet!!!!!!






    :icon_wink:icon_wink:icon_wink
     
  7. arturoenrico

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    Hi womaninamber,

    No advice, just commiseration. I have held myself back from trying to meet anyone since I came out and left my home. I do go to the LGBT center for support meetings but I haven't "dated" or "hooked up" etc. On Wednesday night, this week, a guy I had my eye on for a while, since he attends the same groups I do, was really friendly to me. We had a good chat after the meeting, nothing else but it was nice. I was thinking about him nonstop for 2 days, silly me. I was going to another meeting two nights later, Friday, and I thought I would see him there. I did; he hadn't known about the Friday group until I had told him. He came in, late, saw someone else he knew, went over to him, said nothing to me. At the end of the meeting he left quickly with this guy in a way that made me think they were hooking up. The whole thing felt bad to me just because I usually keep to myself and leave right after meetings, not taking a chance to really meet people. I did try and it was nice but I got my expectations up that maybe I made a friend. I also got a bit depressed. It hurt because I'm so lonely. I will continue to go and hopefully I can try again.

    BTW, I don't believe the stuff about having to love oneself to be loved. I think loving oneself will enrich relationships but it is one of those platitudes that is just not true. I don't love myself and I know my wife loved me dearly; she says she still does. I know my kids do as well. I think loving oneself is icing on the cake but it doesn't come easy.

    If you feel negative, please say it. I hesitate saying it too sometimes because I don't want to be a downer but I have to say it somewhere.

    Take care
     
  8. CyclingFan

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    It's not that you can't be loved if you don't love yourself. It's that its hard for you to effectively show love for others without loving yourself too.

    At least this has been my experience.
     
  9. womaninamber

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    Thank you so much for the support. Those are some really great ideas.

    The truth is that I have been to meetings at the LGBT center but I kept telling myself I didn't belong there so I would get uncomfortable. And the last time I went I felt horrible, and told myself I have HOCD even though I don't. (I don't know if I'm straight, but I don't have HOCD.) I promised myself I would just admit I am straight and stop thinking about this and never go to a meeting again.

    In the past I have had an OK time and often went out with the women afterwards for something to eat, but that last time scared me off.

    The other thing about the meetings is that they're supposed to be open to bi people and the website specifically says they are but I get the feeling really only lesbians actually go. There is a bi group and I have been there but not many people attend.

    All the same I need to stop making excuses and get out there. It's just scary sometimes. But I really appreciate the support.
     
  10. MisterTinkles

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    Stop expecting and start listening.

    If you are going to these meetings, it does NOT matter who you want to date, hug, kiss, marry..........we are all just people. Stop putting labels on everything, especially yourself.

    Just go to the meeting without expectations, and just listen. Just be there.

    I can guarantee you aren't the only one in that room that feels the way you do.

    Make a friend. A good, honest, trustworthy friend is better than 1,000 failed relationships.

    You can never have too many friends.
     
  11. maybgayguy

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    This is so very true!