The State of My Affairs (or lack thereof)

I haven't posted in a while, although I have been lurking and been wanting to post to some threads. For some reason there is a disconnect between the conversation going on in my head and the effort it takes to type it out in a meaningful manner. However, I am going to make an attempt because this week is....well....Shit.
Let me first try to emphasize that I am not a gushing romantic. IN ANY SENSE. Oh, I imagine romantic things but I am not a heart wearing, love quoting, Shakespeare loving fool. Valentines' Day does not bring out the romantic in me, it brings out the soul crushing critic. The one that shouts "YOU ARE A F*&*ING LOSER! HOW OLD ARE YOU AND YOU STILL CAN'T GET A DATE ON THIS ALL HALLOWED SACRED NIGHT OF DATES? YOU CAN'T EVEN GET PICKED UP! BY ANYONE? LOSER." I don't know what it was like where you went to high school, but at our school on Valentines' Day the office was flooded with flowers and balloons. Each girl secretly keeping track of whether or not her boyfriend bought her roses or carnations. I was the interloper walking by the office, trying to feign interest, secretly wishing that one of those would be mine. THAT FEELING persists on this day. (To be fair, most years I would get something, from my mother, so there's that.:rolle
Let me recap a little. Sorry for the long post too by the way. It's just Sunday, and I feel like gushing. I feel like I have made some decent changes in my life recently and progressed towards something that I feel like is similar to the warped vision of what I sense my life should be. I recently got my own place. (I wasn't married, but might as well have been in a sense. I lived with my parent for far too long to be considered "economic reasons". This was a HUGE issue of my feeling like a complete failure, being as I am almost 40. However, I realize now that there are other issues that were wrapped up in it.) So now I don't exactly feel like a failure, just intense anger sometimes toward myself for not doing this sooner. So, I'm screwed either way in that department.
My imagination works like this. Imagine completing task that has been impossible for years, task heroically completed, next task just blatantly falls into place because I am just that good. However, my imagination is completely, utterly wrong. For the life of me I cannot attract ANYTHING. Men or women. Or Goats. Not that I am into goats. But what the bleeping hell is wrong with me? And I am not trying to be weepy here. I scientifically think that I have a pheromone blocker or something that I cannot attract human intimacy. Is this possible? Granted, I am not a looker, but I don't really think I am on the clearance aisle just because I am less than a hot catch. After all humans of all type breed. (Except me. Truly I am the only one.:dry I try to make myself calm and happy during the teary times and say that the number of chances to meet women in my area is comparable to my chances of winning an Emmy. I try to say that the reason I have never dated a man is because when I was looking, and nobody was taking, was that my mind, being as awesome as it is, was just protecting my soul because I knew I was really gay. I am not completely anti - social. I don't particularly like bars, because I really don't drink, but I have contemplated the idea of just going into the city and into a bar and see what happens. But then if nothing happens, and I confirm my hypothesis, then what? I am not seeking marriage vows, just a confirmation that I am indeed human and capable of attracting someone, even for a night (an hour?) like every other normal human being out there. I feel like since I am getting older, the hourglass has turned and am racing the clock.
I am not sure what I am looking for here. Maybe just a place to vent. I know I need to look for similar people. But even in the nearest city, the reality is grim. Maybe I should just buy some wine. :icon_bigg
Thanks.