Do you think about "the one that got away"?

my story is a little different, I was deep in denial and got really close to a friend. I did something stupid and betrayed her trust and screwed up the friendship. I look back (it was the 80s) and I think I did it subconsciously because we were getting so close and I was afraid. Now that I have accepted myself, I wonder what would have happened if i hadn't done what I did, would our friendship have turned into more. I'm don't think I'll ever get forget , I think it's just a part of my past.

 

Yes. I was in love with him, but I have never been in love before, so I did not know what it was that was going on with me. I was acting weird (even for me) and that scared him away. Never heard from him again.

 

I sort of naturally do a lot of "looking back" but I have realized that it doesn't do me much good. In fact, too much looking back often leaves me feeling depressed about "what I should have done".

And if there's one thing that I've found to be an impediment in getting out there confidently in my life, it's looking back over past "mistakes".

I don't know if that's exactly "getting past it" but it reminds me to enjoy the memory for what it is and not let it get in the way of what I'm currently doing or will be doing in th future.

 

For me it was one of my college roommates, we'll call him X. I was head over heels in love with him. We did everything together--well, except anything gay (I didn't come out until after college). On a sidenote when I came out after college at least half of people when they found out were like, "oh right, you and X..." But alas no. I had a travel fellowship after college for a year and several of my friends told me that he was going to ask me not to go. I wasn't sure how I would respond to that and as it happened I didn't have to. On the night before I left my friends threw me a big party. He showed up late, drunk, started to cry and passed out. I left the next morning. Later , after I returned when we discussed me being gay his response was: "wow, I guess that's like a whole lifestyle thing... (long pause) I can't do that... (again long pause) I'm sorry." I feel bad for him but still look back on him fondly...

 

Oh, and that being said, I wish id been a bit less clueless about the guy who invited me over to watch "Pillow Talk", the Rock Hudson/Doris Day film.

 

I do. From time to time I think about the older woman I met in a restaurant and got totally smitten by. I'm not sure she's into women but the time we met we exchanged phone numbers. We called each other a few times but speaking with her over the phone was making me pretty uncomfortable because I was worried my mum will find it suspicious and ask me questions. I tried to meet her once when in her town but it didn't pan out and we've never contacted each other since then.
I'd do things differently now for sure but I just wasn't ready back then.

 

Yeah, that's part of how I feel too. Sure would have been nice if I'd been ready to even notice thibgs earlier, but I wasnt. But, I am now, so I'm going to celebrate that and not worry about the "would have, could have".

 

I think about the one that got away. I was in DC for a couple months, and I met Alan the last day that I was there, and we had a really good time. I really wanted to see him again, and he wanted to see me again. But when I told him that I was leaving the next day, I fear that he must have thought that it was a brush off. There was a tender embrace as we parted, and I kick myself because I didn't think to exchange contact information. That was three years ago. There was that instant chemistry that you don't often feel. I think that if we had met when I first got to DC instead of my last day, it could have led to something that would have overcome all my fears. But maybe (probably) that's just fantasy. But it has been a persistent fantasy.

 

Sorta. I didn't know I was gay and I knew she'd had a boyfriend, but she was the first girl I ever knew I had a crush on. I never told her, but I felt really weird when j heard she was engaged.

 

Fearing this is happening to me and I'll become a sad mess. After reading these posts, I got emotional and sad for you guys,not out of pity, but because we all deserve a chance to be happy.
I had a friend who came out to me. Super nice, talkative, fit, and yeah a bit campy, but these were the greatest thing about him. Slowly I fell for him, and when we worked out together I felt warm just being a round him. I was too shy and far into denial to do anything. Although he mentioned he had a boyfriend, he said if we ever wanted to do anything, I'll never judge you. Would it have been wrong to have complied then?
There's another story, but it's too complicated to even think about, but more so to write it.

 

Actually I feel they all got away from me because I always had a knack for falling in love with straight guys and becoming their best friends, which never had a good ending. It is a bad recipe for success in love.

 

Yes, sometimes, and thankfully not like I used to. I made the conscious decision to stop speaking to her because it was so hard being just friends. When we were dating, I kind of messed things up but honestly, I think she was still in love with her ex boyfriend and there's no competing against what they had.

 

Like this yet not quite like this, because I didn't fall for them. I just thought some were hot and wasn't interested in a relationship per se. I didn't run in the same circles as most of this collegiate and downtown eye candy, so I really didn't get to know any of them.

Also, this "look" is more prevalent among heterosexual men than gay men. I can't help that. It is what it is. I wouldn't have known if any were bisexual. However, if a gay or bi guy has this look, though fewer do, and he's not complicated and has a "let's get down ... to business" way of looking at things, I would also find that person hot and a "person of interest."

 

Yeah... sometimes.

 

hi guy. you are 44 years old. you met these guys in the 90s. it has been 10-15 years. it's time to move on. sure everyone gets like this and think about people that were in our lives and that we wished we could have been with or if we did this differently or said how we really felt maybe just maybe something would have happened and some good would have come out of it. this type of regret is ALWAYS in its most idealized form. this mean that you have over time made the person "perfect" in your mind and if you would have only done XYZ you would be living a fantasy right now.

people do this because where they are in the present is not as idealized and wonderful as their fantasy life of what could have happened in an alternate universe if they had only done XYZ.

My point is the past is gone. You can never go back. You can't change what happened and let's be real. who even knows if these guys would have been great for you anyway. what you can do is learn from this and move forward with not living in regret.

for instance if you are into someone now in the present, then let the know. make friends, flirt (if it is safe). you can't rewrite the past, but you can take actions to get the type of future you want.

 

So, do you believe you can really hurt someone you love? I am torn.

 

I agree it is not good to dwell in the past. However, it is easier said then done!

I mainly miss not being out and dating when I was younger. I didn't have any deep crushes on anyone. However, I know that held back a lot of times. I had guys hit on me, went to gay bars a few times but left scared, and had friend that I was not all that close with who came out 2 years after college (he was part of our larger group). I am not sure if we would have been a couple but I wish I could have talked him about how I was feeling at the time.


I try not to let them take over but I surely do have regrets.

 

Hard as it may be you have to let go and try to give yourself the space to live and love again. When you are single it's not easy and you can develop a tendency to look back with a sense of regret.

Loving again is the key to moving beyond these feelings, I think. As love grows with someone special you begin to turn away from thoughts of what might have been, to what is possible and that's so much more absorbing and engaging.

 

All good points. Especially this one. If someone is sitting there fantasizing about someone they wouldn't even know how to find today, thought that is now more easily done, kept very different company from them, and/or was way out of their league, that person has some issues to work through.

It didn't work out for a reason. Time to move on.

That's why I believe in "strike when the iron is hot," "if you love (like) someone, set them free," and other practical approaches. "Strike when the iron is hot" can get you that hot fling to tide you over for a while. I'm not a prude, and I don't think I ever was, even though I'm fairly traditional about a lot of things, but a good roll in the hay can work like a relief valve so a person doesn't have to pine.