How do you know for sure?

I'm not really sure that I can answer this. When I was married, I was able to have sex, but I found myself having to picture being with a man in order to keep it up. I was always able to recognize a pretty woman, but it was always different. I'd see her beauty and that was about it. With a hot guy, I'd see details like how his eyes sparkled or how he walked. I never noticed that with women.

I finally came to terms with it after meeting with a therapist and having her confirm it. We talked in depth and I was finally able to accept it and stop running from it. I understood and knew that my feelings towards men were natural to me and my feelings towards women were forced.

I hope this helps. I think the answer to your question might be somewhat different for each person.

 

Knowing something "for sure" is a tall order when it comes to sexual orientation; it is often a matter of comparison, a "more-than" situation rather than a definite answer.

I know because, although I have been with a few women (my ex-wife included) and it was pleasant enough, being with a man is simply an order of magnitude more exciting, and because the emotional component of being in a relationship with a man is infinitely more satisfying.

And that, although not a "for sure"...is good enough for me.

 

Well, that sounds a lot like i might describe it too. I know what a pretty gal looks like, and I thought I knew what sexual attraction was, but I didn't really know what that meant until I let myself see guys the right way.

---------- Post added 17th Feb 2015 at 02:00 PM ----------

I didn't have any sexual contact with other guys until after my wife and I had separated. Even that wasn't exactly compelling evidence, just on its own.

 

I did not need validation from any experience I may have had with a man to conclude that I am gay; it didn't happen that way, it just dawned on me one late night just over 2 years ago that this is what it was, it was a strong feeling and seeing in my mind's eye an image of myself in a relationship with a man.

You do not need an experience with a guy to find out; but with us guys (as it was with me) it is sometimes difficult to tap into our emotions and our fantasies...nevertheless, these more than anything, will tell you what is happening with you.

 

That's been the best part of all this for me: seeing myself as I really am, even though I didn't even know exactly what I was hiding.

 

First of all, if you want to masturbate, simply because it feels good at that time, go ahead and do it without feeling guilty or embarrassed; OK, feel embarrassed, but do it anyway; everybody does, including your wife; she just doesn't tell you about it because she is embarrassed too. "What we have here is a failure to communicate" -- Strother Martin, in Cool Hand Luke.

You can be 100% gay and have sex with your wife if you can keep the erection going long enough to get the job done without it seeming erotic to you. That will get harder and harder (no pun intended) as time goes by and your body naturally finds it more difficult to make and keep your penis stiff without help from Big Pharma. If you don't find it "erotic" any more, then you really are not bi, you are gay in orientation. Your behavior is not aligned with your orientation, because you are a gay man continuing heterosexual behavior simply because you are married and that seems like the right thing to do. Millions of other guys are doing the same thing; you are not alone; it seems to be a specialty of this particular sub-forum we have sorted ourselves into. Your wife has figured it out too; she knows she is not "turning you on" any more, but she doesn't understand why it is not happening any more. She does not understand that the initial thrill of being a horny young guy getting sex from a girl that used to get you going has now worn off, and is being overcome by what is more than likely your true sexual orientation. You are the only person who knows what that orientation is, because you are the only person who feels it from the inside. We can tell you that what you are saying sounds like what a gay man would say, but you are the only person who can confirm it. So, your question boils down to, "What do you need in order to confirm that you are gay to yourself?"

Some guys seem to need the physical contact with another man, to observe how they feel doing some kind of sexual act, to see if it "feels right" to them. Others, like Greatwhale, seem to instinctively know. The guys who need to "do it" are the ones who are setting themselves up for some kind of "cheating" event, which throws a lot of guilt feelings into the process that can cause other problems, even legal ones, if they get found out and the wife is of the vindictive type. A few seem to ask permission to openly fool around, and have wives who will allow that, but not many. So, I ask again, what do YOU need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be convinced to say "I am gay" or "I am straight". That is really the first question you have to answer, because that tells you what you need to DO, if anything, to answer the other question.

 

I believe that you could be bisexual but you have to find out for yourself

 

Sexual orientation is very complicated, and you can't know for sure until you try. But since you are married and you have not told your wife yet, you have responsibilities. You must tell your wife about your confusion.

Please notice, you are not alone in this. Your wife deserves to be loved.

 

"Does my love for my wife and ability to still be intimate with her make me bi?"

Love can be complicated and does not always involve sex. In fact, it usually doesn't. Most of us love many people but we don't have sex with them. It's not uncommon for men who are sexually attracted to men to fall in love with women. Society naturally pushes us in that direction from an early age, and, women tend to be much better about expressing their feelings than men, making them easier to connect with. Intimacy can follow naturally and easily when you feel a strong connection.

"Do I have to be turned off by woman to be gay?"

The idea that being gay equates to being turned off my women is a myth. Are straight men turned off by other men? No, they're simply uninterested. Indifference and dislike are two different things, so no, you do not need to be turned off by women to be gay. You're gay, if, allowed to do whatever you like, your sexual and romantic fantasies are mostly about men.

"How do I REALLY KNOW?"

The fact that you're questioning yourself means you're not straight. Many straight men may be secretly insecure about their masculinity but even then they don't seriously question their sexuality.

Once you accept yourself as not-straight, you might find that your perspective on your life and marriage shift. You might find that accepting the label builds your self-confidence and that allows you to be more focused on your marriage as a couple rather than your insecurities as an individual. Or, you might find that accepting the label helps you realize that your attraction to men is an essential part of you and can't be kept bottled up for the next sixty years. Or, you might find that neither of those is true. Regardless, most people experience a lot of personal growth once they accept themselves as not-straight. It's a process without a pre-determined destination.

Here's something you might not have thought about: Many wives of not-straight men know there's something "different" about their marriage. Even when the love is true and the connection is strong, a mediocre love life often causes wives to feel undesirable. They blame themselves for not being wanted enough and, over time, that takes a big toll on them and the marriage. Combine that with the shame many closeted men feel about their attraction to men and there's a lot of underlying anxiety in the marriage. These anxieties tend push the couple apart, although day-to-day concerns about children, money and work often get the blame. Usually in mid-life the anxieties come to the fore and the marriage is severely tested. Think: mid-life crisis.

The best way to escape this dynamic is to be upfront with your wife about your sexuality as soon as possible. That might seem very risky but it's actually the safest, smartest thing you could do. Your sexuality is what it is and that won't change. You are who are you as a person and, for the most part, you won't change. Your wife is who she is. Once you're honest you'll either find that your marriage is inherently able to work or it isn't. Time won't change that dynamic because the three primary factors that affect it won't change much. The only difference between being honest now and waiting is the frustration or anger you and/or your wife will have when you look back and regret your "wasted" youth.

Truth makes or breaks a marriage, regardless of when it comes out.

A final note - unless you are completely convinced you are gay, I suggest not using that word with your wife. Use "not-straight." It's vague and it invites an honest discussion about who you are instead of pre-conceived, emotionally loaded ideas that come with the term "gay."