So... I told my wife.

(*hug*)

Are you working with a therapist or counselor? Might be a good idea for you both singly and with her.

 

First, have one of these: (*hug*), second, although it is sad, remind yourself frequently that what you told her needed to be said and that, ultimately, it is a step toward eventual happiness for both of you. You are absolutely right, many spouses of gay men and women often suspect: this is also a form of mutual denial, a kind of arrangement that many marriages live under.

There will be pain, unfortunately, this is unavoidable, but you can mitigate that pain by seeking couple's counseling, not to save the marriage necessarily but to end it (if this is what you choose) with the least amount of pain and hurt. There are ways to do this that can help you both avoid the turmoil and acrimony that accompanies these splits.

I wish you the best of luck, and remember that we are here to support you as best we can.

 

By all means, maintain hope, but be wary nevertheless! Divorce has a way of changing people, and sometimes for the worse! Protect your interests, but most importantly in the interest of your child. Seek mediation, a third party around tends to make everyone behave.

 

I'm glad it didn't blow up completely. I truly hope you two can stay friends. Women want to be desired, so maybe her feelings are just hurt. It's a good thing you told her bits at a time, though, instead of telling her all at once. Good luck, and keep us updated on new things!

 

Congrats rdbrook! That was a very courageous thing to do. I can imagine things will be rough sledding for awhile but you are on the right path for sure. I hope it works smoothly for you.

 

Congrats RdBrook and good for you! I told my wife just about 3 weeks ago. I am 48 years old - I was not strong enough or ready when I was your age to face this.

I give you a ton of credit for doing this now. I can tell you one thing for me the urges have only increased over the years the more I tried to bury them. Eventually the pressure builds, you act on the urges and then feel great (while acting out) and then horrible for acting on the urges. It is not a fun cycle.

I truly understand now - that I was born this way and it is ok and it is not something that we "choose" nor is it something we can change. Took a long time for me to get there, but I am happy I am honest with my wife - it has been tough on her - on one hand not totally surprised but on the other saying it makes it real. I also have kids on the young side and it increases the complexity of the situation.

I wish you all the best with this. Don't back down - be who you were meant to be.

 

Hi rdbrook.
The first person I came out to was my wife. We are still together eight years later and intend to stay together, but that is just my unique solution to my unique situation.
One of the best things I did was to start attending a support group for gay married men.
Most of the guys in the group are going through the divorce/ separation process. None of our stories are exactly the same but all of us see major similarities in each others lives.
What you are going through is really tough, as one person described it "it's an emotional slow motion car crash". So be kind to yourself.
If you can find a support group for gay married men near you, you would find it helpful.
(&&&)

 

See! this is why lots of women are hesitant to date bisexual men.I know I am.But good luck on your journey,though

 

Those men were never straight to begin with. They were always GAY, but in the closet, and their true sexual attractions were lying dormant.

And your last sentence is dead on.

 

Hi - Just wanted to say from this point on honesty has to be a primary concern in order to establish trust. Do seek mediation rather than divorce. Lawyers are combative, if after mediation has broken down and you need to protect yourself then bring in the attorneys. Otherwise, they are expensive and do not foster good relationships. My ex-brother-in-law paid $500 to keep a $25 item, because of billing hours.

I just came out a year ago this past January. It is a bumpy ride, but it is best for the two of you. Though everyone's story plays out a bit differently, we've all been through it. Welcome to the club.

 

as a Bi person, i find this offensive. it is narrow in its scope and derogatory. i was with my STBX for over 20 years, i loved my wife and our marriage ended for other reasons, to make statments like this to justify a personal discriminatory practice/preference on your part is, frankly and completely, offensive.

 

And you have every right to feel that way.And there is nothing wrong with having a dating preference. Stop shaming people into thinking that is.

And what I said was not meant to be offensive. Many women think like that.

 

Honey, a man cannot go from straight to gay over night. It does not happen like that.If you as a man had always thought about having sex with a man then you are gay. If an alleged straight man lays down with another man,even ONCE he is gay, and was always like that.

Maybe those women need better gut intuition,leave that person alone.

And another if you know for a fact that you are going flip flop on a woman, why not be single?

Also, even though I am curious I am predominantly STRAIGHT! I love men, and I see myself settling down with a man.And I am praying to GOD he will be a good man.

 

It's not going from straight to gay in over night. Sometimes we have personal revelations and become finally aware of some aspect of ourselves that was hidden due to denial or avoidance. The gayness was there but under cover. Some men can pose as straight, as I did, were able to perform sexually, as I did, but not with great pleasure or engagement. And, I was always thinking about men sexually. I guess to some I turned from straight to gay over night but not really.

Anyway, rdbrook, good luck to you. It is good you are coming to this realization at a young age (young from my vantage point). It will be better for both of you. After 25 years of marriage, it is hard for both myself and my wife to start anew.