How to avoid offending gay friends

It's a tough thing. So many people think that we're all magically endowed with a rainbow-colored gay card that makes all of us instantly bonded to one another in all respects. Geez. One of the things that scared me into the closet 30 years ago was the realization that I was NEVER going to fit in with the club and party scene, which I was dumb enough to believe trumped everything else about being gay. D'oh! Not all gays know each other, do the same things, hang out in the same places. Shockingly enough--some don't even LIKE each other! :eek:

I haven't had a lot of experiences like that, but I've usually made some humorous throwaway comment like "Hah, which club has that night for conservative old gay dads, fresh out of the closet?" Something that makes it clear I'm not passing judgement in the least, but also that I'm still finding my footing. I also tend to play the introvert card, since I can be fairly outgoing in the right setting, so people often don't realize how much I struggle in social situations unless I find some way to say it. It's been trial and error, though, and you have to flex according to the audience. Best you can do is just be friendly and honest. The ones who think you're worth it will ignore any stumbles if they know your heart's in the right place.

 

I think we live in a world now, where to many are worried about offending people. Being offended by something is a choice and little more than a whine. If someone wants to get all offended by something you said and go off on one, then they really need to grow up.

You can say what ever you like to me and I wouldn't get offended. Even if you cursed my family and everything I believe, I don't really care and I'm not going to whine about it.

In short, don't worry about it and express yourself truthfully and honestly. That way you will never have to compromise your integrity.

Happy days

 

I think what you've got here is a situation where both you and your friend are making the same fundamental assumption (possibly from such a deep level that you don't even realize you're doing it):

That whatever way you happen to live/think/do things is 'the way' that everyone lives/thinks/does things.

This isn't a value judgement on either of you, nor is it exclusive to the issue of ways of living or culture or the like. I see it all the time in my job working for a company that is both very large and still in the process of 'integrating' its acquisition of my division, which was itself a large company in its own right (our acquisition basically doubled the size of the parent company). Time and again, I will run situations where people from my line of work, but based on 'the other side of the fence' do a set of things only one way, and think only one way, and approach the job only one way and have to struggle really hard to wrap their minds around the idea that other people don't do it their way.

I work in adult education and also spend a fair bit of time educating people in my personal life about some fairly esoteric topics, and I run into a form of this to one degree or another there quite a bit as well.

This is apparently a human trait, rather than something that has anything to do with personality or you personally. It can be frustrating sometimes, but if you (not 'you' specifically, but 'you' as in people in general) approach things with the right attitude, it can generally be worked around.

As to what that attitude is:

Approach this new life with an open mind and the attitude of an explorer. Listen and absorb. Ask lots of questions (of the type that educate and clarify, not express opinion), preferably from a cross-section of people to try to gather differing viewpoints and see if a given thing is widely believed, or just believed by the people you are around right now. Always keep in mind that it is a rare thing for 'all members' of any given group (including LGBT people) to have a uniform belief about anything. Assume from the start that people will do things differently until experience and exploration indicates otherwise.

It would also actually help if your friend followed the same advice. He presumably knows you are new to all this, although perhaps his expressions of amazement are more of a personality trait or tic than actually struggling to understand that you come from a different background. Like I said above, it's not just you.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Hi

Some people just fail to realize their ethnocentricity is not everyone elses.

Nothing you can do but share your interests

Tom.

 

This resonates with me; it's not that I'm offending anyone but most of the gay men, actually practically all, want to go out and party, have sex. sometimes anonymously, etc. I hate the bar, club party scene. I like quiet places and conversation; I'm not interested in casual sex. Right now I don't even want to date. I do want some companionship now. I just don't meet too many men like myself.

 

This may be true of your personal experience so far, but I do not think it true of the gay male population in general, not for "practically all." The problem is those who are more like you and don't want those things are at times much harder to find. It doesn't mean they aren't there imo.

 

there is definitely no one and only way to be gay. we are as varied as the colors of the rainbow! :newcolor:

 

I'm sure he knew what you meant. He needed an excuse to be offended and to be a jerk.

I know exactly what you mean. I can do without the shooting, the mud bogs, and the video games, but my interests would be more aligned with yours. I don't drink, dance, and party. You're just pointing to the typical "non scene/scene" demarcation.

You shouldn't need to feel you have to walk on eggshells. That seems to be an affliction of sorts these days. Telling someone that you weren't and aren't into the party scene should not offend anyone. It's the truth. You're being yourself.

---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2015 at 08:36 AM ----------

I've got a similar dichotomy going on. I have always hated the bar/club scene. I like to do things with a friend or two or three. Companionship is good. As for the casual sex, I find that if I don't get some for sex for a while, casual sex will work. It's not as good as a relationship or a FWB situation that has a regularly scheduled programming aspect, but I can't apologize for wanting to unwind in the sack every now and then. The funny thing I've noticed is that a lot of more traditional, quieter guys don't want the parties, the substances, and the ink, but some still really like sex every once in a while. It's all good. If you don't feel like you don't need that aspect right now, then you don't need it. Maybe you will later ... or maybe you won't. There are no rules and schedules except your own.

 

I am sure they're out there but I meet gay men at the LGBT center in New York by attending the Gay Father's Meeting and the Gay Married Men's Group. I was also in 2 psychotherapy groups for gay men, both of which I left. And, unfortunately, since I hate stereotypes, I hear so much talk about hooking up and go toe bars and clubs etc, regardless of the age. I wish I knew where to find other men more like myself in this way.

 

I understand. So, then, with a sarcastic sense of humor, he must be a cool guy.

When I was in school, there was a petty theft in the complex where I lived and I was affected, though not in a big way. I got a call from the police department that a detective or something would be coming over to talk to some people in the complex to get depositions, including me. When the detective opened up his file or clipboard, it had a picture of the guy. His sort of Southern name was mentioned ahead of time, as in "the upcoming trial of (name)," so I had formed a mental image of the person, and then said to the detective, "Oh, so he's a white guy ..." The detective was black and took it fairly well, but he sort of made a face and rolled his eyes. Oops. The perpetrator plead guilty to the thefts so that was the end of that.

Some people are gifted at handling faux pas. Others can get set off by them. I'm ok with some, but then I've got some "no trespassing" zones. I didn't like it when a bitchy hygienist asked me if I was going to Keeeeeeeyyyyyyy Wesssstttttt, as if she was "fishing," when I told her I was going to Miami during the usual small talk when getting your teeth cleaned. I liked her prior to that.

 

It's hard not to offend most gay people...

 

Hello,

Whether some of the gay stereotypes are natural or adopted affectations (I am gay I have to act like...) some of the folk love drama.

Look at gay dating sites and look for those profiles that mention drama.

Straights do it too but not a huge percent.

But because gay drama queens are so visible we assume higher percents.

 

I find that offensive!!











:icon_wink

 

I'm offended. :roflmao:

 

Some of us are going to be offensive just by existing. Our politics, our religion, our moral understanding, our lifestyle: all might be offensive to someone. The fact alone that we've been closeted for so long is offensive to some, because we "hid". We avoided the struggle for rights.

Some of us might find the more flamboyant members to be offensive to us, because for some they are the embodiment of what we fear most...Fairy, Pansy, Faggot, Nancy.

Silly when you think about it. When we were closeted, weren't there traps and situations where offending someone part of daily life. Well, now we're part of a minority where some have suffered differently from us. We don't know all the rules. As we grow and evolve as gay men and women, we will be able to negotiated these waters much as we did when we were "straight".

 

I agree! That's NOT progress, either.

I miss "those days." * sigh *