So I've written here before but I guess the confusion never settled to I've stayed single for a while so I wouldn't screw with peoples feelings if it turns out I'm a different orientation than who I'm with. I actually met with an ex boyfriend of mine today whom I broke up with years ago due to confusion about a "girl-crush" at the time and the guilt it brought me. Anyway we had a friendly lunch to catch up on life. All I could think of was "why did I break up with you? We understand eachother, we make such good friends, why couldn't it be more? Why couldn't I make it work?" "maybe I should just kiss him and see if feelings are there?" "he's handsome so maybe I like him". It sucks its soo compulsive. Even then there's always been a weird vibe with my boyfriends. My own mother has told me since I was little that I'd get more attention from guys if I wasn't more standoffish but I never REALLY understood what she met. Maybe its the same vibe? Anyways girls...girls...girls. I've had infatuations with many. I don't know if it's admiration or lust or just overwhelming desires for female friendships. In high school I went through a phase where I thought I was in love with my best friend but I was told it was just me confusing friendship. College I started noticing more girls, told myself I just found their facial features interesting like a piece of art. But I always found myself wanting to be friends with some particular girls like an overwhelming draw, often leaving me looking like a dummy. Sometimes I meet women and I get a huge smile on my face and think man I really which I could just ask her for some coffee and not make her feel uncomfortable. There's some really pretty girls out there!!!:dry: I never really get that urge for coffee with men. But hey its so easy to be lonely and obviously if you turn up the charm its easy to attract someone of the same sex. I guess thats what confuses me most about my past relationships. The initial intent. I don't feel repulsed but I don't think I've ever been in love ya know? Sexually I'd say whatever I am I am probably repressed but not asexual. I also have wondered if maybe I was just straight but sexually repressed because of my religious upbringing. I just find myself confusing all these feelings and can't tell lust from admiration and so on. I envy my LGBT friends so much. It never seems like they never doubt themselves, even though many "found" their sexual identity/started to experiment long after I myself started questioning. It feels like they're so comfortable in their sexuality that my questioning is unsettling to them so ironically I find that I can't really talk to them about it. I guess even to the most understanding person it would become boring at a point... I'm coming to my mid-twenties I feel like I should have more life experience than I have atm and actually know my orientation by now, especially since questioning isn't new for me. I know I could always experiment but I'm introverted and I really don't want to experiment just to find out I'm straight if that makes sense.
Try this thought-experiment: Tomorrow morning, you will wake up as you would normally but you will just "know" that you are lesbian. No doubts, no questioning, you are definitely lesbian. Go through your day as a lesbian, and try not to think about it, just try to notice how you feel. When you feel something interesting, write it down. Do this for a few days, gather your notes together and set them aside. Once you are done with that, the next morning, you will wake up straight. No doubts, no questioning. Go through your day as a straight person, and try not to think about it, just try to notice how you feel. When you feel something interesting, write it down. Do this for a few days, gather your notes together and then: compare these recent notes with your "lesbian" notes. What you may find, is that you won't need your notes (we are very good at remembering feelings) and you may find your answer (or at the very least, you may be closer to the answer you are really trying to get at).
Great Whale! Merci pour tout ton encouragement! Seriously you're like magic. I may have been a little bit of an over achiever on that homework. Put myself out there (for once without jugement) and found this wonderful girl. Still have my reservations, being scared of finding out I'm straight down the line but so far it feels great. I'm doing me. Whatever happens happens. Just so easy. Organic. I'll be the first to admit that I was a coward but right now I feel at peace. Thank you for being there. Thanks again my friend!
