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Upcoming Bar Mitzvah

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by greatwhale, Feb 22, 2015.

  1. greatwhale

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    Greetings,

    Well, the ex is on the warpath again...we have tried and failed to cooperate on planning our youngest son's Bar Mitzvah which is to occur this year during the Labour Day weekend.

    It is simply impossible for her to refrain from insults during these "discussions", and she is putting our son in the middle, as usual. Unbelievably, it is currently a question whether I, his father, will be invited to be involved in the ceremony.

    This is unacceptable, I will not attend as a mere guest at my own son's Bar Mitzvah.

    So I laid down an ultimatum. Either I participate or I don't go, and the considerable amount of money I would have put toward the celebration will be given to my son directly, in a financial instrument she can't touch. I will also make sure that as many of her guests as possible know why it is that I won't be there.

    I have learned recently that there is no reasoning with such people; the only way to get things done is for there to be a cost associated with her behaviour, and this cost will be considerable.

    Yeah, it'll suck not to be there, but my days of being humiliated (and this would be a massive and public humiliation) are done.
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    what most sucks is that your son is being used as a weapon in this situation, in what should be a joyous occasion in his life. Can you talk to the rabbi about it, to let him know that you expect to participate in your son's bar mitzvah?
     
  3. Really

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    Who chooses the aliyahs? Your son must have some say, no? Can he not ask you independent of what your ex wants? Your ex sounds rather immature if she can't set aside her issues for one day. I'd make her explain it to your son if she's going to be like that. As the saying goes, "As you make your bed, so you must lie on it". Meshugenah bitch. Oops. Did I say that?
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Sorry to hear about this greatwhale. Must be infuriating to have to deal with her 'issues', but more infuriating still to see your son caught up in the middle of it all. It sounds like she is placing her own feelings above those of your son and that's a real shame for him. I imagine it's a real test of patience, but also very upsetting for you.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    I so wish I could say Meshugenah Bitch to her face, but it generally makes things worse...

    The problem with my son is that he feels very guilty anytime he does anything that may favour my relationship with him, because he feels it hurts her; the guilt is palpable and very concerning. It's the principal reason he has refrained from coming over to my place on my weekends. The choice is always up to him, including my participation in the ceremony, but he simply isn't able to handle her guilt-trips, so he is hesitant, saying only that it's up to her. Then when she talks about it, she says it's up to him. It's all very fucked and frustrating.

    If I don't go, I will do an alternate celebration where my family can attend and where the tension will be markedly lower...
     
  6. Tightrope

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    Putting kids in the role of "pawn" during and after a divorce is selfish. I don't know from experience. I know from friends of mine who have admitted the pain and resentment from having been put in such a role during their parents' divorces, and it really struck a chord with them. It stems for her apparent selfishness, but you already know that. Her end goal, getting at you, is justified by the means - using the kids as "pawns."

    It's sad but I agree that it's better that you don't go. Missing a milestone event must be tough.

    I really see the adage that, until the kids are grown and independent, a person is really "married" to another person for longer than they legally are. It seems that, as more time goes by, there's less and less of an "after-marriage."
     
  7. doinitagain

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    I feel for you greatwhale. I good friend of mine had a messy split with his wife and she used their daughter as a weapon. I said to him, you can only keep on doing the right thing. Now, years later, he has a great relationship with his daughter as she can see what her mother was trying to do all those years ago.
    I know you are, but just keep on doing the right thing. The most important thing is to nurture a good relationship with your son. He is finding it difficult because he doesnlt want to upset either side. In his heart he will know what is going on. And if he doesn't now he will in a few years.
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Very true, and the key thing to remember about the lingering after-effects of marriage is that maintaining and feeding anger and rage maintains a kind of "relationship" between us. This is why it's my goal to be completely indifferent to her, there is no other way. I work very hard to control my impulses to get angry (the provocations are mind-boggling), making her continuing bad behaviour costly (to her) is the only way to deal with this.

    If she insists on making this event an issue, it will cost her: it's the only language she will understand. What is infuriating is that it will cost my son too, so I need to compensate him as best I can.
     
  9. arturoenrico

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    You should speak to the rabbi who should speak to your wife, hopefully followed by a joint session to make a shared plan for a Bar Mitzvah for your son.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    I agree and I will definitely try...it's a bit weird though as the Rabbi himself is going through a divorce...

    Fact is, this would work with someone who is reasonable, unfortunately, that is not her strong suit.
     
  11. looking for me

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    i feel your pain man. i will be facing this in a year or so, with my son's High School Grad. do what ever is best for your son, even if he may not think so at first. this is his day of course, i just hate to think that you would be forced to miss it because of "adult" issues.
     
  12. FreedMan

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    Greatwhale, Stand strong for your son. Keep him in the center. That's whose day it is. What I hear here is anger toward you for the man that you are and keeping you a distance from your son on this day when he follows his path into manhood. It's an affront to the man that you are to put you on a public stage and somehow make you 'less than'. I have a feeling your son has no problem with walking in his father's footsteps -- and it doesn't make him "less than" either. Keeping you away will not assure his mother that he won't become the man she fears and worries about -- gay. He already is whatever he is --- and what he is is his own 'man' -- different and separate from either of his folks. Growing up is some challenging stuff. Parents can make it more so or less. All I can say is that with a father like yourself - I would feel nothing but loved, cared for and nurtured to become whatever I was meant to be. You're his father -- no one can rob you of your role. Don't let them. And if you have to fight to be your son's father --- go for it! Let the chips fall where they will. Your son will be the beneficiary.
     
  13. EllJae

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    Does the rabbi have a choice of not performing the ceremony?
     
  14. MOGUY

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    I strongly agree with Brother. There will come a time that your son will be out from under his mom's influence and he'll need to remember how you fought to stay in his life.