Have I accepted my sexuality?

Being careful in who you tell isn't a sign of not accepting yourself, it's just exercising common sense. If you know, for example, that someone hates gays, then what would telling them achieve, except an unpleasant experience for you? But someone you know to be more intelligent and progressive, you could 'test the waters' with them, with more confidence. I think we need to be discerning, and that's not the same as being afraid or non-accepting; it's just being sensible.

 

No, it just means that you're very smart. Being out doesn't mean that we hand a knife to someone who wants to hurt us. We have to be very discerning, and only bring it up when it's going to produce some good fruits, never when it's going to result in our being hurt. And CONGRATULATIONS on being out.

 

I'm going to swim against the tide here and say that it does mean you're uncomfortable with it. I don't think this is necessarily such a terrible thing--everyone has bits about themselves that they aren't completely comfortable with. I think, however, that being comfortable with yourself is always something to strive for. As you become more comfortable with it you may find that it just isn't as big of a deal as you had thought. Maybe you won't run around proclaiming it but maybe you won't give much thought to who knows and who doesn't. I can honestly say I've come to the point where it really doesn't even occur to me that someone would have a problem with it--any more than that somebody might have a problem with me being blonde or the fact that I like to read.

 

I agree with OGS.
I think that there is obviously little benefit in directly telling someone who you know is homophobic that you are gay. But in my experience of coming out its often hard to know that and many people who I feared to tell most (because i had made assumptions about them due to their age or background) turned out to be the most accepting. My own 'coming out' journey has been scattered with such pleasant surprises!
Like OGS I have told so many people and don't bother hiding the fact of my sexuality that now many people I might not have wanted to know - now do. I don't think anyone has shunned me yet because of this (may be I am just lucky) but may be some people who may have been prejudiced or uncomfortable themselves around gay people can now see that actually we are pretty normal and not at all scary.
How to become more comfortable yourself? There is no other way than simply by telling more and more people - starting with the 'easy wins' and working out from there. Every time you tell another person it gets easier and you feel more comfortable. At the start of this process it can seem huge and daunting, but trust me if you just bite the bullet and start doing it you will probably end up wondering why you took so long to get around to it in the first place. Many (most) people are far more accepting than you might think. Go for it.. and good luck!

 

I have reached a point where I am fine telling just about anyone to the extent it is relevant that they need to know; without concern for whether they are homophobic or not.

Just last night, I had dinner with a person I have known for almost a decade with whom I have a business relationship. I have no idea whether he is homophobic or not (although I do not he has strong conservative views), and in the context of discussing our families and my divorce, I told him why.

I could have not said anything, and I did not even think twice about saying it. I just said it and the discussion went on as if it was no big deal.

I guess, for me at least, thats my way of reaffirming I have definitely accepted it.

 

I think for me it was most simply a process of deciding that it was worth it. I finally realized that none of the things I dreaded were worse than living a life devoid of honesty and integrity and never opening myself up to real love. I came out in the early nineties in Utah to a very religious family and I was braced for the absolute worst. They were different times and being truly locked out of everything I had known seemed like a very real possibility. And it was a possibility that I genuinely decided was not as bad as living a life devoid of honesty and real love--all those people I was afraid wouldn't love me if I told them who I really was, well if I never told them that would always be there in the back of my mind. Those relationships would never really be real, even if I was the only one that knew. In the end I decided that even if I "lost everything" I really could only gain. In the end my only regret was that I didn't come out upon starting college rather than upon finishing it.

Back in the day coming out was done with more of a sense of defiance--because it had to be, I suppose. You really could lose everything. It's good that it doesn't have to be that way any more--but I sometimes wish there was a little more defiance now. People here seem so very concerned about what other people think or what they might do--and frankly seem to have very little faith in the people around them. Ever since that first round of telling my parents I have always genuinely assumed that people would be alright with it and, you know, to the best of my knowledge they have been. I'm sure there have been people who thought less of me and just never told me--but, well, I guess what they think of me really isn't any of my business. But in the end I sat down one day and decided that living a genuine life of honesty and love was worth losing everything I had, the idea that I would be concerned that some guy at the grocery store or some distant aunt might have a problem with it is just kind of ridiculous.

 

Generally it takes time.

Accepting yourself or being out isn't something that happens instantly. Even if you're comfortable with yourself, it can take time for you to be comfortable with people knowing, even after you've come out.

 

that! First, I came to accept the fact that I'm gay, after years of denial, but I wasn't comfortable with the fact. Over time, I started to realize that there are a lot of good things about me that I couldn't see because of years of self hatred associated with my denial/anger about being gay. I could see good things about myself like compassion, gentleness, sensitivity, intuitiveness. And I realized that there is just one me, and if there had been a magic way to change some DNA strand so that I wouldn't have been gay, it might have changed other aspects of me that I like. So that led me to gratitude for the way that I was made, and very much gratitude for being gay. I came to believe that God made me this way for a reason, and that it is a gift. Really, that is how I feel in my heart today, and if there was such a thing as a way to change sexual orientation I would absolutely reject it. So, that was how I came to acceptance. But Clay is ABSOLUTELY right. Thank you Clay for saying that. As I've been reading this thread, I was second guessing how comfortable I could be with being gay if there are still people I have not come out to. But I can also say that once I became comfortable with the fact that I am gay, I started coming out to people. I didn't plan it that way, it's just what happened. And so I have come out to everyone I really feel comfortable with, and I've come out to my doctor. There are people to whom I have not come out, sometimes because I don't want to hurt them, sometimes because I'm afraid that they will hurt me, sometimes because there is not real reason to tell them. But I do feel that anyone who asks me if I'm gay will get an honest answer, so this is all a huge amount of progress since I came out to myself. I am really happy to be gay, but I most enjoy when I'm with other gay people and just talking about anything and everything and not having to worry about some topic being off limits. I don't get those opportunities often enough, so I'm really grateful for EC. Grateful, yeah. I think that cultivating a sense of gratitude is central to so much in our lives, and is definitely a way to get more comfortable with being gay. (!)(!!)(!)

 

Mathew Shepherd was in a gay bar, left with two guys he assumed gay, they were homophobes, pistol whipped him and left him to die.

If we think those were the only two violent homophobes...

Then there are the more subtle, more silent yet harmful homophobes....

Be prudent.