well, that's water under the bridge now. maybe you thought that getting married would "fix" you. I didn't think that I was gay when I got married. I thought that I had sex with men because I wasn't married, and getting married would just make everything OK. It took me a really long time to figure out that I was gay. You have figured it out, and you now realize that being married just isn't working. You figured it out a lot quicker than I did, so you're definitely not dumb. And, ironically, an archaic meaning of the word "dumb" was the inability to speak. And you definitely aren't dumb in that sense either. Just speak up, and let her know. Maybe you feel like crying. Just sit down with her and cry. go from there. just start somewhere. you can even write a letter to get it all out there, just keep it short if you do, don't act like you've got some disease, and let her know that you really do love her and never wanted to hurt her, but there is nothing you can do about it. I imagine that you had the best of intentions when you got married, but things just didn't turn out the way you had hoped. (*hug*)
Hey Doglover... what happened to you? you sort of disappeared... it appears things haven't gotten any better for you?
Hey doglover, sorry you are still having a hard time, I am too. Just trying to take it day by day, with little accomplishments every day
Pretty much in the same boat as you. Got married 6 years ago this June- only I have known since sixth grade that I was gay. Came out to my sister at 19 but 'back paddled'. Kept telling myself I could handle the two 'lives' and did a pretty good job of it at first. Did use to have 'arguments' with myself about my sexuality, that I was gay ('No I am not!' 'Yes, you are!') etc. Should have known then it would not work. She knows though. Funny thing is, she thought I was gay when we dated in college 25 plus years ago, and still thought I was when we re-connected 8 years ago. When I asked why she agreed to marry me after the truth really came out, she replied 'because I love you', and yes, I think it was a dumb ass move on my part to ask her! Or not to have stayed out at 19! Water under the bridge is how I look at it. Pick up the pieces and move on, least try to, is my advice, so it might be flawed somehow! Yes we are still married, not that I want to be. I guess there really is no 'good' time to broach the subject of a divorce, though she does often enough when pissed off at me! And just to be clear- No I have not fooled around on her. Promise is a promise no matter how big the mistake is.
advice guru Dan Savage always says that if you are in a sexless marriage, than there is no reason not to get the sexual needs met elsewhere. But if you're still having sex with your spouse, then you can only have sex outside the marriage with their consent, which could certainly make for an interesting conversation. IMHO, he's right.
Hi, Dan Savage was responding to this; That is a very different situation. ---------- Post added 28th Feb 2015 at 03:26 AM ---------- Doglover, Pete1970, TreeClimber... Is the issue "being gay" or the problems tied to "divorce" to correct the situation? Very different issues. Many here focus on the money. You want to die unhappy with money or happy and poor? Let me share something... Poverty does not kill, you are a survivor you just don't realize it, but the wrong attitude can kill. How do I know you are a survivor? You are gay, married, have kids and are SURVIVING!!!! What happens when you point those survival skills towards being authentic?
I didn't get married but in some ways, I might as well have. I have two children with the man I am still living with. Almost 6 and a half years before it suddenly dawned on me that I am gay. I have been living with him since telling him for 4 months and it is pure hell. I don't think I'm exactly smart for staying here, especially since he's been bouncing back and forth in the denial and justification stages of his grief. I don't think that you are dumb for wanting the one thing that everyone everywhere crams down everyone else's throats, the "american dream", that sense of normalcy and not feeling so alone with such a big and important part of yourself. Accepting that I am gay has been one of the hardest things of my life and the one thing I ran away from to avoid the truth about myself. So even getting married when you knew deep down that you are gay is still on the spectrum of grieving for your own sense of what life should be like. The biggest problem with humanity today is not the mistakes you make but what you take away with you from them. Most people don't apologize for their mistakes these days or learn for them so you are one step ahead of them.
Hi doglover, there's always a solution to any problem, even the really seemingly intractable ones like what you are dealing with. It might take time to resolve, but so long as you act with sensitivity and care for both yourself and your wife, you will be able to find a way to resolve this for both of you. Take heart, and courage. How I've needed to develop courage, in the personally dark times of late. Things can seem so bad sometimes we can feel like there's no point to it all, but it feels good to defiantly stare back at the darkness and say to yourself, "I'm not going to crumble, I'm going to work this out, somehow!" And you will, in time. Amdy.
Thank you for sharing that it took you a long time to figure it out. I'm 33, and "figured it out" at 32. I was so confused by how I could not have known. I am still dumbstruck by how I was so clueless, but maybe it is just fluidity. It is okay, though, as I have done what felt best to me and I have no regrets. I learned from it all, and I am where I belong right now.
