Hello All... I have never been a socially adept person. That has always been my sister. She was the extroverted party girl in the family, as I was the introverted wallflower. I've never had many friends in my life, and rarely have more than one or two (if at all) at the same time. People say I am difficult to know, but thats how I am. I cannot tolerate head games and bullcrap. It is one of my defense mechanisms to weed out the losers, posers, and players. Not that I have done a good job of it, but it works for me. My sister puts it this way to her friends who think I'm an asshole because I'm not like she is....."You have to get to know him, before he lets you get to KNOW him". And for my sister, that is one of the most insightful things she has ever realized about me. I mean, this from a girl who couldn't even remember her brothers NAME most of the time!!!! Anyway....... I've lost some friends to them moving away over the years, so I rarely ever get to hear from them, much less see them anymore. I've had to let some friends go, because of some of their very bad habits that they refused to work on, or at least leave at home when they are around me. And even others who are still close by, but have busy lives, so they might as well have moved away. What I am wondering is.......HOW do you find friends? HOW do you find a mate or just somebody you can get close too? It has always boggled my mind how my sister is on her FIFTH husband, has FIVE kids, and has multitudes of friends, and yet I cannot seem to find anyone interested in me for any other reason than to use, abuse, or run down with their car. I mean, really.........I've seen people who are just worthless dregs of society with tons of friends, and married or dating. I've seen psychopaths with the same. Hell, I've even seen the most quiet and introverted of the wallflowers with friends and someone to date. I'm lucky if I find ONE friend once every five years or so. The very few friends I have now, I have collected over the past 20 or 30 years......its taken me THAT long just to get 8 people. But as I said, most of them have moved away and are busy. (All straight married women by the way, except 2 of them are single and one is one of their hubbies) I'm bored, I'm tired, and I'm tired of being bored and bored from being tired. It's not like I haven't tried to make friends or anything. I talk to people. I have to work around people. I am definitely not my sister, but I am also not the most introverted wallflower either. I don't know how people do it. I would like to have someone who likes to do the same things I do, and pal around when we can afford it, chat online, play games (I like board games), and stuff like that. This is just one of the mysteries I have yet to figure out, and I have figured out quite a few mysteries in my life so far.......but this one still eludes me. I mean, am I REALLY the only person on this planet that has absolutely nothing in common with another gay male? I think I'm ready for someone to get to know......whether for friendship or something more........I just don't know HOW. I've tried those "social clubs"......and they end up being the same mentality as going to a bar...minus the actual bar. I've tried a political group, which was a huge failure. I tried a bowling league, which went nowhere.......literally. For the past few years, I've tried chat and friend sites, which are nothing more than extended versions of pick up/prostitute apps like G.R.I.N.D.R. and such. Which I don't want any part of. So, I am just at a loss at how these people I see have any friends at all, much less find a date or someone to get serious with.
Hi, First, I like you so do not take offense. Second, have you considered mild Aspergers? Third; is there a tad of inflexibility regarding rules (see Aspergers, see pot in laundy room story)? ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2015 at 01:51 AM ---------- It is a spectrum and mix-n-match... Desire for friendships and social contact but difficulty acquiring and maintaining them Shuts down in social situations Social withdrawal / may avoid social gatherings Lack of interest in other people Lack of empathy at times Difficulty understanding others’ feelings Can obsess about having friends to prove they’re “normal” Rigid social behavior due to an inability to spontaneously adapt to variations in social situations Has an urge to inform that can result in being blunt / insulting Preoccupied with their own agenda Great difficulty with small-talk and chatter
I have a somewhat similar position as you. For me, I am socially awkward, cheerful yet blunt and honest. For me, finding friends is a challenge because I do not enjoy small talk and in the LGBT community there is a lot of drama that happens. I will tell you how I have made friends successfully in the past, maybe there might be something you can take away from this and apply it to your own life. 1. I recognize friends are not easy for me to make. It takes a lot of effort onto my part because it's not easy to create the kind of friendships I seek. They are deeper and based on quality and not quantity. This means I have to meet tons of people and spend time with tons of people before I can narrow it down to the few people I click with. 2. I only use clubs/organizations, dating apps, bars/clubs/parties as meeting spots. They do not guarantee friendships, they just present me with opportunities to meet like-minded people. I try to find places that focus more on an activity- for example I joined a LGBT organization that allowed me to participate in volunteer projects such as promoting the club, collaborating with others for talks/presentations, organizing a documentary and discussion night, etc. This got me to focus on my own personal interests and got me to work with other people on a project so I just wasn't left to make small talk- I had a reason to approach other members of the group (e.g. contacting a member to discuss the display for the clubs/societies fair). 3. When you meet people, ask questions, learn about people. Learn more about the individual. As introverts we understand the complexity of ourselves and we know that the people around us are also complex. First impressions can mean a lot but they do not reveal the whole entire person to us. For example, my best friend when I first met her was loud, crazy, and perhaps obnoxious. It took about a year and a half of knowing her before we became best friends. Today she is still loud, crazy and obnoxious, but I have learned she is also insightful, grateful, and gives amazing advice. Who would have thought? 4. I constantly read articles online regarding how to be social. I have channels on youtube I follow on how to deal with awkward social situations (e.g. like how to respond to a friend going through a hard time, when to distance yourself friend people). The book the Introvert Advantage is probably the best book I have ever read to help me with social situations. It helped me learn more about myself and gave me practical advice on how to make deeper connections with good people. 5. Acquaintances are a good thing. These are people who you aren't super closes to but you end up in the same places at the same time. For example when I was a member of a group there were several people whom I would chat with but we never really got together outside of the group. I have had several acquaintances who have introduced me to people who are now close friends of mine and vice versa. They can also be great to beat loneliness for the time being! 6. Do not participate in the LGBT drama. LGBT networks tend to be a small world, everyone knows your exes and you know everyone's exes. Conversations happen and people's feelings get hurt. You hear a lot of gossip and it drives you crazy! It can alter your perception of another person. Refuse to participate or listen to gossip. Encourage better conversation such as topics related to the group you are involved with (eg. when I was in the running club we talked about health-related topics while stretching because it was something we all had in common). 7. It's okay to be choosey. Know your boundaries. I am impressed to hear you know when to distance yourself from people. This was the hardest one for me to learn and accept and I imagine it will continue throughout my life because I deeply care about everyone. You are right in that only the person can decide to change their habits that lead to self-destruction. I would say keep participating in groups (formal or informal). Just change your approach perhaps? Definitely read articles online, books from the library/book store on how to become more social in a way that fits you. What works for me may not always work for you.
sweetfemme90 - great advice. If you want to meet people, you have to go out and meet people, not click away on your keyboard. Meetup.com could be great place to find activity groups in your area. Heck, there's a D&D game this weekend I'm hoping to join. Look for the activities that you enjoy and go from there.
Friends are generally people with common interests, it is therefore necessary to find yourself in contexts of mutual interest. The next step is to simply introduce yourself, but before you do that, observe them a little, try to find some aspect of that person, or something that person has done, so that you have something to talk about. Use their name, and often. Think about how you feel when people remember and use your name in conversation, remember that feeling, you will induce it in others when you use their name. Smile, and often, 'nuff said. Be yourself, I know, it's the oldest cliché, but it is no less true for being so. Mister Sparkles, you have a boatload of personality in your threads here at EC, if you can find a way to translate this into real life, you will be fending them off mercilessly!
