Feeling unaccepted in the lesbian world

well you're not alone. i am in the same age bracket and when i tell gay men that i am just starting to come out and come to terms, you wouldn't believe the amount of sh&t i get. in fact, i have found more understanding and support from straight friends versus so called gay ones.. the questions from the gay men are all the same: "so have you ever had sex with a guy. are you a top or bottom, why did you wait this long? wait, you mean to tell me you weren't having sex with guys in your 20s? wowwwwww, i can't believe that. Oh, you're confused. you need to accept you like guys and you're gay". i even had one guy tell me, you need to accept you're a F&G." he was gay. so yea, i can totally relate. you would think that coming out to other gays would be a safe haven but it's like they will pick you apart over your life journey just because it is not like theirs. instead of support, you almost certainly become devalued. "why did you wait so long?, you need to hurry up, you're not getting any younger...". i have found coming out to many gay people very hurtful and insensitive. almost to the point where i lie by ommission and just leave out the fact that i am as inexperienced as i am. when i have tried to be honest, instead of getting to know me, the other gays have fixated on this notion of SEX SEX SEX and when or why haven't i done it. it's like they can't let it go. it's like the fact that this is one of the hardest things for me to deal with is a joke to them. sure i guess if you have been out and screwing guys since you were 16, by 40 you would think someone else coming out at that age is a joke. but i don't. there's just so much to deal with. people that have been struggling with their sexuality longer need even more support and encouragement but sadly that's not what at least my experience has been with many gay men. it's actually quite the opposite where they have tried to tear me down for not knowing all they know or being "slow" or not up to speed enough. i've never had a straight friend that i've come out to ask me, "so have you had sex with a guy or you the top or bottom, would you suck a D*CK?? c'mon, has a guy sucked your d*CK before?" but this is the type of crap i have gotten from other gay guys within a few minutes of coming out with my truth. i wish people on here would stop painting this rosy picture that everything is candyland and gumdrops in the gay community because it's not always as supportive as one would think. the fact that i even mentally leave out certain aspects of my truth with gay guys tells the story because like clockwork the barrage of questions start and they almost always center around sex. its never about "oh wow, i could see how it would be hard for you OR you're brave to have made a change like this..." it's usually something like the above. just sad

 

I would hope that the picture we paint here is an accurate one. I completely agree, there will be insensitive dolts who will question why it took you so long, and there will be idiots who obsess about the sexual aspect of being gay, as if that is all that mattered.

LGBT folk cover the whole spectrum of humanity, both the good and the bad. It is also sad that some feel they have to go into the closet again with other LGBT folk because of the shame that is inflicted upon them by others who were able to sense their orientation much earlier in life. For many of them, it is simply incomprehensible that one could marry and have kids and still call oneself gay.

My only caution would be that it is unwise to generalize. My personal experience after being out 2 years now is that I have met several "gold star" gay guys (who've never had sex with a woman) and when I've told them my own background of being married with kids (no use pretending), they have been only supportive, or curious (one has to expect questions, it's part of the deal), or even a little envious that I had kids.

My only counsel would be: widen your circle of gay friends, you have been unfortunate in meeting idiots, but there are many more who are mature enough to understand.

As for painting a rosy picture here on EC, I hope this isn't happening, there is a great deal of struggle going on, and we are here for support; when things go well, there is no need for support.

 

Your journey is yours and yours alone, don't lie to just fit within others tight little box.
Be who you are and others will love you for it...



Hugs and best of luck

 

I think if you see rosy pictures here, it's more an effort to encourage people that the experience isn't automatically a nightmare, rather than to suggest that it's ALL rainbows and unicorns.

That being said, to paraphrase Greatwhale, LGBT people are really just people, and there are nice ones, and there are jerks. A lot of your experience will depend on who you run into, so you can stack the deck by starting out with more supportive groups, if you can find them. I go to two different church-based support groups that have been very helpful, and the people there are much more interested in accepting than judging. And several get-together invitations have come out of it, which helps. I've had a few little skirmishes with the "how could you EVER do that...?" types, and all you can do is keep in mind that they didn't have the experiences you had, and may not be open-minded enough to even accept the possibility. That's THEIR problem, and it's as close-minded as the people who can't conceive of anyone having a gay relationship. You may be able to educate them - or you may just need to write them off.

Above all, though, I'd say fight the urge to get bitter and judgemental and excessively discouraged and desperate. And that may not be an easy thing to do, depending on what you go through. But there ARE good and worthwhile people out there, and if you have too much armor and protective shields up, they're going to shy away and look for someone less defensive. It's a very delicate balance, being open without being so vulnerable that you have a victim stamp on your forehead. So look on this as an opportunity to improve yourself, and become a stronger and more caring and open person. Tell them that the STRAIGHT life was the experiment, and now you're ready for the real thing, with people who can appreciate your unique journey.

 

Yep I'm feeling the same. People don't take me seriously, like I must just be curious. I feel like I'm being interviewed for a job where I have no experience and noone wants to give you that experience. Very difficult. X

 

I have had this response as well. I've been to a couple of psychotherapy groups of gay men of mixed ages, and it was hard to feel accepted. And I was put off by the constant focus on sexual activity, anonymous, random, whatever. One guy on the first session asked why I was in the group, "was I experiemnting with them to see if I liked gay men." Since then I've been more selective. The gay married Mens group and gay/bi father's groups are good for me because almost all the men are near my age and have been married. I also tried a gay men's opera club but those guys were so unfriendly, unwelcoming, etc that I made my escape after a few visits. But, as greatwhale said, gay people are diverse and they can be of all types. I think though among some gay people, who have been out for years, and never lived in the "straight world" they are very suspicious. It reminds me of my father tell me his experiences in World War II as a Jew stationed in Alabama.

 

Tasser, I greatly appreciate everything you said above. Recently I accepted to myself after many years of uncertainty that I'm a lesbian, but have been in a relationship with a man for 7 years, we have a daughter together, and honestly feel like I am trapped. And then, I wonder, what will happen when I do come out, I feel like I am so behind all of the gay women in the world who have been out since they were in their teens and 20s. I am 32 and feel like I have missed out on actually enjoying the best years of my life, and that once I do start living, I won't be accepted in the LGBT community due to having spent so much of my life with a man. I guess I'll just keep going and with you luck in doing the same!

 

I've always been with men my whole life, and now married to a woman. I have the same internal struggle as you do, of not fitting in with those who have identified as lesbian most of their lives. I just want you to know you're not alone! I am 33.

What I tell myself is not to worry about others think, and be true to myself. It is not easy, though, and support would be nice to have. However it does not invalidate our being if we do not receive their support. Best to you!

 

Shellee, I'm in the same boat as you. I'm 36, married with 3 kids. Deep down I've always known that I'm a lesbian, but I've only recently accepted it. I've spent my life fighting so hard to be straight. I too feel trapped and like I've missed out. No one knows, and I mean no one. I keep that secret closely guarded. At this point I can't even imagine coming out. Truthfully some of the stories I read on here of the lack of acceptance in the lesbian community toward those of us coming out later in life don't exactly inspire me to come out. Most days I think life might be easier for me here in the very back of the closet.

 

I think I got incredibly lucky when I came out at age 49. Like Maria1679 I fought for years to be straight and carried it off pretty well but I personally went through years of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I came out to lifelong lesbians who knew people like me who had come out later in life, who had been married to guys, and who had children and before I even came out THEY knew (and the story they tell of seeing me at Target and "targeting me for a dyke" are pretty funny).

We are a group of open, proud, liberal, and (some of us - not me quite yet) politically active lesbians. These incredible women accepted me right away and have been excellent guides on my journey. Our ages range from early thirties to mid sixties with most of them paired up/married. We meet for dinner or other activities at least once a month and besides seeing my out of town girlfriend every few weekends, it is the highlight of my month to see my friends.

Not everyone came out in their teens or early in life. There are multitudes of us who have hid in the closet due to societal constraints. Even thirty somethings had those constraints thrust upon them. Just yesterday I was in a conversation with a fundamentalist Christian and a liberal Muslim at work who were talking about relationships. I kept saying significant other and finally said that I was a lesbian and had a girlfriend and the fundy said, "I won't judge you, I just don't agree with your lifestyle". The Muslim guy said, "That's cool" (and then he proceeded to talk about his live in girlfriend - lol!). The conversations get easier. The friends will come. I understand how "gold star" lesbians may feel because my current girlfriend thought I might have been an experimenter. Prove them wrong about you and live your life openly. It just might do the trick. I wish you tons of luck because it isn't easy but it IS worth it!

 

I struggle a lot with acceptance. Not just in lesbian social circles, but in general. Being trans I push a lot of boundaries. Being androgynous I push boundaries within the trans community. I just don't fit neatly into any particular group as far as what people expect. It is difficult to overlap so much. To feel like I don't belong anywhere, and it makes it very hard to find friends who are even willing to give me a chance to know them within the LGBT community as a whole. I really wish it were otherwise. I wish I had some friends outside of this forum that I could sit down and talk with who could understand because they also shared some of the same experiences.

Most of my friends are straight. They don't share those experiences, but they have been more accepting overall than anyone I have met within the LGBT community so far.

 

That is sad, and surprises me that any community that has been marginalized would be doing the same to others. I'm sorry you've had that experience. I don't know anyone in my situation, either.

Sometimes I feel, though, that there are more people than there are willing to admit they feel out of place, and take on an attitude out of defensiveness. I don't quite understand the exclusiveness, though.

 

My impression of lesbians who have been out for a long time is that they grew a tough skin.
They had to stand up for themselves since they came out and forge their own way.
I guess it can make them come across as a bit brusque, because maybe they are bit impatient with stuff that they went through ages ago. The impatience is coming from "why should I give somebody 'staring out' approval, if I had to go through this stuff alone? and nobody gave me approval back then?"
Don't get discouraged! Own who you are: if you are coming out late, theoretically it is none of their business, because even because you came out late, you were gay long before that.
If you own who you are and don't rely on others approval, things will get a bit easier. Remember people are just people, including lesbians: just because you share your sexual orientation with them, it does not mean that they are somehow more moral, accepting and better human beings, who will understand your inner soul 'finally'. They are just people like everybody else, and can be a bit bigoted like every other person.
When I first came out (before crawling back into the closet again), I had a phase of 'reaching out' to groups of lesbians. I made good and bad experiences, but what drove me away was that I initially had this image in my mind that i will finally not feel like an outsider. Well, I still did, not because of them necessarily, but because somehow part of me enjoys it, and I am deeply suspicious of 'in-groups'- and lesbians *can* be the ultimate in-group.
I've noticed that there was still this 'us v/them' mentality, that you encounter in any group, lesbians were not different to any social group I knew before!
I got over this, and started to forge my on way
I hope you will to.

Good luck!

 

This is something I have been dealing with as well. While I haven't received rejection, not yet, as I feel looking somewhat butch as it does prevent more scrutiny than if I were more femme. However the awkward conversations that begin when I start talking to folks when they ask how long was in a relationship, I say I was married for 17 years the ask what made me leave her. I remain vague and just say we grew apart and to want different things in life. One would think that regardless of my coming out at 36...I'm now 37 as of this week....that my monogamy should be viewed as a good thing. I have begun though to make a few friends within the community, other butches believe it or not. Plus another more gorgeous friend who works as a dancer who have been sounding boards for my issues. I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but even when I was in a straight one, dating isn't overnight and being gay isn't going to make me any more or less shy than I already was. The cool thing though, the more I accept myself and the fact I actually have some degree of swagger (I mean I must if 22-24 y/o hotties always flirt with me) and my inner Shane comes out. Anyway,through my pointless ramble I wanted to say I don't know if your in Phoenix ever, but if you would like someone to talk to I am always available.

 

Sorry...hit submit to soon. Anyway, the key is, no matter the community, to be yourself. If people judge you for being yourself, fuck 'em. The only person whose opinion matters is your own. We all spent our lives allowing others perceptions dictate how we lived. We broke the cycle and stopped lying to ourselves and have come out. If certain members of the LGBT community in your area can't accept your decisions were not those of a confused adolescent, but rather a grown woman who knows what she wants in life, they arent worth your time.

 

Most people you meet in life will judge you on some level, some more ignorantly than others. Lesbians aren't some kind of higher being with superior openness and impeccable morals, they are subject to the same flaws as the rest of the human race.

You should handle it the same way as all ignorant judgements, let it wash over you like water off a duck's back, playfully tease whoever is doing it for their silliness, continue being yourself. Some people will realise they were mistaken, as they get to know you more. Others will remain pig-headed and wrong.

The worst thing you could do is allow this to make you retreat into a narrower social life. Adversity must be confronted and overcome, not shrunk away from.

 

I so feel your pain. I am totally rejected in the lesbian community on account of being stuck in this darn male body! Like being in a prison doing life with no parole at times. Can get so lonely more than not. A cruel joke.

 

(*hug*) I have the same issue. I'm 32, recently divorced and have kids. I find it hard to get people to realise I'm gay at all, let alone accept me. The lesbian community can be very harsh towards bisexual women or lesbians who have had long-term relationships with men. In some cases, it's just outright prejudice, in others, it's because they don't want to deal with the practicalities of being someone who's just recently come out and is new to everything.

It's very frustrating but I try to view it as a filter. If someone won't give me a chance because of it then oh well, it wouldn't have worked out between us anyway.

And you're definitely not alone, though I know from personal experience that it can feel like you are. There are lots of people who come out later in life, so see if you can find ways to connect with others who've had similar journeys.