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How could I have not known for 32 years?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Ninagrrl, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. Ninagrrl

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    I am long winded and this has been a long time coming so I just need to get it all out there in the open. Hope you are still with me at the end.

    I have never actually came out, nor am I in the closet. My facebook page states that I am interested in women although I only told a couple people directly that I am gay. One being the father of my children. I have been single for almost 4 months, though the exact day eludes me. This relationship that I chose to end produced 2 beautiful children and I can say that their father is my best friend. I still am living in shock because I honestly wasn't aware that I was gay. All of those who think that you would just know automatically are wrong. Some people do just know, but some of us it is more of when you know, you know. You know? Sorry, couldn't resist.

    My best line about my discovery? So now that I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay it's taking me a while to get around to telling everyone else. No, I'm only half joking. This isn't a coming out story, it's a story about denial.

    I never knew anyone who was gay until I was a teen, or I didn't know they were anyway until I was an adult. I remember asking a neighbor if it was normal to like looking at naked women. She told me probably not and the subject was dropped. I was 8. Sometime later she asked me if I still felt that way and something in me took the chance and back pedaled.

    When I was 12, however, I finally found a girl to explore this with and got caught in a compromising position with the girl next door. I got the expected punishment, no more sleep overs with Kate and stay in public rooms. I didn't expect to also have the added punishment of less time over at my openly gay aunts house. So I "became" straight. It wasn't so much a decision as it was a defense mechonism.

    Over the years I became boy crazy with an unnatural habit of day dreaming about prince charming and the perfect life. My boy craziness later morphed into sexual promiscuity and chasing this imagined notion of my soul mate. I would admit to close friends of my attraction to women and that I was bisexual. I have even had sexual experiences with women who I didn't find attractive. I told myself that it was just a passing attraction. If only I could find the right guy, then everything would finally feel right.

    But prince charming never came and so I started to just go with Mr Treats Me Good. I settled down and had a family with a guy who really loves me for me but could never bring myself to marry him. I'm not sure what triggered my discovery, well on my way to 33, that I am gay; all I can say is that now I know deep down that I finally got it right.

    Now that you know the back story I can let you in on the mess that is my life. I have been single now for almost 4 months and I still currently live with my ex. It is pure torture. We have a 5 year old autistic son and a very active 15 month old daughter. We also have plans to relocate from one side of the US to the other. His goal is to move us in a year. As long as we have the money to do it, I'm fine with it. I'm not fine with the fact that he wants me to continue to live here, not date, not explore this new found side to my being, play house and sleep next to him. I think he is in deep denial and he thinks I'm selfish.

    I'm torn. I feel selfish because I just want to rush out and get a job so I can move out and start dating, but a part of me also feels that it's only natural to want to get out there. I have been denying myself this huge piece of who I am, denying myself happiness. Am I right to feel it is actually selfish on his part that he is asking me to wait until we relocate?

    All thoughts and comments are appreciated. I am desperate to finally talk about this. I am sick of hiding but I am afraid of going through this alone.
     
  2. Coffee Guy

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    It wasn't until my 50's that I finally accepted the fact that I'm gay. I really like women a lot and enjoy their companionship, but don't like the idea of having sex with them. I even had a fiance once back in the 80's, but was still having sex with men when she wasn't around. We had a son, but separated before he was born, she returned to England, I stayed in the States. I never told her, but I think she might suspect. We have seen each other a couple of times over the years when I have gone to visit my son. She is married to a fine man. I wish I was brave enough to tell her, she deserves to know. I think she also needs to know how much I still love her.
     
  3. Maria1679

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    Ninagrrl, I completely understand. I'm 36, married to a great guy and we have 3 amazing children. I've only recently accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian, but I haven't told anyone. I wouldn't even know how to begin that conversation. I've never been attracted to men, but he treats me right. I've spent so much time fighting so hard to be straight. I'm tired of fighting. I mean I've always known, but coming from the conservative religious family that I do I decided to make myself straight. Hahaha... that's worked really well for me. I find myself feeling selfish for even entertaining idea of ending my marriage for my kids and husband would be hurt. Then my family would find out and well I shudder to think what that would be like. And how would I ever explain it to my kids? I've never taken the opportunity to be with a woman when it has presented itself over the years out of fear... what if someone find out? What if I fall in love... would I have the courage to tell my family or would I be a coward and hurt her? I feel trapped and unhappy and sad. I'm just not sure where this will lead...
     
  4. Ninagrrl

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    I have always struggled with this feeling of not being right. I knew something wasn't right with how I felt with my boyfriends. For me, it wasn't so black and white. I develop crushes on men and feel genuine affection. I can fall in love and miss them. I just don't and have never enjoyed or felt connected during sex. I learned early to block out my lovers and fantasize. For me, I always contributed it to being sexualized very young (age 3) by another child and then sexually molested at the age of 8. I always would justify everything. I think it is ironic, the I thought that it was perfectly normal to admit that I found women sexually attractive but not men and I actually believed myself to be straight. So did I know? I knew something wasn't normal with me, it just never occured to me that it was because I was gay. I like to think of myself as a very intelligent person and I'm completely baffled on how I didn't see all the signs. It's like a big billboard right in my face with lit up arrows pointing to the words, "you are gay" and I'm standing in front going "Oh, gee, look at the pretty lights." I know that it is normal to feel at this stage but I feel embarrassed to admit that I'm gay and it almost feels like I somehow missed my window of opportunity and it is no longer appropriate to do so. I know it's not that way, it is just very disorientating. It's like this is something that I'm doing to my ex but I feel like it isn't recognized that this is actually something that is happening to me. I feel like saying, "how dare anyone judge me for feeling like I should have the right to my pursuit of happiness." This limbo that I am living is very tiring to maintain. I might have told him, but it hasn't stopped the fact that I feel like I am living a lie.
     
  5. maybgayguy

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    Well said. It is tough not to feel so disoriented - self-denial can be formidable and it is disorienting when you are no longer in that state as the next steps aren't always obvious.

    Good luck to you.
     
  6. PrairieRachel

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    Sweetie I am still hiding at 60. I not only hide to not totally rock the life of sick family members but as a woman I still have to hide in this guys body! Top it off I'm a lesbian! Now how's that for a perfectly screwed up deal, can see it now....people I am transgender, oh by the way the transgender woman is gay! Lol..what a dilemma.

    You ever want to chat dear, don't hold back. Rachel, :slight_smile:
     
  7. Maria1679

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    Prarie Rachel, I completely understand the family aspect. My family refers to anyone in the LGBT community as a pervert, a sexual deviant, a sexual predator all while holding a Bible in their hands. How can I come out to them or anyone? Even my husband has some of the same feelings and his sister is a lesbian and married to her wife for 24 years.

    Thank you for sharing. You're not alone. Keep your chin up, and your head high.
     
  8. PrairieRachel

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    Thanks Maria. I get it on steroids! I mean even bible thumpers aside everyone I know thinks anyone other than straight is a freak. So for now Rachel is buried for a short while longer. I almost feel bad admitting this even to myself but I will out live the only 2 people this would affect and then I live my life!
    No love has a human being than they set their life aside for the good of others? Is it fear or on account we are concerned on the pain and agony our truth would bring to other lives! Lol.who has the more courage and love?
    Thank you for the kind words my sister, there are times I feel so alone and isolated. They are appreciated. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Ninagrrl

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    My family has never been strict on religion but my dad is very set in his ways. He has always been very open with how he feels about what gay is in his mind. He was born in 48 and was the youngest child with siblings 10 and 20 years older then him. He grew up with the mentality that while he doesn't agree that it is a choice to feel what you feel that it is a mental disorder and that the sin isn't in how you feel but how you act. He thinks it should never be acted upon, acknowledged or considered. Avoiding is certainly easier to do but is such a lonely place to exist. I give my dad a certain amount of forgiveness because he doesn't treat people differently for how they live their lives, as long as they aren't his children. I don't think he would disown me but seeing how his health is declining rapidly, I have decided to place the information out in the open as not to hide it from him but allow him the choice to go ahead and ignore that he ever knew the truth. It is likely he has already seen my facebook information and has chosen to pretend he doesn't know. It might not be healthy, but honestly, I'd be surprised if he lasts another year or two. I just don't know if it is worth rocking the boat with him. It helps that we don't live close because then I don't have to go out of my way to come out to him. I think I can handle everyone knowing but to have him acknowledge his disappointment in me is almost too much to think about, let alone experience.

    PrairieRachel I can't imagine how complicated that would be. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with people treating me like I'm having some mid life crisis to just all of a sudden be gay. You have a whole other element that you have to deal with that I wouldn't envy. A lot of people don't understand that although they are more commonly linked then not, gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. One is who you see yourself as and the other is who you see yourself with. They are really opposite sides of the same coin.
     
  10. Maria1679

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    Rachel, if you ever need to talk I'm here to listen and offer encouragement. The same goes for you Ninagrrl
     
  11. PrairieRachel

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    Thanks Maria, the offer goes both ways.
     
  12. FoxSong

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    Hi Ninagrrl,

    I found for myself that whilst I was still living with my husband I found it strangely dysphoric to be seen as still one half of a hetero couple, even though that was no longer the case. That definitely clashed with my realization that I wanted to be with a woman. I don't think it's selfish to want space at this point, you need it to figure out who you are and whether there is anything else you need to think through (issues related to childhood etc). I assume you want to stay nearby for the kids and that's why you're moving with him?

    At any rate, be sure to find some space for yourself in all of this :slight_smile:
     
  13. Ninagrrl

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    Well, we are originally from Maine and 3 years ago we decided to move to Idaho. I had been out here before because my sister relocated to Idaho with her then Army husband and I had wanted to be closer to her. After I told him that I was gay he was just angry and in denial and just useless for a while. I told him it was up to him if he wanted to keep the house we rent or if he wanted to move out. He didn't ask anything for months. He was confused and mean at times but he didn't ask for anything from me other than that I would reconsider just staying with him. Then he asked me if we could move back to the east coast so he would have family to support him. My sister got a divorce and remarried since I move out here and is now moving to West Virginia. There isn't much left here for me so moving to the east coast and especially to an area where I will be more accepted is appealing to me. We intend to attempt to remain a family as much as we can and eventually I hope we will be able to be friends again someday. Everything is just so raw and new for both of us that we are sort of both just fumbling trying to keep upright right now.
     
  14. PrairieRachel

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    Wow Nina, can't even imagine. Here in SD out in the prairie not too many would understand at all. I do go to NJ every couple months and live open there. What a breath of fresh air. Commitments for now, took me this long to get where I am I guess patience and love to go the rest of the way. :slight_smile:
     
  15. arturoenrico

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    So many variations and styles! I always, always knew but never accepted it even when I lived out of the closet for 10 years before I got married. As a married man, I still truly believed I was gay but could hide as a heterosexual. Then I decided I couldn't hide what I always knew about myself. But at 58, I know who I am but don't accept it in the sense that I don't want to be this way but that is really tough on me, as it wasn't my choice.
     
  16. Wildside

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    Has anyone ever commented on your facebook page preference? I've got the same thing on my facebook page (indicating that I am interested in men, in my case), but nobody has ever commented to me about it, or asked me if it was a mistake. I have also liked and follow a lot of gay pages on facebook, but I don't know how much of that others see.
     
  17. Damien

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    Hi ninagrrl,

    I'm 46, bisexual, and until about a year ago, didn't know it. It took me longer than it has for you, to come out of denial and accept (in my case) that I was also attracted to the same sex as myself. I'm still struggling with this, although in the last few days it's gotten a bit easier. I hate the ups and downs, the way that this journey isn't smooth or orderly in my case. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one who has take a few years to figure this out.

    Andy.
     
  18. Ninagrrl

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    I will reply more later, just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your responses. I thought I was crazy when it first hit me. Everyone that I have ever met that was gay, in the closet or not, they just knew. That's how I was so *sure* I was straight because I was so unsure about how I felt about women. I develop crushes on guys but sexually they do nothing for me. I have never made a move on any women I have had crushes on, I would run. Then I would sleep with women I wasn't attracted to. The sex was okay, nothing great but that response is better than feeling nothing. I guess I was waiting for the 'I know' feeling but it never came because I never have really given any real connection to a woman happen. I'm ready now and don't want to wait even though I have to for this separation to go as smoothly as possible.
     
  19. CyclingFan

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    I changed mine too, with zero comment. I don't think its in a place that gets seen a lot
     
  20. Ninagrrl

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    No one has commented on mine either.