I have no idea what is going on.. What do you think about this situation?

My best friend and I have an amazing friendship. We met in high school lost touch and reconnected five years ago. We have been inseparable ever since. We always said that we will be eachothers maid of honor. We are both women in our late 20’s, and we both consider ourselves straight. I have only had relationships with guys. I have never been interested romantically or pictured myself in a relationship with a girl. My best friend experimented one night with a girl. It was a one time thing in which they made out and there was some touching. She has never been in a relationship with a girl either. My best is a serial dater. She always has a boyfriend. She's never single or likes to be single.

Three years ago we took a beach trip. We had a few drinks and she kissed me. It was just a pop kiss. It caught me by surprise but I enjoyed it. Later on that day after drinking some more, we kissed and fooled around a little. We never spoke about it at the time. Instead we chose to blame it on the alcohol and act like we didn’t remember. .

About a month ago we were at a bar celebrating our friend’s birthday. We drank a lot that night and in the middle of the party we had a serious conversation. For a while I had been feeling that my best friend was upset at me. So I was trying to find out if something was wrong. After a while my best friend told me that I don’t feel the same way she does for me. I thought she meant that I didn't consider her my best friend. But then she brought up the beach trip and said that we never spoke about what happened between us and acted like we didn't remember. She said that I didn’t seem interested. She also mentioned that she has been trying for two years with me. One thing led to another and we ended up hooking up that night.

The following day we never spoke about it. I was a mix of emotions. My best friend texted me saying that she was never drinking again, (which we always say after a night of heavy drinking) and that she didn’t remember the night. This confused me even more. I had no idea what she felt. Was it the alcohol talking that night or does she really like me?

A week or two later, we went out with friends to an event. We had a few drinks. At one point we separated from our group of friends and bought a drink. This time I was the one who initiated a kiss, which was very surprising for me because she is usually the one to initiate anything that has happened between us. And also because we were not alone. Our friends were not around but random people were. We were in public. She held back a little at first, then she pop kissed me and then we ended up kissing. I think she was scared that our friends might see us. Later that night we spoke briefly about hooking up. I don't remember exactly what I said but she responded that she was getting turned on. We couldn’t really talk because all of our friends were around. I remember that I was very casual, I made it seem as all of this was casual, cool, not a big deal. She did too. She said something along the lines “this will be for fun.” I agreed. We also agreed to keep it our secret. We didn’t end up hooking up that night. We weren't planning to bc again we weren't alone. The following day we never had a conversation about any of this. We never mentioned it at all.

The following week, I went to Vegas with friends for a weekend. We hadn’t spoken since I got back. No text. Nothing. I know she gets jealous when I hang out with other friends and sometimes she stops talking to me. I usually text when this happens but this time I didn't. I was afraid that she felt weird and uncomfortable by me. I saw her on Friday at our friend’s party. I was a bit distant at first. I avoided her as much as I could even though I really wanted to be with her. I didn’t know how to act because I am unsure of what is going through her mind. I don't know what she's thinking or what she's feeling. At the end of the night she told me she missed me and pop kissed me. I was so happy! I told her that I wanted to hang out. She responded to text her. I agreed that I would. -- which I haven't. Well I have twice but it's been super short. We don't have conversations through text anymore like we used too. She doesn't text me. I don't text her. We only text on our group chat with mutual friends.

I don’t know what to think. I'm very confused. Does she like me? Or does she just want to hookup with me? I don’t know what I’m feeling. This has never happen to me before. I think about her all the time now. I find myself wanting to spend more time with her. And at the same time I feel like such an idiot because I've gone all silent. I'm awkward now. I don't know how to act. I want to spend time with her but I'm too afraid to ask her to hang out (I have a fear of rejection). I don't even text much. I've truly gone stupid. I have never felt this way for another girl.

It's a bad situation. She has a boyfriend. They have been together for a year and also live together. As a matter of fact he was there at the party when she pop kissed me. I don't think he saw us because he was in a different area with his friends. I'm hoping he didn't see us. At the end of the day I know she will choose him over me if she ever had to make that choice. If anyone is going to get hurt that person is me. Why did she even tell me that she has some sort of feelings for me? Why bring it up now and not before? I don't get it.

Has anyone experienced a situation similar to this? Any advice, thoughts, comments are welcomed since I don’t have anyone to talk to about my situation. No one knows what's going on. I feel trapped and decided to join empty closets. Thank you for listening and reading this super long post.