When I first came out, I starting hearing about The Gay Scene. I was confused for quite some time as to what really The Gay Scene represents. Is it a bar to go to and have a pint with other like minded guys? Is it going to a club to dance the night away? Is it a mystical pot of gold at the end of a rainbow fuelled by narcotics, alcohol and sex? For the past two years, I read every gay magazine I could get my hands on, explored forums and web sites, went to a few bars, clubs and gay hotels; and downloaded a social app here or there. I so badly wanted to understand what made up The Gay Scene, and figure out what my place, if any was in it. Looking back on the past two years, at least for me, I consider myself fortunate. While I "dipped my toe" in it here and there, I never truly jumped all the way in. Along the way I found an amazing boyfriend for which we are celebrating our one year anniversary this weekend; and, coincidentally at the same time, my two year anniversary of when I came out to myself. I did make a few bad turns and decisions no doubt as we all do; but I strike those down to necessary experience and learning more about myself than The Gay Scene. I know there are many people who embrace The Gay Scene, see positive social attributes asociated with being a part of the community, and I completely respect that. But for me, looking back over the past two years and the journey I have been on, I am glad and know how fortunate I am that I find myself at a place of contentment. Recognising that The Gay Scene actually is not for me, with the joy of waking up with my partner in my arms every morning.
Bravo. Well said. I have seen LGBT harmed by the hedonism promoted by the "scene". I have a boyhood friend now HIV psitive, over 800 partners, mentally ill, and living in a shelter since he dived into what he thought "gay" meant in his 40's. It is both sad and a lesson to me. Thank you for posting.
Yeah, congrats you have what you want. I have no clue what the gay scene is either, but then, what's the straight scene? I've got so many hobbies and things I like beyond my sexuality. I was thrilled a week or so ago to actually find another gear head into hot rods (the car kind you perverts... ) but I'd be just as thrilled to make a straight friend into cars, off-roading, or anything I like doing. Oh, I signed up to do a Pride Bowl with a new friend of mine. So, that should be fun, and part of the "scene."
That's awesome that you have come to a place of contentment. My experience of the gay community--and I say "community" rather than "scene" not because I think I'm talking about something different than you are but because to me calling it the "scene" strikes me in pretty much exactly the same way that calling being gay a "lifestyle" does--has, of course, been totally different. I've been pretty thoroughly enmeshed in the gay community for over twenty years--and I have to say that I have found it to be wonderful, supportive, accepting and not at all the hedonistic pit that you feel you escaped. I've been with my partner for almost eighteen years and we are still pretty thoroughly involved in the community together. We don't do drugs. Well, once I took a Valium that wasn't prescribed to me--on the anniversary of my Mother's death one of my "bar friends" showed up on our doorstep with a homemade meal for the two of us, a bottle of wine and a Valium for me "just in case." I took it and I was kinda grateful. We don't drink much--an occasional glass of wine with dinner, maybe one or two too many mimosas over brunch, one gin and tonic when we go out, unless there's going to be dancing then I have one Jack and Coke. There has been a lot of dancing--and I suppose there are people out there that object to that (I don't think I know any). And neither my partner nor I came to our relationship as virgins. But there weren't any drunken, let alone drug-fueled, orgies--just nice evenings with nice guys pretty much all of whom we look back on fondly. What the "scene," if we are going to call it that, has been for me: people to dance with, laugh with, cry with; people to toast life's successes with, people to share a pint of Haagen Dazs with when life didn't exactly bring success; lots of brunch and trips to the beach and an occasional amusement park; someone to bring me homemade chicken soup when they found out I had a cold; some of the most lavish cocktail parties you can imagine; people to play bridge with; people to discuss literature with (I lead a gay book group for a couple years); people to volunteer with and lobby with; people to look out for me and people for me to look out for in return. Oh and my partner of almost eighteen years (our anniversary is next month)--even in the most reductionist notion of what constitutes the scene you'd have to say I found him there: we met in a gay bar. The gay community has truly been one of the greatest gifts in my life.
Your points are spot on separating "scene" from "community". I probably should have thought through and expressed that a bit more but agree with how you have articulated it. In the past two years, I have gotten involved in the community- charities, community groups, social clubs etc, and find it to be extrememely rewarding; and is also where I have expanded my social circle. Indeed, I find personal comfort and satisfaction involving myself in the LGBT community. Thanks for clarifying!
The "scene", despite my recent forays into the dating pool, is not my cup of tea. The community keeps me busy enough there's the RGMC, the Cards Against Humanities Boys, the book club, church, the cooking group, and occasionally and outing with the Empire Bears. Anything more would put me over the edge. Oh, there's still time for the occasional drink at one of the pubs. Good friends trump "good times".
I'm not sure I really buy the distinction between the "scene" and the "community" and I actually wasn't trying to separate groups of people linguistically I was distinguishing the way the same people are being characterized. The fact of the matter is that while I have been involved in all sorts of "non-scene" community activities my nearest, dearest and most long-standing gay friends (including my partner) are from my involvement in exactly what you term the "scene." They're not from church or book group or whatever, although those were awesome too--they actually are from the bars and clubs. To each their own I suppose...
OGS, that goes to my specific comment in my original post: "I know there are many people who embrace The Gay Scene, see positive social attributes asociated with being a part of the community, and I completely respect that." It's great to hear positive stories like yours in this regard.
I'm so ignorant of the "scene" or "community". I wouldn't have a clue on what advice to give if someone asked me for it. Also, I wouldn't be able to tell a straight person from a gay one unless it was glaringly obvious. I do know two gay guys but that's about it.
I am curious, if you don't mind me asking, why is that? I recently met someone whom told me a similar thing, and I was trying to understand why it was, and for him, he seemed to want it that way.
Of course I don't mind. It's simply because I haven't had any contact with the scene or community at all. I haven't put my orientation down, and that's because I still don't know what it is. I fit into no lable that I've seen or read about, and as a result, I've not had any contact with anyone similar. I did know a group of gay girls (I use the term "gay" as that was what they said they wanted to be labeled), but I only know two gay guys through a friend.
So lovely to follow this positive and balanced thread about the gay scene, community or whatever you want to call it or them. As a newly out (4 years) older gay man its all been a bit of a puzzle to me too. But in the end each to their own. All we can be is open and authentic and like what we like and respect others who do it differently. The gay 'community' is as diverse as the human community and we will find our allies or friends or lovers if we open our hearts and just go out there and talk and explore and listen and ask…
