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Deja vu all over again

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by arturoenrico, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. arturoenrico

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    My son turned 19 this week (my baby) and as he is home from college for spring break, he wanted to have friends over to the "house" which is where I don't live anymore. Although he will come over to my place, it's too small for him to bring over the whole crew. In the not so distant past, our house was a hub for my daughter and her friends as well as my son. We were always willing to have hordes of teenagers to our house for parties. Since it's my hobby, I always cooked. So my son wanted me to make dinner for himself and 10 friends at the house; my wife (not yet ex) and I are on good terms. She was agreeable. So, I came over and made this big dinner for my son and his friends. My wife and I did everything together, like the old days. This was both fun and gratifying for me as well as extremely odd, perhaps surreal. All the kids were clowning around and laughing while my wife and bustled about feeding and cleaning up. We were always a good team in that way. When we were together we entertained often; the house was never empty. So I am glad we were able to do this, as it made my boy happy but really it is so confusing and sad. I know this is a big "except" but my wife and I are perfect together "except" the bedroom. It really all comes down to that. So I spent last night thinking I was in the past as we were busying ourselves to get food on the table. I guess we all pretended that everything was normal. In a way, it is so much easier to have a good relationship with my wife but maybe it makes it harder to move on as I don't really want to move on.

    I know my wife is sad and lonely as I am. She has always had bad relationships with her family, who treat her like shit, particularly her older brother. Well, her brother is also going through a divorce, an ugly one since he cheated and since they are really rich (wealth makes divorce ugly, I decided). So my brother-in-law had been leaning on my wife for advice and commiseration, etc. I had warned her not to trust him as he has always hurt her over the more than 25 years I know the family. She didn't heed me and they were spending time together and she asked him for a favor about something and once again, he turned his back on her. This she told me and I felt sad because I was her buffer against the hurt her family put on her.

    Well I thought writing this would help clarify everything but I am now even more confused.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Sounds like you are on good terms with her and your family, so why not embrace it? You say déjà Vu, but maybe it's the new normal. As you said, everything else seemed to work except for the bedroom, then focus on what works and enjoy the time together.
     
  3. Weston

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    I agree with OnTheHighway. I am in similar situation, except that I have not yet moved out of the family home. I recently had foot surgery, which necessitated my moving to a bedroom on the ground floor. My wife would like me to move back to the conjugal bedroom after I'm healed, but I'm hesitant — it would be a step backward in my mind, and I need to feel like I'm moving forward. It's my intention to move out of the house to live as an independent gay man, even though I know there'll be much loneliness for both of us. I can't see that we'll ever not be special to each other, whatever new relationships may come our way.
     
  4. Monraffe

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    That is sad. But keep in mind, moments are moments and marriages and families are institutions. They don't always align objectively, so don't stress the former with the latter. Moments are all you have with her and your kids now and perhaps, in a strange way, it's for the best.
     
  5. Horizon55

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    Arturoenrico,
    Being still on the inside of the closet mostly still (particularly with my wife)... you are describing many of the things I'm so sad about losing. Like you, my wife and I are a great team when we entertain.. we had 10 for dinner Friday night, a theme dinner... lots of wine, great food, lots of great laughter among our couple friends (5 couples!)...and my wife and I host really well.. cooking, preparing, serving and looking after great friends during a meal. I'm so sad that all of that will go... we do the same with family events big and small and I anticipate it will not happen even in the form you had at your son's birthday.
    The loss of these truly fun times, among other things, stop me from stepping in to what I anticipate will be a much lonelier life as a gay 59 year old man.
    But, at the same time... I have come to feel the other parts of our relationship are just not there leading me to believe that a lonely life might be better authentically lived than a life with friends and a wife who love me for who I am not.
    Then again, maybe I will be set free to create new friendships and relationships and all this 'fear' of loneliness is nothing but a 'thought'. And as my therapist reminds me, 'just a thought' not reality.

    The fact you could hold this birthday gathering as a family gives me some hope... that at least it can happen for some things... particularly my kids.

    Be grateful for them and that joy.
     
  6. arturoenrico

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    We work very, very hard not to have animosity. It involves letting a lot of things go like when my wife decided she would keep my car for herself and give me the car I hate.

    Anyway, my wife and I started as best friends, who had a deep trusting relationship; I am trying to get back to that place. She has been my best friend for 25 years.
     
  7. kindy14

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    Different story here, out of marriage where my wife was NOT my best friend for 21 years. I never had a BEST friend who I could open myself completely too...

    So, I accepted being bisexual and not wanting to be monogamous. I fell so hard for the boy I was trying to help, fell so hard in love with him (or so I thought.)

    Anyway, when I finally accepted the end of that relationship, I found that the old empty feeling I always had. That one where there's no one filling in your life. That's gone now.

    I love myself, and I don't need anyone to be fulfilled as a person. Once, I accepted that, I've been getting hit on left and right on the hookup sites. And people in my life, people I meet (like the hot 18yo driving the Saturn Redline,) notice me more now. (or maybe I'm just noticing them noticing me more now...)

    Could be the smile on my face, and a new found chipper demeanor. I'd like to believe people are reacting to my authentic self now.

    As far as your wife, be friends, be empathetic, but don't kid yourself.
     
  8. tscott

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    This is the new normal. Embrace it. Your situation is enviable when compared to some here. My ex and I are just getting around to being good friends again. Finances aside...and I've been taken to the cleaners, largely because I have young kids, 11 and 17, and large white elephant of a house. I look forward to the family time. And you should as well