I wanted to get input from people who/were married to a straight spouse. What were the reasons the straight spouse gave for wanting to stay married to a gay spouse when they knew deep down that they would never get 100% from them, at least not sexually? I am just trying to understand the rationale, Thanks
The marriage itself, apart from the sex, or even affection, has an intrinsic value on its own. We're talking certain privileges that come with it: respectability, family support, financial aspects and benefits, etc. Add in a concern about what others will think, the costs of divorce, the complications with children and all of this starts to add up... Given what there is to lose, I am not surprised in the least that many spouses will choose to look the other way. No one likes to admit they've made a major mistake, it is gut-wrenching and many do not feel strong enough to deal with it. People often do the wrong thing precisely because they feel they are weaker than they actually are.
Very well said. I'd also add that change for most is scary. It is often easier for many to go on in a less than ideal situation rather than explore the one known.
Before our separation, we certainly had the discussion. Two years on, my ex is progressing with her life and adjusting well, and we have a good relationship now, with us having decided a separation was best. It was very much a rational and objective decision process.
Not sure I can really answer this that great because I have added extra dimensions to this that make it even more complicated for me. I develop romantic attachments to men, and likewise I developed love and affection for my SO. We weren't married but have been living together for nearly 7 years with 2 children so other than having to go through the divorce, we have most of the dynamics of a married couple. Sexually, though, my orientation is 100% gay so that means the biggest problem in our relationship was that I was unfulfilled sexually and didn't want a sexual relationship at all with my SO yet my libido hadn't died down in general, just had no desire for him. I tried ignoring it for about 3 years of our relationship but I just couldn't do it anymore. His reasoning for staying together is that to him, sex in a relationship isn't that important and he tries to justify that being with him without sexual fulfillment would be better to have than being completely alone and never find someone who fits my very narrow view of sexual compatibility which would lead to a lonely life without sexual fulfillment. However, I need both sexual and romantic to be 100% in sync with one person in order to feel like I am being myself and who I was meant to be.
We continue to interact sexually just as we always did, so there was no point in changing anything. I describe myself as gay, referring to my orientation; orientation is not behavior, and behavior is what is important to her, and the fact that we do care for each other in the other aspects of our life. The only thing that has changed is that she knows that I am attracted to men sexually, but continue to have a straight sexual relationship with her. Some might say "bi" would be a better description of me, but I have no strong sexual attraction to women in general, so that is not accurate in terms of orientation. Some might say I am straight since I only have sex with a woman, my wife, using behavior as the defining characteristic. I prefer to just say I am ME, and don't try to assign a label to myself except when some blank has to be filled in somewhere, then I make a "best guess" in that context, knowing that whatever I put there will be 50% wrong by some metric.
My wife thought I was gay when we dated in college 25 plus years ago. Thought I was gay when we reconnected 8 years ago. When I asked why she said yes when I asked her to marry me her reply was 'cause I love you'
I agree with all the reasons Great Whale delineated. My wife, however, did not want to stay together so I can't help you from my that perspective. However, I wanted to say together because of wanting to be in my house, live where my kids were living, not have the expenditure of an additional residence, have the "respectability" of the marriage, not be gossiped about in town, continue to live in the role I was comfortable in. And, I didn't want to be alone and isolated
