The Biggest Secret

For me it became a matter of just being sick and tired of carrying the secret. I am not out to everyone as bisexual, but I am to my wife and BFF. They both are fine with it. It lifted such a weight off my shoulders. Do you feel you can trust the person you want to tell? I assume you are not ready to tell everyone which may be part of why you don't want to tell her? Will she keep your secret? Holding onto secrets are never good or healthy. They just eat away at you. Really considered letting this one out. From first-hand experience I can tell you I am so much happier.

 

Keeping a secret so deeply has the actual effect of altering your personality, and after a long while it is a seductive kind of comfort to just stay as you are. I suspect, however, that what you are truly afraid of is discovering yourself as you are, what is scary is the vulnerability that this will demand of you. Freedom to be oneself is indeed a scary thing, it means letting go of who you are pretending to be...but life isn't worth living without being true to yourself.

It's just that on your side of your secret, it is almost impossible to imagine what that freedom is like; until you take that very necessary step, coming out, you cannot know just how amazing it is to be openly yourself.

Acting on this will only happen when you realize that maintaining the status quo, i.e. keeping that secret, becomes more and more oppressive. I suspect that this is indeed what you are feeling right now, which is why you are asking...correct?

 

I have not learned to let the secret go. Many of the people in my life don't know. Not one soul in my work environment knows. No one in my family knows (except my wife and kids); my wife's family mostly knows.

Unfortunately, I feel no freedom at all in having come out to my wife, some friends and my kids. I feel more trapped and unhappy than ever. I keep on being told it will be liberating for me but that hasn't happened.

 

Like the fat person who looses weight only to have a problem with identity, is more comfortable with their old person, and thus still sees themselves as fat. Letting go is often painful, but ultimately it is such an unburdening. Good luck with your decisions.

 

for me, it was the realization/knowledge that if i want to move forward with an authentic life i had to let go. ive been bullied most of my childhood/adolescence for nothing, if someone wants to go at me for this, i know ive been through worst. that was my fear, for the most part. i'll hang on to it till the divorce is over so that there won't be any problems with custody of my teen son, after that "let 'er rip...."

 

Arturoenrico, are you still living as man and wife, or as an openly gay man? It sounds as if you're not really out of the closet. You're still keeping the secret from your family and the public at large. Work is not the area I'm concerned about. If asked I'm honest, but I don't advertise. Work is the one place where you personal life is just that, your personal life. Do you even have any gay friends (the ones here don't count)? It's like you've opened the closet door, but haven't stepped out.

 

Wow, thanks greatwhale for taking the time to post such an informative message. Most helpful.

---------- Post added 16th Mar 2015 at 11:44 AM ----------

Loved "looking for me" post. You filed a flight plan and once you land, your going to be positive.

 

Learned from the leader of my coming out group:

You accept yourself when not doing so gets in the way of your life

You come out to people when not telling them gets in the way of your relationship with them.

 

It's most difficult the first time but it does get easier. I think it's because you are about to step over and past the point of no return but someone once gave me some advice and that's that what you need in these situations is just 5 seconds of bravery. It seems scary because you are used everything being that way but I am sure you can do it.

 

tscott, badger started this thread and I don't want to take it up with my concerns. However, not living as man and wife; living on my own; I don't know what openly gay means; if someone asked me my orientation, I would tell them; usually people don't ask. I have little or no contact with my family which is why I tell them nothing. I don't have gay friends but I want them, which seems hard. I don't want to date or hook up or go to bars, etc.

I have told my story before. I was out when I met my wife; she knew that. Then I went back in. Now I'm stuck.

Badger, My favorite quote applies:

We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. - Francois de la Rouchfoucauld

 

My story is probably similar to some others.

First positive step: I finally, finally accepted that I like men, and gave myself permission to like and admire them.

I haven't been married for many years, but I don't think my feelings for men affected the marriage or divorce, because I was suppressing them so hard!

With my current GF of 4 years, I've been wanting to tell her, and started dropping hints. My "married-but-gay" support group suggested that this is the wrong approach, and to make sure that I had a good reason to tell her, and not purely a selfish one (Which it was . . mostly!) I was determined to tell her before I became involved with a man, because I could not live with the guilt, personally, she is my best friend, and we have had a deal with each other - basically a monogamous relationship.

After about three months of agonizing about how to tell her, I started a conversation, and don't even remember what direction it was going in, when she asked me if I was bisexual. Phew! That began a very important conversation which included her accepting my feelings (Why did it take ME so long to accept them?), and she decided that if I wanted to share any details in the future, she would leave that up to me.

Now we can joke about it, and we are closer than ever. I won't leave her, nor do I feel the need. My friend, married and gay for many years, is out to his wife. I don't dwell on it much anymore, and have just tried to get on with my life.

 

Hi,

What you may not realize is the "secret" may only exist in your mind and once out you will find the only one deceived was yourself.

This can be a let down if you expect shock.

Tom