Help wanted please. Confusion with online dating...Need input and new strategy thanks

So I came out as questioning to several friends and all have been supportive which recently led me to try to do something about it and get into gay online dating. Met another girl online recently who was in the same place with regards to questioning we hit it off, booked a date for a month later I felt butterflies and it felt so natural. We talked about kissing and fooling around and eventually being exclusive if our first couple dates worked out. It just flowed. I felt like a little school girl. We had pet names. Texted everyday (I barely text anyone so it says a lot). Spoke on the phone.

Call it infatuation or u-hauling but we were cute.

Needless to say eventually talking about her life style, I found out she was still dealing with more internalized homophobia than I thought. Let's just say it she didn't have healthy coping mechanisms. For the first time in my life it felt like I was looking in a mirror and I realized how self-destructive I had been years prior. I talked to her about it, saying I wanted us to be both healthy for ourselves so we can be the best for each other. Maybe it was patronizing but I just couldn't deal with seeing her hurting herself, like I had years prior over guilt and be an enabler.

Needless to say we never made it to the date, as she just sent me a messaged saying she thought we were in different places. I was crushed. I don't know if I was just scared of falling in love with boys but the kind of emotional intimacy I had with that girl even in that short time just never happened with my guy exes. Mind you I had been questioning for a while and a big secret can break relationships fast.

I used to also have this thing when I was younger when I'd get scared I found particular females attractive in situations, causing me to throw myself onto guys and flirt double time. Other times I'm just naturally a big flirt and start to think maybe I disclosed guys too quick, think I might be into said guys, feel lusty. However I always seem to think it will crash and burn quick like it has previously. Flirting is fun and its nice to be desired you know? I don’t know if that’s real attraction to guys or not.

I can fantasize about guys physically but its more fleeting than fantasies about girls. The weird thing is that when I do fantasize about guys, even if only for a split second it can be more intense than about women. It's weird I don't know how to describe it. Maybe I don't have enough imagination with women. The problem is that whenever I'm intimate with guys in real life I feel so vulnerable it crosses on feeling violated. It's like dang... you're hard... great *sarcasm* we’re actually doing this? Robotic. I did care for these men. Sorry for being crude but maybe I go through the motions with guys too quickly?

I can honestly say women had always been the ones to hold my little heart and break it harder/quicker than any man, even though I've never actually had a f/f relationship. I just get so infatuated, want to take random women out for coffee dates, think their amazingly pretty, and just want to be all romantic, like puppy love. Maybe I’m actually confusing a need for female friendships? Anyway I never really had that with guys I dated it always felt very FWB at most, not quite romantic, more platonic.

I just don't know about the physical aspect with girls. I've wanted to kiss a lot of girls, hold them, cuddle, the whole shebang, I don't know about the rest. Sure I fantasize about being physical but maybe I'm just forcing myself? It's not super intense but it's like I think if I would be with a woman, it'd be more like making love than just having sex because of my intense emotional attraction if anything. I wouldn't mind making a life with a girl either if I was sure about the physical stuff. I would have never admitted that had you asked me years ago so maybe that's a start?

All I know is that I feel like a horrible person and don't ever want to feel bad about possibly being gay ever again. I don't even know what 'side' to try and date. I need a new strategy. I don't want to get with a guy and be like "sorry I'm leaving you for a woman" just like I don't want to start getting intimate with a woman only to be like "sorry I think you're great friend-wise but I'm straight afterall". Catch 22.

I have ethics, morals. I don’t want to lead anyone on. I don’t want to settle for someone just because it’s convenient, and I definitely don’t ever want to be in a relationship out of codependency either. It wouldn’t be fair to any party. I still kick myself over confronting that girl and breaking it before anything happened but I know I’m not responsible for peoples happiness. I felt something for her. Friendliness, puppy love, protectiveness, pity, I just don't know what anymore. I'm definitely horrible at reading my emotions.

What the heck do I do? What am I?