Hi, I just recently turned 29 and feel like time has passed so quickly. I never told anyone that I'm gay. I'm in my late twenties and have never been kissed or held hands much less lost my virginity. The most experience I've ever had is playing footsies with a boy I had a crush in the 8th grade, but never went anything beyond that. In college I stayed home went to the local university for my family and never had a chance to experience dating or fooling around. Now at this age I feel so alone, a fear has swept into me that I'm going to be alone forever. I want to come out, my fear isn't other people accepting me, it's mom. She's the only family I have I lost grandmother six years ago and brother is doing his own thing. I've seen her reaction when they show same sex couples kissing or holding hands. I think in time she could comedy to accept me but she has had a lot of disapointment with my brother and his life decisions. I don't ever want her to feel that way about me. It's never been this bad, this feeling of missing out or fear of ending up absolutely alone. I feel like everyone is out and finding love and progressing. I barley joined apps l I ke ****** and guyspy but find that most are either to young or guys my age are just looking for sex. I want to date, go to the movies or bowling. Go hiking of away for a weekend, not just some random hook up. The reason I waited I waited in the romance was and still is because I want to be in love. How do I tell my mom?
Hey there -- you're not alone! I'm ten years older than you and still in the process of figuring this out. I've told maybe a total of twelve friends so far, but not my parents yet. They are out of state and I rarely see them, so I'm struggling with figuring out how best to do that. From what I've read elsewhere on this board, my parents are probably going to need time to "grieve" the loss of whatever preconceived notions they have regarding gaining a daughter-in-law and grandchildren and whatever else. So I fully expect it's going to be a process. I know I can't control my parents' feelings and reactions, all I can do is be honest and patient and hope for the best. Outside of parents, it has really been a huge surprise how supportive my friends have been. Even my fratty "straight guy" friends who I expected to be stand-offish have turned out to be surprisingly accepting. I think my friends accept it more than I initially accepted it for myself-- the unanimous response has been "I'm glad you are on track to be happy!" Regarding dating -- you're not washed up and going to spend the rest of your life alone. In the past two months, since gaining the courage to put a face pic out there and going "all in" with dating, I have been on a handful of first and second dates, and the most recent guy I am really into. He's 35, smart, cute, and totally into me in return! Are we "in love?" Nah, probably just infatuated. (Can you tell I'm some hyper-rational computer guy?) I feel like I'm 39 going on 16 and have no idea what these feelings mean. But it is pretty cool to have butterflies in my stomach and melt every time he smiles at me, or to lay on the couch watching TV while he rests his head in the crook of my neck. Anyway, don't panic. Life is not a Lifetime movie-- I hope you don't feel like your "first love" needs to follow some awesome script of perfect courtship and dating and ending in fantastic sex. Just like yourself, be authentic, and meet people (be that sites, apps, social endeavors, etc.), and eventually things will fall into place.
You just sit down with her and tell her. Tell her that the reason you don't have a girl friend is that you are not attracted to girls, and that you are more comfortable around other guys. That you have been embarrassed to tell her about this, but that you have always felt this way. That you are terribly lonely, because you have been abstaining from going out and meeting other men, out of concern for her and how she might feel about it. But that you have finally realized that you cannot defer living your life with someone who cares about you and will care for you until she passes away, just to keep this secret from her. That you love her but cannot live your life only for her, and that you hope that she will accept you for who you were born to be, and whoever you eventually fall in love with as her son-in-law, and treat him with respect and love, just as you will. If she has somehow remained clueless to the fact that you are gay this long, she will have to finally adjust to reality, but I suspect she has some idea already; mothers usually do; if not, you have been open and honest with her about yourself, so the rest is up to her.
Don't worry, we are here! I felt the same throughout the last couple of months... I couldn't make the line between reality and fiction, I think I lost the sense of being alive, I was THAT depressed... I realize it now that it was stupid for me to torture myself the way I did! I am laughing writing this... Because only a month ago I couldn't even imagine telling anyone, until I did, and now it is funny... They don't care really, they support me and love me all the same... My parents really don't know about my struggle, but I am coming in terms with the fact that I am a separate being and that they are their own thing. You shouldn't base your life on your mum's expectations, do you understand me? You can't! Her decisions have brought her to this point, and it is not your fault that she is living the life she is... You have to do what you think it is best for you... Don't worry, everything is OK, just breath and do what you think it is the best, you are your own thing! I hope I don't sound superficial, and I would gladly hear you out privately if you want to. Just PM me, OK?
Before doing anything, you need to do a little work on yourself, not much, but there is a real need for you to become your own man. There is simply no way you can reconcile living your own truth and pleasing everyone, it is like believing six impossible things before breakfast (to quote Alice in Wonderland). Our society prolongs childhood to years beyond what is reasonable. Remember that you are an adult and there is very little (if anything) your mother needs to approve of. Yes, your brother may have been a disappointment to her, but this is not your problem, this is not something you have any control over. Part of what will be a process of individuation for you, that is, your need to become yourself, is to come out to her. Say it simply and calmly, generally saying you are gay in the first sentence gets it out of the way, just a few seconds of courage, and the rest will follow. Who knows, she may even respect you a little more for daring to do this; I can guarantee that you will respect yourself a LOT more after it is done. As for finding relationships, well, hookups happen and, if done safely, can be valuable learning experiences; moreover they sometimes lead to longer-term arrangements. It is a matter of judgment as to whom you decide to date, but date you must, and you need to see a lot of people before you find someone suitable and worthy of your love.
Hey guy, nothing to be ashamed of. Some of us, ME, don't figure themselves out till much later in life. I have felt more alive, happy, and vibrant since coming out then in my previous existence. Listen to GW, he's a fount of knowledge and listening to his advice (whether directed at me or not) has helped me a great deal, with both coming out and relationships. You've got friends here now, you'll always find good advice, and shoulders to cry on if that's what you need.
bookworm1986 - Your story could very well have been mine! I too had to live at home in order to attend college (couldn't afford to live on my own when working a near-minimum-wage job in a pricey college town). As such I feel like my adolescence was extended into my mid-20s. The feeling that everyone else was growing up and finding love was the crisis that finally pushed me to accept that I am gay. Though I have to say, the social isolation and internal repression made for an awkward couple of years while I adjusted to new ideas and getting to know gay guys as friends. Even though I'm older than you are, I am still working through some of the issues caused by this prolonged adolescence, including a need for further individuation from my mom. I still haven't come out to her (and NEVER plan to) even though my lack of dating/relationships with the opposite sex would be a BIG red (or is it rainbow?) flag to most. I think the location-based apps are oriented more toward hookups / one-night stands than relationships. If you're looking for dating, romance, etc. you might try a Web site that's oriented toward personals/dating and include things in your profile about what you're looking for. That said, my first dating and sexual experiences (at about age 29-30) weren't the idealized fireworks show you see in the movies. There were some awkward moments and missteps. And I learned that putting pressure on the situation - whether for "sexual performance" or an ideal relationship - tends to cause things NOT to work. So it's all fine and well to want dating and romance, but don't expect to find "husband material" on the first date.
In terms of meeting people, you might check out Meetup.com in your area. Depending on the local population, you may find LGBT groups that do everything from hiking to board games. You could also locate your local LGBT community center and either partake of any programs that interest you or volunteer there. You could also look into LGBT sports teams. Many of the larger cities have LGBT softball, flag football, or rugby teams. But really just about any sport you can think of has an LGBT league and teams of some kind. The trick is finding one in your area that you like. Beyond these, and if you are of a religious/spiritual persuasion, there are various LGBT friendly denominations, including the Episicople Church and the Unitarian Universalists. You might join a congregation and/or volunteer. Finally, the more liberal political groups are pretty consistently LGBT friendly. You might volunteer with one or more of them. Using one or more of the above options you can increase your contact with LGBT people, including making friends (who themselves may have LGBT friends) and possibly meeting someone who becomes more than a friend. Hope this helps, Todd
I can't explain how much your words mean to me, that I'm not alone and there is still hope. I honestly did not expect a response but I am humbled and overjoyed that I can voice my fears, hopes and dreams and not be judged. I hope I didn't sound like a total absolute ingrate, I do love my mom and am grateful for everything she done for me. I just want a chance to find someone, somebody to love.
I can relate as I am the youngest in my family and the first one to do everything "right" - I never got in trouble, I got good grades, I finished college on time, everybody loves me. Like you I feel like I would disappoint everyone by stepping outside their vision for me. The advice in here is on point. It's hard to do at times, but you really have to be your own person and live for yourself. Your mother will always love you, even if it doesn't seem that way. She'll have to adjust to this new, authentic image of you and grieve the loss of the old one.
Most of us I think have been where you are at one point or another, about much the same stuff. I'm 50 and I've got a hot young hunk who likes my company. I know at the moment the feelings I have is the rush of new love. The chemical/biological reaction. I'm giddy to the point my boyfriend told me I had "gay eyes" when I was gazing into his eyes on the couch. The people I care about most know all about me, my orientation, my preferences, and as much detail about all that as they can stand. I was going to get a tattoo that said "No Fear" but that's all changing now. "Don't Fear the Reaper" is the candidate now. I'm starting to boldly embrace who I am, and finding myself with a bevy of opportunities. ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2015 at 01:11 PM ---------- Same here, I became a quiet people pleaser very young in life for some reason. :tears:
