A dream or a heartache

Hi all,

I just registered at the forum. I am 32, female, and just coming to terms with being most likely lesbian. I'm in a relationship since 10 years with a man, who is an amazing person and my best friend.

I always, always knew there was "something". I just didn't look directly at it. I wouldn't do it, I couldn't. At this point in my life, circumstances force me to explore my identity, my personality, the subject of sex and arousal, femininity and masculinity. These things always interested me, but it's as if I never knew how to handle them, how to look at them.

I find I'm attracted to women and it doesn't go away. It's getting stronger, and my attraction to men and particularly my boyfriend is getting weaker. I freeze when he touches me. He loves me so much and wants the best for me. He wants me to be honest and to share my inner life with him. Since childhood I've been a "hiding" sort of person. Shy, reserved, always protecting myself. I've always wanted to share everything with my boyfriend, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I began to conclude I was flawed. He'd sometimes call me egocentric, etc. For years I've felt that I don't live up to who I should be as a girlfriend. That I'm neurotic, cold and selfish.

I never opened this door before. At 16 I labeled myself bisexual but went on to live a straight life. I always acknowledged my attraction to and appreciation of women. I prefer the company of women, I find them so beautiful, smart, sexy and wondrous. I notice women everywhere. I realized that since my teens, whenever I see a straight couple kissing, I'm always looking at the woman. I thought I was identifying with her or some such thing.

Inside myself I'm on a roller coaster. My stomach is churning, solar plexus has a life of it's own, shards of glass, pressure in the chest, waves and pulling, butterflies and fluttering, both pleasant and unpleasant sensations. Every day. Strong. It doesn't stop. It's like a faucet that I can't turn off. I neglect my job and I can't think or plan ahead.

I meet people I know and half recognize them. I half recognize my apartment, I half recognize myself. I've a new set of eyes. I can't go back.

I realize that what I've felt for many of my female friends is love and attraction, because I just find them so beautiful. I realize that the reason I've had a lot of social anxiety, especially around males, and why I've always been embarrassed and uncomfortable talking about sex is because I'm not attracted to men. I don't want their sexual attention, it makes me uncomfortable. Boys and men made me nervous because I thought I had to be available to them, at the same time that I tried being careful not to send them the "I'm interested in you"-signal.

To make matters worse, I discover some dysphoria when it comes to my name. It's too feminine. I always loved androgynous names. It'd feel good to have one. Too good. As a teenager I used to want to live in a fantasy world and pick my own name. I'd invent female characters and give them androgynous names. Then I grew out of it. (No! I didn't!)

I remember my grandma saying the word "androgynous" when I was a child. It was the first time I'd heard it and I immediately thought, "Yes, that's me". I'm uncomfortable in a dress or skirt. Although in an all-female environment, I'd feel different, I think I'd dress that way for women. I love the female shape, and I like the shape of my body. I love masculinity and I love femininity, but I feel I fall somewhere in the category of "neither", or "two-spirit". I can feel both like a man and a woman, or kind of neither/both.

This is not a fun "what if?" game in my mind anymore. It's getting too serious.

My boyfriend reads me like an open book. I feel like there's an explosion in my mouth. I need to talk to somebody. I'm afraid to talk to a friend for loyalty reasons. If I came out to a friend, to ask for help, to get advice, if my boyfriend finds out about it later he could get upset. "Why didn't you talk to me first? We're supposed to be that close!"

All my life I've wanted to please people. Probably because it didn't seem safe to be myself. I'm not a bad person, I'm not naturally egocentric or ill-willed. This is just an invisible world of a secret that has been weighing on me since childhood.

I feel I'm expanding, limitless, at the same time that I feel helpless, slightly insane. I've experienced desire and joy like never before but I'm also in shock. I can't believe this is happening.

I don't know what to do, where to turn. I was never one to ask for help and I could never quite let the right words out at the right time to let people know what was going on with me. I thought something was wrong with me. I concluded that sort of behaviour didn't come easy for me because I was selfishly indulging in worry and always over-analysing, because I had such a huge ego. Right now I feel like I'm giving in to something. I'm being honest in a strange way. It's never felt more natural to ask for help. To just say, "I feel small", and trust that someone will *understand*.

I've read many brave and insightful posts on this forum and it's helped me a lot. Thanks for reading mine, and have a good day.

 

Thanks Eilin, that means a lot to me. How brave of you to end a relationship and change the course of your life. It is a beautiful thing after all - to be able to look at your life a second time, and go "Oh - that makes sense".

I think talking to my boyfriend is the right thing to do, as you say. Maybe he will not be that surprised. I'm afraid he will hurt himself, or me, or never recover from the shock, losing faith in women forever or end up hating himself for not being "enough" - yeah those are my greatest fears. I want him to be happy so much. He is a pessimist, and I was never able to sort of shift him toward optimism. I suppose instead of my greatest fear I can focus on my greatest hope. I hope that perhaps this could mean he would have to restore his faith in life... because he can't rely on me to make him complete and happy. Ugh that sounds awful. At the same time that I want him to feel whole, happy and balanced with or without me!

We'll see how it goes Thanks again Eilin.

 

Good to be reminded my bf isn't the only pessimistic type person out there

Thanks for the tip. He's real good at confusing me though. He's the smartest guy I know... sometimes he'll scrutinize a subject until I barely know what we are talking about anymore. I can imagine a bargaining situation, "What if you tried? You've never really tried to be with me in a real way!" (something he has said several times in the past) or maybe an accusatory situation, "How can you claim this! It's not real! What have you been reading about? This sort of thing doesn't happen! You're confusing yourself with influences that you THINK are valid!" (he doesn't hesitate to question my emotions and opinions)

I nearly told him last night, and ended up crying, but the fear got the best of me and I made a lame excuse instead.

I tend to recover quickly however Let's see what happens next time...