What made you sure?

There are people with tons of experience who never accept that they are gay...experience is not the determining factor.

I think you nailed it actually, it's a kind of comfort, a feeling that this fits and aligns with a lot of things that you begin to see in retrospect. In essence it's not "seeing is believing" (experience), it is closer to the truth that you could not see it until you believed it...and belief comes mostly with the kind of "aha!' moments, where everything seems to click into place.

 

I feel this too, not because 'I lack experience', but because to come out means to me a double work : To get accepted and to kill/erase the image I had, an image I conciously worked on, as hard as I could, so nobody would ever doubt me being a hetero cisgendered *insert wrong gender here*. I wasn't ready back then. I just felt scared, ashamed and cursed, and forced myself to prove I was normal, which had a negative impact on my mental health. I felt trapped back then, and I wasn't ready, but now I am, and that's ok : We have all different personalities. Some like us try to adapt, because it seems easier. We have learned, not wasted any time. Maybe for other stuff we are faster than others :icon_wink

Anyways... I spend time trying to imagine how they'll react, but that diesn't bother me much, they never accepted any of my decissions anyways... And some pf them are homophobes, so you go figure what they'll think about me...

By all means, do! When it comes naturally to you, when it feels good and "just right"... That is the real you. (*hug*)

... And that answers your question, you know... You are sure because it feels right.

Your relationship with women can be a private one, you don't need to prove anything to anyone. Things will have to change, but life is changes... So they better will be your changes, not somebody else's.

It's normal to feel scared and have doubts, specially if you have been repressing your real self, or trying to play a role...It's the beginning of the trip, then later you'll feel more confident, and then there is some fantastic time and experiences ahead. You'll get there, maybe sooner than you think. Take a deep breath... And let go, just let it go... (*hug*)

 

I personally have zero experience with either gender, and I became sure when I read up about straight sex for the first time and my reaction was "That sounds disgusting/repressive". It later developed into me being turned off by kissing and holding hands with men too.

Everyone is different.

 

I have absolutely no experience whatsoever, but I knew because of attraction. I never get nervous around girls some of my BFF in school were the most popular and pretty in the school. Around boys I was a nervous reck, tounge tied and a total klutz. I've never even kissed a boy but I've never had a desire to kiss a girl but guys I thought about it everyday. Knowing does require experience just a sentiment and the knowing of what you feel is valid and worth it. As for the age I can relate to that I'm 29 and feel like a dinosaur so no worries, from other members I've learned that it is process no matter what age.

 

So, I may be seriously showing my age here but are any of you familiar with the Play - Doh toys? O.K. so there was this one where you take the play - doh and you smash it in a square and then you push a lever down and the play doh comes out perfectly as a shape of some sort. But there was always some play doh that came back out of the square. It was rejected, squeezed out, oozing over. My finally accepting, or acknowledging my sexuality, was a similar process. No matter what I tried to "put out" there in terms of straightness and trying to be the right "shape" so to speak, there was always something leaking over the edge reminding me...."Hey, that's not really right." It just would not go away. Ever. I couldn't ignore it anymore. Trust me I tried for about 25 years.
I think the experience thing is a valid point on so many levels. Especially if you're older (like I am). There are so many fronts that you have to mentally break through. Like, where the hell do I even go to meet people? And then, what to do when it comes down to physical matters. I mean...I know what to do, but the whole inexperience thing can be daunting. At least it is for me. Sometimes enough to keep me on the edge of the closet. But then sometimes, I just get really fed up and tired of all of it and just want to jump out and scream "Yeah, I am gay. Move along. Nothing to see here."
Sorry. I think I am rambling, but your comment about final realization and experience made me want to reply.

 

for me, it was once I got comfortable with the fact that I'm gay. I had realized it long before, but wasn't totally comfortable with it for a number of years after. But when I got that point where I could be comfortable with it, and actually be joyful and grateful, it was at that point that I was absolutely sure and never questioned it again.

 

I could have written the same question! I've been lurking here to read other people's answers and hopefully find an answer myself. I wish I could contribute but I thought I could at least say, hey, you're not alone. :3

 

Both you and the OP may want to examine the other things that you are "sure" about in your lives...but then to really screw with your minds, you may not be justified in being so sure about anything, if you really, really think about it.

Here's a quote by the great scientist, Richard P. Feynman, on certainty:

Imagine that, Feynman, a world-class scientist no less, telling us he isn't sure about anything...

 

Storm Inside,
First of all, don't worry about being older & taking longer to "find out," it happens to the best of us, including myself. Sexuality is a complex thing & it's seldom binary. Most people sit somewhere along the spectrum, and it can take some time before you figure out just what it is you want.

As for how I knew, it took me years. I think my attractions may have shifted slightly through my teens & into my 20s, but even as early as 13 I knew I had *some* sort of attraction to guys. It just took me years to figure out how to come to terms with those feelings & what it meant for me.

I think part of the delay was really only knowing gay as being pride festivals and stereotypes, and thinking "none of this is really *me*" It took me years to finally accept that attraction to your own gender does not mean you have to fit anyone else's idea of how a gay person is supposed to act.

As for experience, it's not necessary. A lot of 13 year olds know they're gay without having sex or even kissing. What experience did do for me was cement/validate my feelings.

 

For me, talking with others in similar situations, engaging with members on EC, and living my life as an openly gay man all provided me the foundation and confidence that I made the right decision knowing whom I am.

 

In middle school I started to like boys. I didn't understand any of this, but I learned quick that it wasn't socially acceptable to "like" your guy friends. In high school I already knew what gay was and why nobody wants to be that. I fantasized about classmates yet considered myself straight and compartmentalized my attractions. In college I got very good at avoiding personal questions, lying by omission, and justifying everything as "shy nerd, no experience, too busy" etc. It wasn't until I was years deep into a LTR that I actually considered my sexuality something I have to deal with.

At each one of these stages, I knew. I may not have understood it, liked it, admitted it, or accepted it, but I knew. It was never a choice. A moment came when one random day I looked at myself in the mirror, thought back to all of those times in the past when I had a crush, who my friends were, why they were my friends, my mannerisms, my internal motivations, the porn I watched, my relationship history, past conversations ... it just became simply ridiculous to call myself straight. The house of cards fell and everything just made sense after that. That's when I was sure.

 

I'm going through exactly the same thing. So much is changing at a rapid rate and most of it feels good and right but then the doubts do start to surface, especially when thinking about lack of experience. I can't seem to get it out of my head that I need to "do the deed" with another woman to be absolutely sure. I know I shouldn't think that but I do. But in the end I've chosen not to label myself, accept that my sexuality more fluid than some people and that my realisation that I want to be with women is fine. And the doubts are fine too, it's all just part of it, you just have to trust that it will come good in the end. You just have to take it a step at a time and if it feels right within you then it is It's nice to read that someone is going through what I am and I'm not alone so thank you

 

Well, I'm not 'experienced' in the slightest, but I have a great deal of confidence identifying as a lesbian. I guess a lot of it comes from reading and hearing lesbians' stories of self discovery, which I can relate to very much. When I started to have a greater understanding of the community, I found how comfortable and natural it was to think of myself as gay. I felt like I knew myself so much better. It even explained things I did and thought as young as seven years old. It felt like a natural conclusion to come to.

 

Wow, just reading this thread has helped me so much. I think I literally just accepted that I knew I liked girls in high school. It's the strangest thing, I knew I did but it's like I never truly acknowledged it. I guess that answers your question… reading posts on ec helps. I find that I get more and more comfortable with myself with every post that I read.

Also, just to repeat, you don't need experience to know your orientation. I knew I liked girls long before I kissed one. As someone above said, it just validated feelings I already had.

 

I have this feeling. This is what everyone should accept. It would help to stay in the moment

And what happens if someone feels nervous with women and sometimes men too?

 

This is a great thread. I'm here because I've only recently come to accept my bisexuality and I'm in my 40's. This is a new and very complex experience, not only for me but for most. I always thought of myself as a hetrosexual and never really gave other men much thought, but it wasn't until later in life when I began to have troubels with my marriage that I began to explore. I think there were a combination of things, circumstances, my education, internet, that allowed me to secretly explore myself in ways that I wouldn't have otherwise.

Today, I have only told a few people about my sexuality, my girlfriend included, but I do think it's a beautiful side of me, but unfortunately a side that I cannot share with most. I do know for a fact that I am bisexual, as I enjoy the company of both sexes. Although I have yet to be romatically involved with another man, I have had some relationships that are very borderline.

I do think it's odd when I hear people say that bisexuality doesn't exist or that we are confused; I know I'm not. I am learning and I love the idea that I have more options. But again, sexuality is very complex and fluid as water. I honestly think we are sexual creatures and that if can seperate purpose from experience then anything goes. It really is about the experiences you want to have and what makes you happy and satisfied.

Best,
E

 

I'm 40 and finally just figuring out that I'm gay--I figured it out at 39. I don't really have any "experience" either, though I'm almost always confident that I'm gay. I think what helps me be sure is a combination of several things.

1) Once I finally allowed myself to truly consider that I might be gay so many things about my life, from childhood actually, made SO MUCH more sense. It just fits my entire history better than anything else ever has--by far. This is a very big part of why I feel sure.

2) Any doubting that does happen for me is super "wordy" in my head--when I push the anxious words in my head aside, quiet myself down, and listen to my gut, my gut always says, "yep, gay." I have learned from lots of experience to trust my not-very-wordy-at-all gut and not to trust my VERY wordy anxious thinking.

3) I can now see that I've had so many crushes on women (though I did not allow myself to see them as that) and I've just plain never had a crush on anyone male.

4) My entire life I've had to remind myself not to stare at women's butts, legs, bellies, and breasts and I've never had to do anything of the sort with men.

5) This is probably not the case for many gay women, but it sounds like it may be your experience to at least some extent--other people *often* assumed that I was gay starting in about junior high. It slowed down a lot after I married a man at age 33 (and femmed up my appearance), but it didn't go away. This last one is more about what other people think, and other people are often wrong, so I don't put too much weight on this one, but in retrospect it does seem like all of me was radiating I AM GAY and everyone but me was seeing it.

Best to you! And trust your gut!

 

Great thread, great question and fantastic answers. I'm currently not sure I just know I don't want to be intimate with women anymore (I'm male). No more pretending. I've journaled much of my experiences where I've lusted for and thought about guys. I think the evidence if obvious I just have to figure out how to accept myself. Very difficult.