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A brave new world... But I feel so ashamed

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Eilin, Mar 17, 2015.

  1. Eilin

    Regular Member

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    When I was 15 I put myself in the closet. I knew I wasn't really attracted to men, but when the thought crossed my mind I was a lesbian I literally told myself not to go there since I was weird enough already. So I didn't go there...
    I had my first boyfriend (kind of forced on me by a 'friend') a little while later and while I was fine with kissing ( it is a fun activity after all ) anything else freaked me out completely because it just didn't feel right...

    A few years later I met a lovely guy, but while I was dating him I started exploring my sexuality again and I kept coming back to the fact I wanted to be with a girl. At 19 I had my first major crush and it felt so different than what I felt for this guy. I almost came out then but was so very, very scared I decided against it, broke off all contact with this girl and stayed in my relationship. A few years later same thing happened, while I was still with the same guy. This time my heart got broken by the both of them. I think they are still together now...

    And this cycle just kept repeating and repeating... Met a guy, after a while I felt like something wasn't right, had a crush on a girl, ended the relationship with the guy, but too scared to pursue anything further with the girl.
    A year ago I realized I couldn't go on like this if I ever wanted to be happy. I realized I had a major crush ( like nothing I have ever felt before ) on a very dear friend of mine and even though we will never be together ( she's straight and doesn't even know about my infatuation) I decided it was now or never.
    So I broke of my relationship and finally moved out this past weekend, we have a son together so that complicated things immensely.

    But now I' m so overwhelmed by feelings of shame. How could I be so ignorant for so long, hurting those guys along the way. Why wasn't I stronger then? Why did it take me 18 years to see me as I am? My friends are very supportive but this is an issue they can't help me with. Sorry for the wall of text, but I really needed to share my story.
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    you certainly didn't intend to hurt anyone. A lot of us, including me, end up in wrong-gender relationships because we haven't figured it out. Much worse, me included, is getting married and having kids before we figure it out. But it's not because we intend to hurt anyone, and we suffer through all this as much as anyone. Everyone moves on. Just be thankful that you know now. :thumbsup:
     
  3. Eilin

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    Thanks. I do feel good about knowing and when I am in a selfish mood (which doesn't happy very often) I could jump for joy. I just hope this guilt will eventually fade away.
    Luckily we weren't married, so that made it a little easier to leave.
    Still haven't told my son though, I figure that that will sort itself out when I meet someone.
     
  4. Sorrel

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    Hey Eilin! It's okay. I don't think you're selfish for wanting to jump for joy. If I may guess, you probably held yourself back from exploring this subject for so long because it would probably have had you jumping for joy in a heartbeat - which is "bad". For me, whenever I allowed myself to fantasize a bit about being alone with a beautiful woman, my mind would say, "No! Too hot! Too good! Too sexy!!" and shut down. Isn't that funny?

    We humans often entertain ourselves with the never-never-land of "what if" and "if only". This land of "should" - "I should have known", "I should have done X", I should have acted differently" - serves no other purpose other than to torture us. You could not have done anything any differently. You were who you were then. It doesn't matter why or how. Now, things are different. And I'd say you're free to jump for joy as often as you want to.

    :slight_smile:
     
  5. Eilin

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    Thanks for you kind words! I'm slowly comings to terms with everything. Luckily I am quite a positive thinker, so I figure all the experiences in my past made me the person I am today and most of the time I am rather happy with myself, so there's that.
    It's just that so many things seem to haven fallen in to place since I realised I'm a lesbian ( it feels so good to say that :slight_smile: )I feel a little foolish about not having realised sooner.

    My first ever fantasy was about a woman, whenever I saw two girls kissing it made me feel al warm and fuzzy inside, I couldn't watch shows like the L- word around other people, because I was afraid what they would think of me...
    And when moving house I rediscovered some old posters of mine, which are almost all drawings of gorgeous women. So that makes me feel a little silly.
     
  6. sighnomore

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    If society were not so bigoted and largely biased against anyone who is different, you would not have felt the need to try to make yourself into something you aren't. You did the best you could with the emotions and information you had at the time. You tried to be that person, and it didn't work. So now you are taking another path.

    The real tragedy would be if you forced yourself into a box of unhappiness for the rest of your life. I'm glad you are making scary but necessary changes. I really admire you because I am at that crossroads myself right now. I wish you the best and I hope you can forgive yourself the way you would forgive a dear friend if they went through the same thing.
     
  7. Eilin

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    That is so sweet! You know, you are right. I remember when I had my first girl-crush at 19, I desperately wanted to tell my parents but I was so scared, I cried for days and eventually broke of all contact with her.
    But then again, I have met so many wonderful people since then, who are know my biggest supporters, so I guess it was all meant to be.
    It is very scary, but I do feel liberated and I am glad I don't have to fake stuff anymore.
    I hope you can find some supporters among your friends, without them I would probably still be in de closet, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.