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My Elder Gay men! How did you do it!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Cesar123, Mar 18, 2015.

  1. Cesar123

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    So i don't mean to offend any of you guys and I will apologize now if thats the case. Out of general curiosity how can you guys be gay and go on to marry a woman have kids? I'm so confused by this because I personally can't get an erection ( or keep a lasting one ) from a woman and isn't that required to make babies? Is frequent sex ( i think like 3-4 times a week is considered healthy ) with your partner something that is required in a healthy relationship. Maybe its my lack of imagination or the fact that I'm so used to guys to even consider woman anymore that I can't do it. Any input guys?
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Sexuality is fluid. Before coming out to myself, I had no issues being intimate with the opposite sex. I did find woman attractive, however, I simply found men more attractive. Now that I have come out to myself, I would not longer be able to as I have no desire to.
     
  3. Cesar123

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    Thats actually kinda cool. So because you desired ( at the time ) to be with a woman it would stimulate you enough to have sex? I actually have this friend, around 18, who is hardcore gay but in denial, he sends me a ridiculous amount of nudes and we've been intimate a few times. The thing is though, he is in so much denial that he still believes he's straight! He's been intimate with woman but never had a girlfriend and claims to have no romantic attachment, so it kinda leaves me scratching my head wondering how he managed to have sex with them...
     
  4. greatwhale

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    Try not to think of sexuality as all one thing or all the other thing, sexuality is on a continuum, it is a spectrum from straight to not-straight, and everything in between.

    In all honesty, sex is sexy, and if one is young enough, and not fully one thing or another (yet...because in addition to all this, sexuality is fluid, as OntheHighway mentioned above), it is not that difficult to have sex with the opposite gender.
     
  5. Pete1970

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    Well for me I was 18 when we started going out, 20 when we got married, so at that age it was pretty easy to get it up for anything. Luckily, she never demanded alot of sex nor did she once ever initiate sex. Ironically, once I csme out to her, then the infrequent sex became my fault
     
  6. Lexington

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    One of the groundbreakers in public homosexuality was Tom Robinson, who went on TV to sing "Glad to Be Gay" in the late 70s. He eventually married a woman and had two children...and to this day, claims he is a "gay man in love with a woman".

    Lex
     
  7. Cesar123

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    This can actually be kinda of somewhat scary information to the LGBT community if you think about it. I mean, if someone as prominent in LGBT community as Tom Robinson identifying himself as gay and living happily with a woman and kids, whats stopping others LGBT youth from doing the same. Or worst whats stopping conservative from using this to diminish or even revert LGBT rights. If a gay man can live happily with a woman ( including sexually ) than doesn't it kinda make some of this all for nothing? I would hate to see something on the headlines along the line " Gay marriage legal but gays marrying straight." Obviously the more conservative denominational of Christianity would use this to further their cause.
    Of course I still desire to further LGBT rights and I still continue to want to live with a man but I really hope this information doesn't stifle our rights / progress. This just seems so contradictory to what I previously thought, If we are really born this way ( which we all our of course ) wouldn't we be driven to pursue a partner that satisfies us sexually rather than not?
     
  8. allnewtome

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    Sexual activity and sexual attraction/orientation aren't always mutually exclusive. My brothers as well as countless other guys have talked in the past of having sex with women they weren't attracted to, same with woman. Some people can get aroused with no physical attraction at all-we've all seen couples where one would wonder what one of them sees in the other.

    Then there are things like rape/assault where arousal climax often happens when no desire in fact he opposite of desire was at play.
     
  9. skiff

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    Hi,

    It is still tough out there for LGBT youth. I voluntereed to cook one night a month at a homeless shelter and there were a lot of displaced youth due to being gay and this is liberal MA. The director was fired for allowing gay youth to be hassled by theother homeless.

    I was in my 20's in the 1970's and it was a very different world for LGBT.

    I am THRILLED you do not know the scenerious we lived with. I envy you.

    Nice to see another beantown boy here.

    Tom
     
  10. Cesar123

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    sadly skiff - I know all to well scenarios you must of been through - as I have through some myself. I'm currently in rural brazil and they are waaaaaaaay to homophobic. I'm talking about the few gay men I know here live under constant harassment from there family and the community - not just verbally either but physically! Most of them are under 18 which is why they have to stay but I know for a fact that when they turn 18 they are moving to the big cities to get away from the homophobia. Makes me sad....
    P.S I'm not out here...So i'm safe and sound.
     
  11. skiff

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    Yeah...

    My best friend is from Soa Paulo and he came here to be gay as it was safer.

    He says that gays are regularly murdered in Sao Paulo and it does not raise an eyebrow.

    ---------- Post added 18th Mar 2015 at 05:24 PM ----------

    Get back to Boston safe. :slight_smile:
     
  12. Cesar123

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    Murder in Brazil is vastly ignored. So you can imagine how bad it is for the LGBT community in that environment. Just the other day, I saw a repost of one of my homophobic friends ( yes i'm friends with a lot of homophobes here lol ) about to guys kissing on Facebook. The comments range from mediocre acceptance ( " I don't accept it but I'm not gonna care about it"stuff ) to literally completely bashing to outright hatred! Ugh its so frustrating. All I can do though is try to lift the consciousness of the people around me through my words, wish I could say that I could do it while I'm out though..
     
  13. Damien

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    The Taoist master I am learning Tantric sexual practice from, said that when one is young, one is literally bursting with ching-chi (sexual energy) and joked that even just 'a puff of wind' can suffice to bring on arousal; so why not a woman? If one had no other alternative, I think a woman could arouse even a guy who later on found out he was actually gay. Just as it is well known that in prisons, there are guys who 'on the outside' are completely straight, but in prison, out of (what they must construe of as necessity), have sex with other inmates. Maybe folks just do the best they can at the time to satisfy their sexual needs.
     
    #13 Damien, Mar 18, 2015
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2015
  14. Cesar123

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    That's actually a really good point Damien! I never considered that and the prison thing is a really good example.
     
  15. quebec

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    In the sixties being gay was pretty bad. I was a teenager and didn't know any better than to follow the norm that society set. So, yes, I went on dates, got married, had children and now grandchildren. I didn't think at the time that I had a choice, no matter how I felt about women. I must tell you while actually having sex, my mind was absolutely somewhere and thinking about somebody else! It was the only way I could live....I thought. I knew I like guys, not girls, but had no idea what to do about it. And I was a told that homosexuality was evil and very, very wrong. It took me many years to understand that the way I feel is not my fault. I have always felt this way, no one forced me to be gay, porn didn't make me gay and since I never did pot, I guess that didn't make me gay either! I am gay...I was born this way and there is nothing wrong with it. It just took a long time to come to that conclusion. In the meantime....I survived.....David
     
  16. arturoenrico

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    It is mind over matter. And, it you don't know about the Kinsey Scale, you should check it out. The benefits of the marriage, to my best friend, far out weighed the negatives. Men frequently can have sex with anything, particularly if they get lost in their hidden fantasies during the "act."
     
  17. Cesar123

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    I'm sorry but I hate people that just follow the norm in life (nowadays should I say )because they just want to "feel" normal and "live" normal lives. If everyone just blatantly followed each other than people would still think the earth is flat! I feel if everyone was open minded the world would of progressed so much further.
    David - I feel for you. I'm kinda going through something similar here in Brazil. It's sad when you have to closeted for your safety and well being. Lucky I will be back in the states soon ( counting down the days! )
    Arturonenrico - I'm familiar with the Kinsey Scale but I don't really believe in it. Even for this post I reconsidered that sexuality is very fluid and I feel that it's to restrictive.
     
  18. MarthRoyIke

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    For some of us it's not as easy as just "coming out" and "being true to yourself". When you have the closest people to you - your family, your friends, your community, and your faith - all telling you that it's wrong to "live for this world" or how it is more virtuous to have the wife and 2.4 kids, and then watching those around you - people you trust, people in authority, people you love and respect - emulate that life, it isn't hard to want that for yourself enough to deny what you feel inside.

    I stayed with my ex-girlfriend for 6 years because I loved her. I loved to make her happy, I loved her smile, I found her beautiful, and the sex wasn't always crappy. It felt easy and even virtuous to separate myself from all of you here to live the life that was expected of me.
     
    #18 MarthRoyIke, Mar 19, 2015
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  19. arturoenrico

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    I think it would be helpful to try to see perspectives other than your own. If you want to understand someone's else's experience, it doesn't help to say "I'm sorry but I hate people that just follow the norm..." In fact, it is really offensive. Everyone's story is unique and complex, particularly when it comes to sexuality. I wouldn't say I was "just following the norm." I would say that I was confused, anguished at times, as a young man. I was very close emotionally to my wife; she was my best friend and so on.... You also said, "I reconsidered that sexuality is very fluid and I feel it's too restrictive." I suppose you mean the Kinsey scale; perhaps it is, having been developed so long ago but my point was solely that most people are not exclusively heterosexual or homosexual in either ideation or experience. This is why it is possible for a man to marry and have children despite the fact that his homosexuality is strong within him. He is able to summon up just enough heterosexuality to live the "norm."
     
  20. Cesar123

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    I apologize if I offended anyone. I wasn't directing the whole norm thing to sexual orientation. I recognize that a lot of factors can circulate ones desire to live an open /closeted homosexual life. When I wrote it, I was expressing something completely different. What I meant by it blatantly following the current trend without questioning it, as if everything humans do are infallible! It can be something as minor as fashion ( how many people wear uncomfortable clothes or ridiculous outfits to "fit in" ) to extremes ( Like the holocaust, I'm sure germans thought killing was wrong but because it was the "norm" at the time it was not questioned or opposed by majority of germans ). The point I was trying to get across is that if people are more opened minded and more accepting of new ideas, far more people would be happier. I feel like opinions and ideas for vast majority are either unheard or they refuse to express them due to fear (like woman in the middle east). I understand that for some, this can be rather complicated but for those who are privileged enough to have this right and chose to not exercise it - is an insult to those who can not speak up. Again, I apologize if I offended anyone, It wasn't my intention.:icon_sad: