Is this denial?

It sounds like you're still going through the acceptance process, and that is perfectly ok. I feel this way sometimes, too. I go into denial at times, think "this isn't really me" or "I'm just confused." But then I see a pretty girl and I'm reminded, "yep, still gay." :lol:

I think it can feel quite surreal to have such a drastic shift of identity, especially if you're coming out a bit later on and have a myriad of experiences under your belt (not necessarily romantic/sexual, just life experience).

I've come out to some friends, and what got me there was mostly the extreme distress of *not* coming out. I was depressed, anxious, felt like I might explode. I needed people to talk to, and holding in that secret became too much. What helped was telling them where I am as honestly as possible. Or well, where I was several months ago, which was "I think I might be gay, but I'm still figuring things out." So, they know, and they know I'm still working through some things, and they've been supportive. There have been some hiccups along the way, but overall it's been good to be able to know I can be myself around them without worry of losing them.

Coming out also brings your thoughts out into the real world. For me, at least, it made things start to feel more real and less like this crazy idea that was just drifting around in my head, or that I chatted about on the internet. So, talking with the people you interact with regularly in your real life *may* help you start to feel a little more grounded, it might help you feel like this is your reality now, if you bring it into reality.

That having been said, you should come out when you feel ready to do so. If you still need time to yourself, and don't want others to know just yet, there is no rush. If you're ready for them to know, though, and the only thing holding you back is this denial feeling, it may help to push through it.

 

I have felt much the same way while discussing this with my therapist what he said was:

'I do hear your doubt and think this is natural - can you permit it and see what happens?'

I think while questioning or going though the acceptance phase you over analyse every thought or feeling. Mainly, in my case, to find an excuse that it is not true and this becomes exhausting and makes your brain hurt. What he said helped me not to stress so much and let my feelings happen.

 

you definitely don't need to feel rushed in the coming out process. It sounds like you do accept that you are gay, but are having are harder time accepting the "gay identity", whatever that means, right? For me, I find that the more I develop relationships with other gay men (friendships), the more comfortable I become. And as I experience some emotional attachments and feelings toward other gay men, it becomes even easier. That's something that just happens as we develop friendships and other casual relationships.

 

I know that this is not the comfortable thing you want to hear, but you probably aren't going to stop denying, by your outward actions, that you are gay until you come out to some people. The reason I say this is that you said "I know I like men. I am attracted to them sexually". You have already come out to yourself, which is the first and hardest thing to do. You aren't really denying it any more, you just don't want to admit it to anyone else because you feel that being gay is a flaw in yourself and fear that others may think less of you when you come out to them. This dissonance is keeping you from feeling right about yourself and may also interfere with forming the emotional attachment to another man whom you find sexually attractive.

Maybe you are not ready to end this contradiction yet by coming out, because the positives you are not imagining or experiencing yet have not overcome the negatives you are constructing elaborately in your head about coming out. Unfortunately, like with most everyone else, you can't get to the actual positives without exposing yourself to the potential negatives. That's just the way it is. I hope you will be able to see beyond the risks to take the chance to bring your life in alignment with reality. It should relieve you of a large part of the stress you are imposing on yourself by worrying about it.

It might help you to stand in front of a mirror and repeat "I'm gay, and it is going to be OK" over and over again, until you feel comfortable looking at yourself saying that, and can visualize yourself saying it to other people. It does help some people to do that.

 

Yossarian is spot-on in his response to you.

You are not in denial, you have accepted who you are; the "wall" you refer to is simply fear and denial is its expression.

Vulnerability is not a comfortable place to be, but nothing will happen without it. Just remember that you do not need a lot of courage, but you do need some courage. The coming-out experiences that are described here at EC should encourage you to find that voice in you that defies your denial, and says, simply and forcefully: "I am gay".

 

For me it really helped to talk about these doubts with a very close friend. Funny enough she recognized my feelings before I did (and she is straight).
It took some time after that to fully admit to myself and others what was going on. But in retrospect that was where I started making the shift in my brain. A lot of my anxiety has faded since then.

 

I am caught exactly where badger is at but I'm a little further along. Here's what I've done and learned so far. a) I've learned that others can see it in you when you cannot see it in yourself. b) I confided in multiple friends, it gets a little easier each time. The last friend I told (female) has had two previous men come out to her, one being a Catholic priest. After telling her I felt so filthy I went home and took five or so showers and laundered the clothes I was in. This clued me I have further to go.

I've printed out a few pictures of guys kissing and put up in house. I tell myself, each time I see the pics, this is ok. This is called positive reinforcement therapy.

Looked for ECs friendships that add good synergy in skills / experiences - I help them, they help me.

Currently looking for a gay group to interact with. The therapist route did not help that much. Will try one more therapist.

 

I think many of us have been in your shoes, myself included. The only thing I can really tell you is it takes time. I've been out for a few years & there are days it feels weird to think, "I'm gay."

One thing you could do is look in the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say "I'm gay" aloud. Do this several times, maybe dozens. Over days & months it should help it to feel normal to begin thinking of yourself as gay.

 

I can definitely relate, I feel like i'm in the same position as you. I've accepted that i'm gay but for some reason I struggle immensely with saying so aloud, even if I am by myself in front of a mirror. The word lesbian terrifies me. I'm curious to see what people have to say and suggestions they may have for us!