Hi Folks Its 2 years since I came out to my wife, we are still together, she is very supportive, and the only thing we argue about is which actor we are going to drool over when watching films. Last summer we both went to watch the local Manchester Pride, and with my wife's knowledge I joined a support group for gay men who were newly out and have been going each week since and have made many friends. I also started once a month going to a gay film night on a Saturday evening and afterwards on to bars in the gay village. Just recently I have made a new friend and was invited by him for a meal in a restaurant which was very enjoyable; we had many shared interests and talked for at least 3 hours not caring about what other customers may have overheard. This was the first time I had been out with a gay guy for a meal rather than just chatting to one of the support group members in the bar. It felt so normal to me and was very self-affirming and an important step for me. We have agreed to meet up again next week. Just to be clear I don’t think there was any other motive behind our meeting than just a chat and I wouldn’t have called it a date as such but we did talk openly and honestly about such things as sex. So what’s my question? Well the guy in question is in a civil partnership with another guy and they are planning to get married next year. His partner works out of town during the week but was supposedly aware of our meeting. Coming from my straight background I’m totally unfamiliar with the dynamics of gay couples but the closest analogy I have would be that of going out for a meal with another guy’s wife, which in my books would seem wrong. I certainly don’t want to disrupt my friends partnership so would welcome any views especially from gay couples as to how normal this situation is, and how they would feel if their partner went out for meals with other guys when they were working away from home. SGG
I wouldn't worry about it--I've been with my partner for 18 years and what you describe wouldn't bother me at all. To be honest, while I certainly get what you are saying about going out to dinner with another man's wife, I've never really understood it--and I think it's a little sad. Both my partner and I have friends--yes, even male friends (actually mainly male friends). It's not a thing. Actually for years after my partner and I got together I still had season tickets to the opera with an ex-boyfriend. We would go to the show and then go out for coffee, sometimes for hours, and talk about it. Once a friend of my partner's questioned that whole "arrangement." My partner's response was basically that he doesn't like opera and I do and he knew that part of it for me was talking about it afterwards with someone who was really into it and he wanted me to have that experience--plus this way he didn't have to go to the opera.:lol: Actually the more I think about the particular situation you describe the more I think that your friend's partner might genuinely appreciate you. If I worked out of town during the week the idea of my partner sitting home alone all week would really bother me. In my partner's former line of work he used to travel very occasionally--but when he did it was for 4-7 days. It was hard for me, and he knew it. I would tend to sort of mope around while he was gone. He would always encourage me to get out and do stuff while he was gone--go out to dinner or the movies or something with a friend. I would but not nearly as much as when he was home. Once (while he was in Florida for the week) he went so far as to call a couple of my friends and tell them that they needed to drag me out of the house and take me to do something "shockingly gay." They barged into the house, tarted me up and dragged me out dancing--we eventually ended up in a gay strip club. And my partner was ecstatic. Enjoy your new friendship!
What you describe wouldn't bother me at all, and wouldn't bother my husband either. I occasionally hang out with gay friends when he doesn't want to go or doesn't have time. It's no big deal. The primary element here is trust. I trust him and he trusts me and we are both secure in that Ultimately, I suppose it comes down to individual integrity. Presuming that you see nothing in this guys behavior to indicate he wants to be anything other than friends, and that you have no desire for your relationship to be more than that, then I see no problem with it. Todd
Agree with OGS and Todd. I'd be totally relaxed about it. In actual fact, my soon to be husband often goes out or goes away with his ex and it really doesn't worry me at all. I trust him and he trusts me.
there is something that advice columnist Dan Savage calls "monogamish." I think it's not all that uncommon with gay couples. I have one gay friend I hook up with from time to time who is married, and not only does his husband know about it but once I even got together with the two of them. It's not all that uncommon.
Hi Guys, Thanks for the replies; they have made me feel more comfortable about the situation as I look forward to meeting him again this week. Wildside, I’m familiar with Dan Savage’s notion of “monogamish” but had totally forgotten it in this case, I think because when I heard him talk about it in the past is was in reference to straight couples. SGG
Just to comment on the opposite side of the coin, my partner would have an issue if I was having dinner socially with someone he did not know. If it is someone he knows, he has no issue. He suggests that he is more concerned about the person I would be with and their intentions than mine. But I guess if everyone is open up front about their intentions and limits, I see no harm in it.
OnTheHighway: Thanks for the flipside viewpoint, I will tread carefully with this new friendship and see where it takes me but would only feel comfortable in taking it beyond just friendship if his partner agrees / participates. SGG
I married my partner of 24 years last year, on Dec 8, 2014; we met way back in college. After such a long time, you tend to know each other pretty well, and a sort of bond forms that's hard to explain, but one that is also built on trust. Thus, it wouldn't bother me if he'd gone out and had dinner with another gay man; we have all kinds of friends. At the risk of sounding less than 'traditional', we have pondered perhaps having a third party, or for me to find a 'playmate' that we mutually agreed upon, as my sex drive has always been at least 3 times his, and time has gone by, I'd like to have sex once a day, whereas my partner, maybe one a week, which tends to make me, well, very much full of nervous energy. Plus, I have certain 'kinks' he does not really get into...But such an undertaking would involve a clear and open meeting of all of us, with the understanding that our marriage was still primary, even though with a playmate, we could still be friends. I suppose it's hard to explain, and we haven't really pursued anything; another reason is that I'm very, very fussy! But I would say being together so long has made us trust each other to the extent we know we'd always come back to each other, and this is something that in the first 10 years, I would have never even considered. Hope this helps, or at least, fails to confuse...
Something way different about the gay world compared to the straight world is exactly this. Gay men often look to other gay men either as "just friends" or "more than friends." As such, there aren't so many rules and barriers about socializing; I wouldn't think it out-of-bounds for my SO to go have dinner with another gay guy - just as long as the evening didn't finish off with sexual intimacy. I think gay men understand better than most that there is a threshold to cross when going from "just friends" to "more than friends." In the straight world, the rules about men and women not doing things together are meant to enforce fidelity within a marriage. But do these rules really prevent adultery? In my opinion, it's really up to everyone to set boundaries and stick to them, rather than giving in to every temptation. Ideally, those rules would not be necessary.
Hi Folks HuskyPup: Thanks for your enlightened thoughts on the possibility of a “playmate” within a long term trusting relationship to balance out an uneven sex drive. In a way that is where I am with my wife, she no longer wants sex and I turned out to be gay anyway, but to be honest I’m finding it difficult to bring up the issue even though when I came out to her 2 years ago she said she was OK with the idea. I don’t think the guy I mentioned in my post is looking for anything other than friendship so I am proceeding on that basis since I don’t want to wreck someone’s relationship. Piano71: Thanks for the clarification on the difference between “Just Friends” and “More Than Friends” it makes sense and I suppose does simplify things. On the other hand I know a long term couple who each seem to have “playmates” outside the primary relationship without impacting the main relationship … it’s all very strange and new to me. It’s clear that I still have a lot to learn and I shouldn’t just try and map the rules from the straight world into my new exciting gay world. All: In spite of my reservations I did meet up with my new friend last night for another enjoyable meal and long chat in the gay village. I made a point of mentioning my reservations to him and how I was concerned what his partner may be feeling about him meeting strangers whilst he, his partner, was working out of town; my friend replied that his partner was not away at the moment and working from home just down the road. I guess that just reinforces the point that others have made about trusting their partner with another guy. This time round I was able be more confident and even less guarded talking about sex and gay issues even though there were straight couples on adjoining tables straining to hear .. well they shouldn't be surprised what they overhear in a gay owned / operated establishment in the gay village! SGG
