What can we learn from each other's stories? The simple step of admitting to myself took several years... What's the next step? It wasn't until my late 30's that I started to explore the idea that I might be bisexual. And in a funny way I have to blame it on my failed marriage. Our sex life had become non-existent and I was surfing the internet for some visual aids when I stumbled on to a gay porn site. I immediately logged off the entire computer and freaked out. I though, Oh my God, what if somebody saw me looking at that, or my kids, wife walked in? I would be horrified, and I walked away. Throughout the day, I could not get the images out of my site - they excited me, they were like a splinter on the brain. Eventually, I shook them. A few weeks later, I again was on the computer only this time I was looking at personal ads. I was actually looking for someone who was in the same boat as I. Someone who was in a dead relationship, needless to say I found no one, but while I was there curiosity got the best of me and I ventured in the males seeking males section. As I read the ads I discovered two things: 1) There were so many "straight" men looking to connect with other men, and 2) I was turned on. Again, I logged off and walked away. For the next few weeks this little experience stirred in me and I began to question myself. Occasionally I would peek at the ads from time to time, but never responded. About a year later, after I had separated/going through my divorce one day while going through the ads, I built up the courage to answer an ad for a personal massage. This would end up being my first experience. By this time I am in my 40's. What I discovered was I was scared as hell, ashamed, excited, and confused, but one thing I was certain of... I liked it. At the time I was seeing a girl, and I was completely into her both sexually and emotionally and I guess this is where the confusion came. How could I be gay if I enjoy being with my girlfriend? Time went on and occasionally I would connect with my new friend, and then I met another friend. This time a co-worker. Again, there was an experience, and I liked it. And still I was dating women and enjoying them as well. It took me four years to figure it out and utter the words... I'm bisexual. I first said this to myself, then to my girlfriend, a special friend, and one of my former professors, and this is where I am today. So what's the next step? I've looked for support groups, I would like to go to therapy (can't afford it) or simply talk/communicate with others about their experiences. When I first came out to three previously mentioned, it was such a liberating experience. My girlfriend was great and supportive, but she was also concerned and of course helds many of the stereotypical perceptions of bisexual men (promiscuous, unfaithful, and selfish). We have gotten past some of this, but I still feel there is more work and much to learn. I think occasionally she forgets that I'm bisexual, and I feel the need to gently remind her in subtle ways. I'm not really sure why I feel it's important to remind her, but I do. I hope others such as myself reply to this post with stories, ideas, experiences, advice and thoughts. I came here to learn about sexuality (bisexuality in this case) and eager to hear from you all. Best, E
Hi Tssoe02 First welcome to EC this is a great site for understanding and coming to terms with our own sexuality and I’m sure you will find it very helpful as you explore the new you. Although slightly different circumstances some of your post really rang a bell with me. I too had a marriage that had become sexless and stumbled across gay porn by accident. I was researching my father’s prostate cancer and came across articles on prostate milking as a means of prevention and mixed up with all the medical info were links to gay sex videos. Out of curiosity I looked at one or two and was really turned on by them. Like you I was initially shocked that my wife might catch me and I deleted my Internet history, but the seed was sown in my mind and soon I couldn’t stop looking it was so exciting and guilty at the same time. It dawned on me that the reason I had put up with a sexless marriage for so long was that actually I was not really that turned on my sex with women but what I was seeing on the screen was so real and resonated deeply with me. I had been around gay guys in the theatre most of my adult life but they were all rather flamboyant stereotypical gay guys and I didn’t recognise myself in them so I had thought that I wasn’t gay but after watching the gay porn featuring mostly guys like myself I realised I was definitely gay. I now go to a regular gay support group in the local gay village and have made many friends and now know that I’m 100% gay … and looking back on my life always have been but not known it. I have written about my experiences in my blog http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6683-blog-entry-1-discovering-i-gay-my-mid-40s.html As for therapy, I think you will go a long way if you just hang out on this site and read the posts and ask us questions. For me, and other late discoverers, it’s like being a teenager again so even though you are in your 40s you should read the posts in other sections of this site mainly frequented by the younger guys. I have found also that watching gay themed films (not porn) has helped me especially coming of age / first love films has let me live vicariously through the actors and is filling out some of my missed youth discovering I was gay. If you can get Netflix they have quite a good selection of LGBT films and one you may find particular interesting is called Angels of Sex and is about a young guy who suddenly discovers he’s BI and explores his feelings for his girlfriend and his new gay lover. It’s rated 15 and is in Spanish with English Subtitles SGG
Hello, anybody out there? Is this mic on? I was really hoping to hear from others specifically about bisexuality. And SGG, thank you for your words and your story. When I read it, it definitely resegnated with me and I could relate. Thank you for sharing. E
Thanks E for posting your story and your wanting to explore the topic of bisexuality more. I am struggling a bit with definitions and labels which can be a bit arbitrary, and sometimes I feel a bit adrift or marginalized in the LGBT sphere as a bi man and father (I've had one gay guy who told me I was more "gay" than he was due to my mannerisms and another Internet prospect who didn't come out until he was 40 telling me he wouldn't meet me because I wasn't fully out.) On the other hand, a lot of men find the fact that I had a long-term relationship and kids a turn-on. Go figure. I had an almost 18-year-old marriage that ended in divorce (more her desire than mine) and it took about two years after it ended to come to terms with my attraction to men. I was 15 during my first same-sex encounter, so I'm both precocious and a late bloomer. I am coming to terms with the fact that it's really sometimes about the person for me as a bi man. I respond physically yes to attractive people, but it's the energy, humor, intelligence that really get me. I do have some trepidation about getting rejected by women as a bi guy, but I'm working through that. It would be nice to find a support group for bi men in my area as I've found support groups particularly helpful for other issues in my life. Is there a group like that in your area? Thanks again for posting this, SWGuy
SWGuy, Thanks for responding. I was beginning to think nobody was looking at the post. I've met internet prospects such as yours, who when I told them I was bi, suddenly became uninterested. :/ I've been looking for a support group around my area but haven't been very successful. There was a group that would have fit nice, but schedule and distance presented a challenge. In reality, this is what brought me here to this site: my inability to find other resources in my area, and currently I cannot afford therapy. I can see that we had very similar experiences in the sense of coming to terms about our sexual identity post marriage. When I was a kid I did some play things with other boys, but never as a teen, and my first experience wasn't until my 40's. Although, I'm not sure when I can say that I was somewhat attracted to men. I mean I could always say comfortably that another man was attractive, but to check a man out, not really. Or maybe I did, but convinced myself that I admired a physique. But I did start recognizing later in life that there were times when I got turned on watching porn and watching the man in particular. I guess this is where my real start began. Anyways, thank for the nice reply I look forward to hearing from others. E
Hello E. I am 33 and I consider myself bisexual (although I have been reading about pansexuality, something I was not aware of before, and that seems to describe how I feel more correctly than just bisexual). I have never been with a woman as an adult because I have been too shy to ever approach someone, and I look straight, so no one ever approaches me. When I was a child and a preteen, my 'playing doctor' experiments were always with other girls and as I got older I had many crushes on other girls, but by then, I had discovered this was considered abnormal/sinful/bad/disgusting by the people around me and i was careful always to hide those feelings. Something I still do to this day. Generally when I develop feelings for a woman, I find out she is straight and so I never say a word. Or when I meet a lesbian that I think is super cute, I am too scared to say anything because I have had a lot of lesbians say scathing things about bisexual women. It's like a cycle I can't seem to get out of. I would love to go on some dates with women just to feel more 'out' and like i had half a chance of meeting someone. But I live in South Texas and the people on the free dating sites mostly seem to be either much too young for me, or married women looking for fun on the side. Not my kind of thing. I think most of the roadblock I am experiencing is simply the town I live in. It's supposedly very progressive but I think that really only applies to the student population. People in their 30s and 40s here seem mostly interested in guns and religion, two things that I do not have in my life. So I am thinking I need to move. It was good to read about your current situation because it makes me feel less alone. I wish you well.
It's good to hear others' experiences and struggles. I hope we can get a steady discussion going and support each other as midlife bisexuals! SWGuy
Sighnomore, I know how you feel. I'm from and most of my family still lives in South Texas, Corpus Christi area and yes... guns and religion! I too tried the online dating sites for a little while with no luck. I didn't click with most of the men out there. My ideal relationship with another man is more of a healthy friendship that I can share some intimacy with. I never really saw myself romantically involved with another man, but I love a good friendship; a bit more than what dominant culture would regard as "normal." What do you think would be an ideal connection for you? How would you like to meet someone? E SWGuy, I agree with you. This was my hope! )
Let me just say, I am not necessarily in your shoes but I can simply relate. I am 23 and just came out to my boyfriend and family as bisexual. WHAT A RELIEF. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we are monogamous. However it's only been a few days since I have told him, and 1 day since I have told my family. But I feel the need to express that I am bisexual in anyway to my boyfriend. Like I don't want to be closeted again or I don't want it to be forgotten. Maybe that's because it took me 10 years to come out and that means something to me and I want others to know it. I don't want to feel like a straight woman hiding again, especially in my relationship to a straight man. So how do I go about this without hurting my boyfriend? It's a hard question to answer. But I'm going to do it lightly. He fully supports me but I don't want to push him away or think that I'm demasculinating him at all. Maybe buying a pin that has a bisexual symbol on it and putting it on your backpack, that you carry around in public, will help both you and I express who we are in a subtle manner. Or similar things like that. Let me know if you have any advice on this topic as well!
Hi tssoe02, welcome to ec. I too have come to accept being bi in midlife, it's been almost a year now (seems like such a long time ago now), and what an amazing journey it's been. I can't type much now as my kids are staying over this weekend (I will be making pancakes pretty shortly ) but just wanted to say there are plenty of other bi's here on ec who can offer you an 'insider's perspective' on issues relating to bisexuality (as well as many gay, lesbian and transgender folks who will offer acceptance and support, as well). For me, bisexuality means freedom. To only be 'allowed' to be attracted to guys or to girls, feels restrictive, something akin to a straight-jacket. I don't feel complete unless I feel free to allow myself to let attraction flow where it naturally will, in my case, not based upon a person's gender, but upon other things, such as beauty (whether male or female), a kind nature, sense of humour, the expression in their eyes...I can certainly relate. Like yourself, I initially discovered (well, rediscovered - I had felt attraction to guys at intervals over most of my life, but always sort of 'denied and buried' it before), whereas of course I never did this with my attraction to women. How one-sided that was. More another time, but just quickly, enjoy the journey! How exciting it is, discovering all of this...I can still recall.
I seem to have been many things! I indulged in gay sex with strangers when I was married, got divorced, joined Gaydar, had a few of homosexual relationships, rediscovered women, went nuts with them for a while and now that I have the chance of happiness in a straight relationship, I find myself looking at naked men on line again. Frustrating! I have done many on line quizzes for the Kinsey scale and always come out as a 4 - 'predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual'. I know some of these are a little questionable, but I wouldn't argue! So I'm bisexual and proud of that, but not out of the closet - not that bold yet!
@headie2infinity, I too first came out to my girlfriend. At first I told her I was bi-curious and she actually got pretty excited about this. She claims, that she is curious, but doesn't think she would ever follow through, and being in a straight monogamous relationship (long-term) that could very well be the case... who knows. Anyways, again she was very supportive when I first came out as bi-curious, but it wasn't until later that I fully fessed up to having multiple experiences with other men that the reality set in. It took a little bit for her to digest this information and there was a time or a period of time I should say, where she really questioned our relationship and whether or not she could give me everything I would want in a relationship. I think as bisexuals we have a greater challenge because there are the common myths that we have to contend with, myths such as having to have both sexes, that we cannot be monogamous, that we are promiscuous etc. It took a little time for her to understand that being bisexual doesn't mean I have to have both sexes and that I can't be monogamous. I simply told her that I was attracted to both sexes, that I had sex with both sexes, and that it's just a part of my identity, and the bottom line was and is, I'm still the same person. Let us know who things are turning out. @Damien, Thanks for touching base and I'm sure others as well as myself would love to hear/read more.
Thank you for the response! You know it is hard being bisexual at this point because I feel like something has been missing in my sexual relationship. I mean my boyfriend is gorgeous but I don't want to ever initiate sex with him and all my fantasies are with women. However, I have told him this and he respects it and it certainly doesn't push him away! Hahaha. I know there are things that he will never be able to give me but I am young and will take this as a learning experience for myself. I am lucky to have him though!
Hey, and thanks for sharing. I too have been struggling alot with only just coming to terms as a Bi man. I am married and when I first came out to my wife she was okay with it..... at first. As I have become more open with my feeling, she has become more defensive. She tells me its just a phase and she doesnt think Im even Bi. Everytime we are active in bed she says things about how I must be strait bc I can still do it with her. If I am On EC or watching anything that is about Bi or Gay people she gets mad at me. She gets mean and says that its bc I watch those things that I feel this way and that if I would stop it would all go away. I know my feeling are true. I remember loving the feeling I had when I was younger. Before my homophobic Step Father scared me into the closet. Now that I have gotten past letting him down, and become true with myself. I feel so free. I have had the most amazing fantasies, and giggle like a school girl when I notice any attactive guys bc I have never allowed myself to think that way. I love my wife and she does still turn me on, I hope she can come to terms with it and we can make things work. Its a struggle but Im doing it!
Hello, I am bisexual too. I am lucky in that I figured it out years ago. Like the OP I was scared, ashamed, etc. but did know I liked it. Anyway, I am currently in therapy of which my sexuality is only a part....or at least I think.
Hi all, Guys, especially married ones, might want to google Mark Bentley Cohen to see about his life a married, bisexual man. Very interesting reading!
Yes, life can be complicated as noted by my information at the left... To me, the definition of bisexuality is very simple. All it means is that gender is NOT the first gating factor in deciding who you are attracted to. For heterosexuals AND homosexuals it is the first determining factor, but for bisexuals it's maybe 3rd or 4th on the list. The attraction is more related to the specific person. If there is intimacy in the relationship, it can be worked out appropriately, independent of gender. I began to reconsider my sexuality in 1990 at the age of 42. I was married and had 2 kids, but I thought I was gay. I really wanted a physical relationship with a man, but my life circumstances made that very difficult. It was in 1997 that I finally had an intimate experience. I spent 4 days in Florida with someone I had met online. He had been conversing for about a year. It all seemed very natural without a hint of hesitation. I few weeks later I told him that he was my first and he was quite surprised. So, in my mind things looked much clearer. I did a few hookups from time to time, but I did not want to cause a family upheaval as I had one in college and the other in high school at the time. However, I also knew that my marriage was on the decline and had acutally been for some time. But, thinking of myself as gay felt a lot better to me because I "knew". However, my wife and I realized that it was time to think about how to end our marriage. My wife and I basically lived on different floors of the house while she was sorting out what she wanted to do next and where she wanted to go. Eventually the process would take about 3 years and we finally separated in 2003. But, in 2000-2001 I was working on a project in the Los Angeles area. Sort of by accident I reconnected with a woman I had met in Kentucky 6-8 years before. But, there had never been a romantic relationship. Basically we comiserated a lot as when I first met her, she was last than a year out of her marriage and I was lamenting my situation. But, when we reconnected, we realized that there had always been this undercurrent between us, but it was never acted upon (or even talked about, for that matter). She was living about 2 hours from LA and I was able to visit several times while I was working out there. One thing led to another and we became very intimate: set-the-bedsheets-on-fire intimate. But, it occured to me that there was something that I didn't understand. If I was actually gay, how could I get so much enjoyment out of this intimacy and be so willing to invest considerable energy in it? As my attitude toward men had not changed, the only real conclusion was that I was bisexual. So, this is how I have thought of myself for the last 14 years or so. We got married in 2005 (2nd for both of us) and I have not been motivated to seek a hookup so far. I think that is a function of priorities as I don't feel any different about men. The way things have turned out, I feel pretty comfortable in the identities that I have claimed.
@flatlander48, thanks for your posts and story. These stories, I think, really help others as I know they help me, so thank you for taking the time.
No problem. Glad that you find it useful. One thing that I have noticed is that when I can begin to verbalize something, I usually have a decent understanding of the topic. Maybe not 100%, but clearly a majority of it. So, these kinds of discussions are significant for me also. And remember, it is a journey. Accepting oneself is not like flipping a switch. Peace to you!
I'm also bisexual, and I'm married with 2 kids. I Had my first sexual experiences with my two best friends, one male and one female, fairly close together. I 'lost touch' with my female best friend for years in college, only reconnecting about once a year for years. Married my hs sweetheart, and this past summer reconnected with my bff. She was more 'actively' bisexual (I've only ever had the two partners), although monogamous since she got married a few years ago. Long story short, I'm still very attracted to her. I suspect the feeling is at least somewhat mutual. I have no desire to cheat on my husband, but I also have desires that aren't being met within our marriage due to body differences between men and women. Feeling a bit stuck...
