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Just when I thought I was out, she pushes me back in

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JACT, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. JACT

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    You all are the only ones I can open up to, Thanks for being there for me.

    In a recent conversation, my wife, who I came out to back in November last year, told me something that shook me pretty hard, for some reason wee were talking about been free to talk our mind about anything and how her mom and some of her brothers and sisters have no filters when it comes to being frank about their beliefs and opinions, they will say what they want with out fear of hurting someone's feelings, I said That in the same way I wish I could tell them about me with out fear.
    well about that, she reminded me about that solemn promise in church in front of God and our families, when we got married, I do remember.... she went on to say among other things that if I make it known to anyone, the promise is broken and we can no longer be a family. she said that she loves me and Is willing to hold her promise to love me and care for me till death do us part, as long as I stay deep in the closet and never come out to anyone else.

    I responded somewhat frustrated and said, that why not, after all my father had wished the same after seeing that I was not growing to be like he dreamed, instead I was an overly sensitive kid that preferred to read instead of riding bulls and chasing girls, he too wanted to hide me away as to cause no embarrassment.
    and so here I m wishing to be free, wishing to be honest about who the real me is and I realize that all that I may be instead is a big embarrassment to all...

    what a bad place to be!!

    I just needed to get that out of my chest, thanks for listening/reading it.
     
  2. S0apB0x

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    I may not be in your exact same boat, but you aren't alone. We may live very different lives, and be at different stages of our lives, but by knowing that we are inherently human, and humans are terrified of the unknown, turning your back on what you know now, even if it makes you unhappy, is terrifying. I know you love your family, and they probably would be hurt due to a lack of understanding. But it comes down to your happiness. Everyone has a right to happiness. You must live for yourself. Those that truly love you will support you. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is. I am not living your life. But i can say, that you will not be alone, no matter what decision you make.
     
  3. Weston

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    It comes down to your happiness versus her embarrassment. You have already come out to her and can't take that back.
     
  4. kindy14

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    Isn't it selfish of her to push your "SELF" into a place where she doesn't have to deal with it. If you are going to stay married, and monogamous with your wife, then there should be no embarrassment for you to come out. If you are not going to stay married, then you'll just have to lay your cards on the table, and let things go where they go.

    You need to decide what you want out of life, her, and your marriage. All that may not be compatible together.
     
  5. Robert

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    Why are you still living with your wife?
     
  6. JACT

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    My wife and I do not fight, well not much, not real fights, we have some discussions that at times want to turn into arguments, I love her and I feel she still loves me, sexual intimacy seems to be fading on my part and she seems to understand but we are committed to rise our kids together, the one thing that we have a difference of opinion now is that she wants me to hide the real me, for appearances and the fear she has of her Family's very likely rejection on our arrangement and I understand her concerns for sure, in a since she is in the closet now and has no intention to come out. I'm tired of hiding, I don't want to go out prancing down the street announcing to all that I'm gay but if the question ever came I don't want deny it any more, so that is the issue. I really screw this up, it is all my fault and I will have to pay for not coming out 20 years ago.

    I appreciate everyone's opinions and commentary, that is why I put this out for all to see.
    Thank you.
     
  7. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    we're here for you, JACT! And the reality is that the promise you made was never valid, because a gay man could not make that commitment that you thought you were making. If you decide that you want to stay and raise the kids at any cost, I can understand that. But just remember that is is YOUR decision, not hers. You came out to her, and you can come out to whomever you choose, or not.
     
  8. kindy14

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    Yeah, 20 years ago would have been better for my wife, my adopted son, and me, if I would have come out.

    Should, coulda, woulda... nothing to do about it now.

    Don't feel ashamed for not knowing for sure who you were then.
     
  9. skiff

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    Hmmm...

    So you are staying together to raise kids...

    Have you mentioned that when the children are adults you will be leaving, and she will be spouse shopping in her 50's?

    That seems to be her position. Hmmmm.....
     
  10. Robert

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    From my own personal experience, couples who stay together just for the sake of their kids usually end up damaging those kids even more.

    But your situation seems different maybe. So I have no real advice.

    Does she know that you're going to leave her after the kids grow up?
     
  11. Weston

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    My kids were already grown when I came out, so I have no personal insight here, but it seems to me that lots of couples — gay, straight and mixed orientation — somehow manage to successfully raise their kids while living apart.
     
  12. S0apB0x

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    I am going to give you perspective from a child that was raised by parents who forced themselves to stay together. It may not have been because of sexual orientation, but they have told me before that the only reason why they are together is because they don't believe in divorce. and let me tell you It hasn't gone well. It certainly damaged my childhood, and I couldn't trust either of them. They would act one way to our faces, then at night, behind the closed doors i could hear the tension. I used to think that if that was how love was supposed to be, i didn't want it. I learned to grow untrusting of any relationship. Any love advice my parents gave, i denied and ended up doing a lot of things i regretted. I broke the promise ring my father gave me, just to spite him...I said hateful things to them. Would scream and cry. Hate when they would say "we are doing what we do because we love you". You love me? What the HELL is LOVE if you act this way? You certainly don't know what LOVE is... Of course. My arguments were childish and invalid. But as a child growing up it is what i saw. Now that i am in my 20s and moved away i realize it is much much much more complicated than what i thought it was. My best advice is to be honest with your children. You love their mother, and this love gave them to you. This love isn't going away, but it isn't what it used to be. You can go as far into depth with them as you wish. You can tell them that you are indeed gay, depending on their age. But i think you need to live for yourself. You can incorporate them into your life if that is what you and your wife agree upon. They deserve a father. But i don't think you should hide that your gay from the world. If you decide to stay with your wife, you need to be prepared to answer the questions that may follow. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavors. All the love.. <3
     
  13. sighnomore

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    It's so easy for other people to tell us to just be someone we aren't. It keeps them in their comfort zone and makes their life easy. They don't have to adjust or change. But it slowly destroys the person who is pretending. You only get one life. I think it's worth you living it as the person you want to be. Other people will just have to be uncomfortable with that. It's not easy for anyone but it's the right thing to do.
     
  14. skiff

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    Hi,

    As stated earlier...

    Nobody can force you to live their denial, you have to choose to.

    Life is choices and taking responsibility for your choices. Choose wisely. Choose happiness.
     
  15. paris

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    I somewhat see coming out as an act of love, when you want to be open and honest with people and want include them fully in your life. It's quite sad when people around you see it as an act of betrayal, embarrassment or whatever negative. (*hug*)
     
  16. JACT

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    Many good points and advice, I'm grateful to all, it was not easy to get to this point and it wont be easy from here on out, but I will keep going forward and you all are contributing with encouragement and wisdom that I value very much,

    Thank you.