met somebody but he is HIV+...

I give him huge credit for being honest and telling you about it from the outset. He could have shied away from the subject and dropped a bombshell weeks or months down the line, but he has chosen to tell you now and that is a big deal. On this measure alone, he is a decent guy.

Can fully understand your reservations, but it is definitely possible to have a great relationship with someone who is HIV+, providing you are both sensible. If I were single I would be happy to date someone who is HIV+. I'd obviously prefer them to be negative, but it would never be a deal breaker for me.

You might find this information useful. It's from a UK website, but the information is totally reliable (Terrence Higgins Trust is a respected HIV/Aids charity): When your partner is HIV negative | Terrence Higgins Trust

 

Since he's been open with you, I wouldn't quite close the door on him yet. I'd ask him about his treatment etc. as people treated successfully can have such a low level of the virus it's undetectable (it's still there, once you've had confirmation of HIV it's with you forever), so should the worst happen and the condom breaks there's a very low risk of it being passed onto you. But that does depend on his treatment and bloods.

 

If he is on his medication and his viral loads are untraceable, the risks are extremely low so long as you use proper protection whether condoms or pills. If he is a great guy, focus on that. Opportunities to meet somone great are not a dime a dozen. Take advantage of the the opportunity and see where it goes!

 

I met someone who is HIV+ (with a preference for bottoming) who was in such a "serodiscordant" relationship for 8 years before PrEP was available. There was never any problem, condoms were always used, and he was always on his meds and followed up regularly to confirm that his viral load was kept to undetectable levels.

The risks are very low in such circumstances provided there is no compromise in condom use, ever; PrEP is an added layer of protection, but it isn't essential.

Recent studies do suggest that some gay couples are not using condoms, with the idea that an undedectable viral load is sufficient protection. This study demonstrates that there is a lot of misinformation.

The conclusion is that HIV status, by itself is not necessarily a problem, but all the other factors (including possible ill health on the positive partner's part), stigma, the possibility of not using a condom, etc. might make the relationship a little more complicated.

Where it complicates matters also is that when the relationship becomes more real, there is always the question in the back one's mind as to whether, despite all the precautions, some random event could cause transmission. This could cause a significant amount of anxiety. The other issue is that you may decide to stay in the relationship longer than you would if he were negative so as not to appear prejudiced against him, and vice versa, you may leave what could turn out to be a great relationship because the anxiety is too great.

Open and honest discussion is the best way to deal with these potential land mines. Hell, who said relationships were easy? But for the right person, it may well be worth the trouble...

 

Whether or not to use PrEP should not be a question of affordability (though of course, it often is). You might want to check what the circumstances are in your state. Here in Washington State, PrEP is available to all at no cost, regardless of insurance status, through a government program to limit HIV transmission.

Personally, I prefer to have sex with someone who is HIV-positive and reliably undetectable over someone who tells me they are negative or "don't know." I treat all negatives as potentially positive (because of the window of opportunity for transmission, which is as much as 3 months for the finger-stick test). That means I use a condom and/or PrEP. Again, and this is only me, I regard having sex with a positive partner who is undetectable and me on PrEP as virtually bulletproof. YMMV.

---------- Post added 24th Mar 2015 at 09:42 AM ----------

For more information about PrEP, including how to pay for it, you might take a look at https://www.facebook.com/groups/PrEPFacts/
Many of the commentators are healthcare professionals.

 

well, I have 2 friends who both tested positive several weeks ago. I'm one of the few male friends who they haven't had an issue with. Most of their so-called friends are dropping contact like flies. They are being very open about it, and of course, they're tyging to make sure they inform all their past hookups.

I wouldn't have a problem with safe sex with someone that was HIV+ I went and got tested, negative. I'll do it again in 3-6 months (want to get my boyfriend in for regular testing too.)

 

I think HIV+ is--frankly--not something I could deal with. Yes, I know intellectually there are ways of dealing with the situation that would result in significantly reduced risk of transmission. I know that if I did catch it, the outlook is a lot better than it was 30 years ago. Etc.

But...I grew up during the 1980s, and the AIDS crisis left a huge mark on me. Emotionally, I just don't think I have evolved to the point where I could deal with HIV+ partner.

Past this, even if carefully controlled, there is a risk of transmission, however small. And while treatment options have improved, my preferred option for any disease is "avoid the problem in the first place."

But...at the same time, I won't say "absolutely NO!" It would be a tough sell, but if a fabulous, once in a lifetime guy came along...well...I might--might--possibly reconsider.

---------- Post added 24th Mar 2015 at 03:37 PM ----------

To give an idea of how much impact the AIDS crisis had:

In the mid-1990s, my mother needed a blood transfusion, and the possibility of HIV was a huge worry. Even though by that point they had safeguards (e.g. testing) to reduce the risk of HIV transmission. And even though at the time her health was already pretty hopeless (Stage IV cancer).

HIV is also probably one factor that fueled my years of denying to myself I'm gay.

 

If I was concerned about taking a risk, I would not get in a plane, in a car, on a boat, workout at the gym, cross the street, ride a bike, etc etc etc. everything has risks. In this day and age, with proper precautions, the risks are mnimizwd just as other ordinary risks are. I grew up in the 80's, but this 2015. Society, technology and circumstances evolve. If the gay community can not even get behind those with HIV, how can others get behind the gay community?

 

there is always a risk/reward involved in every move you make. ultimately it boils down to what you wanna do..if you feel that rewards are far greater than the risk then you will do it..sometimes doing the old fashioned way writing down the pros and cons next to each other helps..if we just look at the pros and cons separately we might not get the clear picture.

 

As long as he takes care of himself, I don't see any problems.

Most people have Hepatitis, but nobody asks about THAT, much less tells other people about it.

 

Friends? Yes. I would not do a disappearing act because of it.

More than friends? No. I go through bouts of hypochondria (seemingly together with anxiety attacks) as it is, so a situation like this could easily set those off. I would dwell on it way too much.

And, yes, I would appreciate that the person is this honest. As for men who are testing positive for the first time in their middle aged years, I sort of scratch my head and wonder how this came to be when there is so much information on how the virus is transmitted.

 

Tightrope's comment reminds me I probably should have said that being friends with someone with HIV is OK. Where I'd have problems are with a sexual relationship.

Also I've had my moments of hypochondria, too, and I think dating someone with HIV might make that...problematic.