We go over the same ground, I can't explain how I feel, or what I want to be, or do with my life... but I know it don't include her. I don't feel comfortable around her, like anything I say is likely to trigger her. Very anxiety ridden. I don't think of her, hardly at all. I moved on years ago, in spirit. And I can never think of answers on the spot. I need time to mull over a response. What was lacking in my love for her? ...... :rolle: ...... :icon_redf ...... :dry: ...... :icon_sad: ..... :help: ..... Driving home.... passion. that is what I faked all these years. That's what was lacking in my heart. I'll go :tears: now
Passion was always missing from my relationship with my wife. I love her and she's a good friend but I was never in love and never felt passion. However, this I always knew and felt it was my choice to be in a marriage without passion which I why I always feel guilty. I knew I didn't feel it and married her anyway. I've been in therapy for ever and I generally like to go because I talk about things I would never talk about with anyone, as my mind goes into the darkest places. But, I dumped my therapist of 16 years fairly recently and sought out a gay therapist. I am now on maybe gay therapist 5 or 6. But, he's pretty top notch, smart and challenging and hangs in there with me; it ain't always fun.
Good therapy sucks. It sounds like you have a therapist who is gently holding your feet to the fire. I know exactly what that feels like, and it isn't fun. It can really hurt realizing that you've been inauthentic with yourself (not to mention your wife) all these years, and even more when you realize that if you've been doing it long enough, you even fool yourself. At the same time, it sounds like you've had a pretty major breakthrough. That, too, will take time to assimilate and really let sink in. But it sounds like you're already on your way, and that's awesome!
Thanks everyone, I have to write my parents and my sister. There's no way I can see them right now. And I want to be able to be more open on my social media. Everything you say is true there Chip. I've been the one jumping out of the plane without a parachute, or my favorite, throwing my life into a wood chipper...
Brother, you sound like me in 10 years of therapy, talking in circles, getting blamed for everything, not being able to articulate your thoughts fast enough..... all i can say is in my experience, getting out was the best thing for my mental health. it even allowed me to relax enough that i could come out to myself. and now to all who matter. good luck (*hug*)
Liked arturoenrico comment and analysis about passion. I've had girlfriends before but never could figure out what was missing. They'd figure it out though, I could see it in their anger.
Wow... great thread. I believe I've now spent the equivalent of half of a new car on my therapist over the last 2 years. But, you know, he holds my feet to the fire...and although he is as heterosexual as they come, he has been able to navigate me to a place of feeling passion like I've never been before... I dance to music, I fantasize over the men I see, I enjoy my body (for myself, so far), and it's awesome. It's been and continues to be hard...but amazing. I'm still with my wife, but time is limited....I'm alive like I've never been...it's amazing. I get to say and feel things in therapy/counselling that I can only think about in my head the rest of the time. It makes it real.
