Hi Everyone, never thought I'd be 40 and still wondering about my sexual orientation. If anyone can shed light or share their thoughts on this I'd greatly appreciate it. As a child and teenager I had crushes on boys mostly and an occasional crush on a girl. After graduating from college I broke up with my boyfriend at the time after I found out he had cheated on me. Then I started dating a girl who I had met in a chatroom online through a LGBT website. We got along great in chat but thought we were just platonic friends. But when we met for the first time sparks flew like the 4th of July. I was intensely attracted to her. After a couple of hours at the bar we were making out. And after a few more dates we got into a relationship that lasted about 8 months. She was my first girlfriend so I was very sexually curious. At first it was pretty intense and exciting, but after 2-3 month I completely lost sexual interest in her in spite of us tring toy to "liven things up". The relationship dragged on for several more months mostly because she wanted to stay together and for me it was nice to have someone around. However, we no longer had sex because I had lost the desire. I was 27 when all this happened and haven't dated any women since. Over the years I've only hooked up with or dated men. My last relationship was 7 years ago with a guy who I also broke up with after he cheated on me. In my entire life I have had 2 boyfriends and each lasted no more than 3 months. The relationship with the girl is the longest one I've had to date. In between these relationships I keep falling for unavailable men who already had girlfriends or who were not interested in me. The interesting thing through all this is that when I dated the girl (and one other girl prior to her) it was so easy. We dated and slipped into a relationship like you do into a cozy pair of slippers. With men I feel like I am always struggling--tring to make it work, trying to make sure I don't blow it, trying to present myself well, trying to get him to like me, trying to get him to commit, etc. I heard that when it's right it's effortless. When it's wrong it's an uphill battle. Does getting into a relationship so easily with the two women I had dated indicate that I may be lesbian? or is it that women just tend to be more comfortable entering relationships than men? Once, after my girlfriend and I had a fight, we made up and the make up kiss was unbelievable. It felt so intense emotionally, like a mixture of pain, happiness, relief, and raw emotion. I have never felt this way when kissing a man. I also get along better in general with women than with men--a stronger emotional connection for some reason. I occasionally look at porn and for some reason the videos that turn me on the most are two girls with penises having sex (yes, it's a bizarre new genre). After that I like straight porn, then gay porn, and last is lesbian porn (in this order). So, does it sound like I am lesbian, bi, or straight?
Hi, Maybe it is not confusion but rather lack of self acceptance and denial. Look in the mirror, what color are your eyes? Can you deny the color or reject yourself because you wish the color was different? Just a thought.
I totally get what you are going through. I struggle with understanding my sexuality and I am the same age. Also, sexuality is a continuum and not one of three categories. You don't have to label yourself. Why don't you try to date a woman? Seems like you could give it a shot again.
OK hears my two cents. I recommend the book: Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. I have a tendency to analyze matters and this book helped me understand human behavior to some degree. (it's also a blast to show the cover when in a coffee shop......man the heads do turn) The first half is slow (my opinion) but the second half is wonderful. When you write, ~"he cheated on me" the book addresses this. Reading between the lines: In my novice opinion I'm sensing a possible issues with men. Is there a possible situation during your childhood involving men? (hey, I'm a analysis kind of guy, remember?) Have you ever thought about therapy? To close: I'm 100% amazed how sexuality suppression effects people. I had absolute know idea I might be gay until my mom died, then the flood gates opened up and my my identity came pouring out. Good luck
I understand less and less as I get older and thus get more confused. Despite the fact that I now call myself gay, I don't know exactly what that means or I mean. I used to believe that I really understood things and particularly myself, but I've realized recently, I'm lost. ---------- Post added 27th Mar 2015 at 04:14 PM ---------- So, I think it's an advantage to know at 40 that you're confused so by the time you get to my age, hopefully you'll understand something
Hi, no-one can answer that question except yourself. You will find the answer, I think, as you open up to the acceptance that whether you are gay, bisexual or straight, that any of these options are perfectly fine. That's how it happened for me, anyway. Deep down I don't actually like labels and classifications at all...I mean, who cares 'what we are?' How about just living life with the knowledge that whoever you feel natural attraction for, whether male female or otherwise, that it's all ok? Maybe as a now 'confirmed' bisexual it's easier for me to live like this, but I do think that once we accept that *any* orientation is equally valid, we can let go of worrying about 'which' one we happen to be. Furthermore, porn watching preferences are not a reliable indicator of actual sexual orientation. In my case, I can only seem to 'get off' on gay porn, but in the 'real world' I experience attraction to both guys and girls fairly equally.
Hi Brainwashed, Yes, you're very observant. I grew up with a father who had sexually abused me from a young age. I've had serious trust issues with men all my life and finally overcame some of them when I developed a genuine friendship with a male coworker as an adult. I don't know how this impacts my ability to have relationships with men but probably hasn't helped--that much I know. I have been in therapy--over 5 years total with different therapists with mixed results. I should probably look around for a better therapist. These problems might be too complex to be able to find easy solutions at an online forum...
I can relate. I'm 40 and just coming out as gay. I agree with the many thoughts above. I know for me, once I admitted to my family I was molested and the more I dealt with those dark emotions aloud, I've started to deal with ALL my feelings as a sexual person. I was (am) repressed in many ways. I've yet to be in a romantic relationship with a woman. I had some boyfriends but didn't lose my virginity until I was 29. Though out high school and college I was always more comfortable being around the girls who were rumored to be gay or out as gay. (Not a lot of girls were out in the 90s.) I always felt more comfortable emotionally opening up with women, I'm shy but I'll never forget the women I've liked. The conversations we had. The men, I didn't want to give them anything emotionally. I've had sexual relationships with two men each relationship lasted a year or less. I was likely in denial even though I was questioning myself since college. My impression from your story is that you lean towards women. Don't feel the need to label yourself. Don't worry about that. I can't speak to the part of why your sex life dwindled. I've not been there. But your intense feelings reminds me of my strong feelings for women I've know, (at least three) while the men I've actually dated, I felt like I was pretending. I would be on dates and think to myself "doesn't everyone see, I am gay." But I couldn't "come out." I wasn't ready in my 20s or 30s. Took me a long time. I was suppressing many feelings of anger and sadness from my entire life. Sine I've begun to deal with those through therapy and feel my sexuality is developing. Also, I don't think it matters what turns you on when watching porn either. I like straight porn, gay porn, and also last- lesbian porn.
I am 41 and have recently decided that I am bisexual. However I have never dated a woman. I am married to a supportive bisexual husband. I would date both genders and just have fun!
So, does it sound like I am lesbian, bi, or straight? Might be more complex than those 3 choices. I would suggest taking the Kinsey scale test. It's at a number of websites, just google it. Basically, 1-Exclusively straight, 2-Mostly straight, incidentally homosexual, 3-Equally homosexual/straight, 4. Mostly homosexual, 5.Exclusively homosexual. I've gone from 1 to 2 to 3 over the last six months or so.
