1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Come out or seperate?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jrockcold, Mar 27, 2015.

  1. Jrockcold

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2015
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ithaca, ny
    Just wondering everybody's take on this.

    Would it be easier for everyone involved if for now I just asked my wife for separation and maybe come out to her sometime down the road when we have moved on?

    I know that staying with her just wouldn't be right. She deserves the chance to be happy and I don't believe I can give that to her on all levels. I love her dearly and we fit together so well in so many ways. We were great friends for many years before we started dating and she and her family helped me through some very tough times. I think because of that I owed it to everyone to just get married and raise a family. But as I am getting older the feeling inside of me are getting harder and harder to suppress.

    I am mostly worried about my kids if I come out to her. If she doesn't take it well she very well may out me to all of her family and our friends. It will hurt me but I can deal with it if I have to. My kids are a different story. I'm very protective of them and even the though of them hurting brings tears to my eyes. We live in a small homophobic town and I don't want my sexual orientation hurting them. I know kids are resilient, but as someone who was a victim of constant bullying as a kid I can tell you it hurts more then people want to admit and you never really recover from it.

    Thanks
     
  2. tscott

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2013
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Rochester, NY
    This is such an extremely personal issue.

    First you need to be told that putting your children first is admirable. I would have thought Ithaca would be one of the more tolerant small cities. It would be helpful to know how old your children are. I can only tell you that my experience with my children is that the divorce was a much bigger deal than Daddy being gay.

    I came out to my wife first. I felt that I needed to be upfront as to what was going on. Surely, in my estimation, not telling her would be more hurtful. Let me make it clear, I am still very much in love with my ex. If I asked for a divorce, she would want to know why. She would be owed an honest explanation. It was a difficult thing to tell, and I'm sure a difficult thing to hear after 25 years of marriage. We went through mediation rather than engage attorneys. Lawyers are by nature confrontational. My ex is very pragmatic; if we can reach an agreement let's do this quickly and cheaply. How your wife will react I cannot predict, however, I believe the honorable thing to do is to let her know honestly why you're seeking a separation.

    Your wife will probably tell her family immediately, but that's to be expected. A marriage is ending there are going to be questions. It is going to be a loss for both of you. It is doubtful she would do anything that might be harmful to the children. We told our children together what was happening, so that they would know that the divorce had absolutely nothing to do with them. It also closed the door on the expectation that somehow we'd reunite. My children were 20, 17, and 11 at the time.

    My youngest has a friend who has two mommies. We met with the people at her school to explain what was going on and to head off any idle gossip that might hurt her. My middle child has Asperger's and attends a private school. We did the same, and again there was no issue. Neither has experienced any bullying as a result of my coming out. I cannot guarantee that this would be the case with your children.

    I truly believe be honest is the best way to go. I believe you would hurt your wife more by not telling her, if your relationship is good. If your relationship is not currently amicable, then maybe you'd be better off waiting until after you separate. I still think you might piss her off more, this is never a good situation.

    I would seriously consider seeing a counselor together to work toward an amicable divorce, or as amicable as any divorce can be.

    Good luck to you in whatever you decide. Remember we're here to support you.
     
  3. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As tscott said, this is a very personal issue. I actually posted something very similar to this close to 2 years ago. I was debating divorcing my wife, moving out and living quietly as an out gay man somewhere other than our quiet suburban town, or telling her and letting the chips fall where they might. I really didn't like the idea of the dishonesty that I perceived as being a part of divorcing her without a reason why. Our relationship has been difficult for many years, but I've always tried to be honest with her.

    What finally made the decision for me was money. At the time, I didn't see any way to split without uprooting the kids, selling the house, etc. so I figured the best I could do was to tell her at some point, and see what happened. In my case, it was quick and rather ugly, but my wife is dependent and needy enough that she realized how big an issue it would be if I left. The result was that basically nothing changed, except for an added level of hostility (although again, things were strained between us already anyhow). She was mortified and felt that the news would reflect badly on her, and kept it all inside (which actually got a bit frustrating for me, since I really did want to start a slow creep in the direction of being out and living a more honest life). I told my oldest (16 at the time), and she was completely accepting. I told the youngest (13 at the time) a few months later, and she didn't have much to say, but she's been accepting as well.

    The unexpected and unintended punch line was that I struck up a friendship with another guy on EC from my part of the world, which moved quickly into something more, and we met in person a little over a year ago and are very much in love with one another. His wife had a dramatically different reaction and asked for an immediate divorce, and their financial situation enabled that to happen without any drastic change in the kids' lives. They're pre-teens and don't know the story behind the split yet. But his presence in my life made me much more interested in moving things along, and we've found what looks like a workable way to split without a complete divorce, so I can move in with him reasonably soon without us having to sell the house immediately. You can get very creative with the right prize in mind! My relationship with him became public sooner than I expected (a neighbor somehow saw us having lunch together 30 miles from home, and it was clear it was more than a friendly get-together). That helped push things along as well, and outed me much more quickly than I or my wife had planned.

    It's been difficult and stressful experience, but I haven't regretted it. The vast majority of people I've told have been neutral or supportive, and my relationship confirmed in a big way that I did the right thing. I knew I was gay, but under different circumstances I might very well have made my straight marriage work forever. I realize now how much I would have been missing if I had done that. I'm very happy I can be honest with myself now, and even happier that I have someone to love in a way I never really expected to. Think about who you are and who your wife is, and you may find a way in your heart to make it work. It's not a pleasant experience but the end result is worth it.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    From my experience, I came out to my spouse first, then we waited until the kids were done with school and we told them. As other said, my kids were more concerned about the divorce than the prospects of their dad being gay. The process, however you choose, is lengthy and emotional. Personally, I considered your suggestion for a period of time but concluded that would have only drawn out the time and pain for everyone.
     
  5. arturoenrico

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2012
    Messages:
    479
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well I came out to my wife but I didn't want to separate but she asked me to leave. In any event, she really know the truth about me anyway. I can't imagine any conversation about breaking up a marriage and separating would not involve an intense discussion about "why." If you don't come out, what would you answer? If you didn't tell her then that you were gay, whatever you tell her, after she asks "why" will not really be truthful, or fully truthful. If you tell her, the two of you together can make a decision about the best way to tell the kids. And, I agree that usually the kids care more about the split up than the sexuality.
     
  6. Bmw

    Bmw Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2015
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Jackson, MS
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I came out to my wife about a month ago. I also, like some of the others, thought that honesty was the way to start the process. I can't tell you if it is the right way or not but I can tell you it is very difficult to deal with all the emotions that go with it. But from talking to others it will be that way either way you go about it. The problem I had is much like tscott, without a reason, it would not have made sense - we did not fight and it would have been out of the blue with too many unanswered questions. The only real way to control your own destiny is to be truthful. We all have lived a lie so long that we continue to try and cover it with more lies. Despite how hard it is, it feels great to not have to lie anymore. There is no risk of exposure cause there is nothing to expose anymore. Last bit of advice though, don't tell her unless you are ready for other people to know because, you don't get the opportunity to choose who she tells -- but mine only told her mother and sister. My kids don't know anything yet but from get go we have agreed to do what is best for them.