One year ago today, I gathered up the courage to tell someone what I was most afraid to say out loud, that I 'think I am gay.' I said think, because that was all I had done, having never acted on a desire, and so afraid of even the possibility. I don't know why I spoke up. Deep down, I felt so alone , afraid and ashamed. I didn't want to hold it in. It was tearing me apart. The person was compassionate and understanding. And afterwards, I did not feel alone.i made a decision to tell my wife. At the time I only wanted to be able to face this part of myself. I hoped and believed we would be able to stay together. I could not have imagined how much my life could change in one year. If I knew, I probably would have held it in. And I think it would have destroyed me from the inside, as it was already doing. I cannot go back and change it. And I do not want to. But it is hard. And there is so much grief. But there are also signs of new life emerging. And every time I look back, it is clear that a door has closed behind me. And so it held to look forward. I still cannot imagine what my life will look like. Or even what I will be like. Who will I be if I am finally free to be me?
You are always free to be you. You allow others to dictate your life, when they actually have no authority to do so. They don't allow YOU to dictate THEIR lives, do they? Why would you let them dictate YOUR life? I tell them what they can go do to themselves, which is probably what they do anyway, so it wouldn't be anything new to them. When you allow others to dictate your life, you give them power over you......power which they have no right to have. Remove that power and take it as your own, which is where it belongs.
I am glad that coming out has helped you feel more authentic, etc. It's good for me to know that and see it in other people because I haven't yet begun to feel hopeful about the benefits of "coming out" and breaking up my marriage and family; I also can't imagine that I could go back now but I actually wish I could. I identify with the grief you mention. It's hard to be mostly alone after never being alone. Still working on that last question you pose, "who will I be..."