I'm in my late 50's and completely isolated and alone. I literally have no friends, my parents are deceased and I'm not particularly close emotionally to my siblings. Since I'm recently retired, I spend all my time at home reading, watching tv, playing with my cats, or tooling around on the pc. The phone never rings (except for telemarketers) and weeks pass where my only brief human encounters are with the cashier at a grocery or other store. Although I've known for pretty much all my life, I've never come out to anyone, had a relationship or even a sexual encounter. I pretty much resigned myself to a life of solitude as I don't even know anyone who is gay. I can't imagine going into a gay bar and frankly, at this point in my life, I'm not even looking for sex, so meet-up apps like ****** are not for me. Also, I have to confess to more than a little discomfort about being out to anyone. When I was growing up, it was definitely not ok to be gay and that was reinforced in my home. Surely people who know me must know or suspect since, as I said, I've never been in any kind of relationship or even dated anyone and although I'm not overtly gay (you know what I mean), I'm not exactly Mr. Macho either! As a kid I was taunted at school and then at home by my sibs so I have very little positive experience concerning the subject. While the media landscape has improved for gays, there is still so much homophobia out there. As I write this, for example, Indiana has just passed a law allowing discrimination against gays. So I'm wondering if there's any hope for me or am I hopelessly damaged goods. At my age, with no dating experience, no social support and no family support, I don't even know where to begin. Realistically I don't expect much to change for me and the best course of action would probably be to continue pursuing solitary interests and just accept my fate. It's just that the loneliness is crushing sometimes. I would love to have someone to go out to dinner with or maybe a movie or just hang out and shoot the breeze. I've spent my life avoiding the issue and not being real with anyone so I don't have much experience with friendship. I don't even know what to expect here on an online forum. Maybe just some advice or words of encouragement would be helpful. Sorry if I've rambled on and thanks for reading this.
Hi there, I know the feeling (*hug*) I'm 37 and I have never had a relationship or sex with anyone. I'm bisexual but I only fancy gay or bi men, and as for the girls I have only just come out to myself, having also had a very homophobic home life and homophobic friends as well when I was younger! I like being single too but I am also scared about being lonely in the future. But for what it's worth, you sound like a really nice guy, certainly not "damaged goods" (*hug*) You know how to have a caring relationship, as you are a cat owner like me, and my best relationship is with my cats too! I hope one day we can both find the right people to share our lives with.
You've already have begun. You're reaching out. You're here... that's your first step! I don't have much in way of advice about connecting with real life people. I'm kind of a loner myself. But I CAN tell you it is definitely NOT too late. It'll take some courage, but maybe trying out a PFLAG meeting near you would be an excellent start to making some friends who you can be open with.
Hi justme1, It is not just you. There are so many people who are going through the same issues every and each day, including me. I am 32, I was not living by myself before, but started to live that way recently. I am pretty new in this city; my family is very far away from me; the only communication with my co-workers is a polite hi and a bye; I don't have any friends who can at least check me if I am doing OK or not. And I have not talked about my search for an intimacy. I have not date with a guy so far; I only had couple of platonic relationships which came to an end as soon as there was a confession by me. I did not go to a gay bar yet too. These apps are not helping as well: even if I initiate just a communication with 1-2 guys through these apps, either it goes nowhere, or I find myself in a sexual role debate that I need to bear (top/bottom/versatile), as if this is my priority. But even if there are such instances, I do not stop to hope. The search for whatever you are looking for should continue, but it requires action one way or the other. If you read other people's posts, you would realize that there are so many people like you, like us. As Outlier said, if you are here, it is an action, and you should find other ways of actions to have a change rather than accepting things as it is. You do not need to start with huge changes, but play with your comfort zone in little pieces, and do not judge the results so quickly if they are not as you expected. I also like reading, watching movies, which are mostly happening at home by myself. Here was my little change: rather than reading at home, I go to small cafes around my apartment for a chance that I can communicate with people. The other thing is meetups. I hang around with people according to my interests, and sometimes find nice people who can keep the communication at least for a second time. I hope this would give you some encouragement and hope for even little changes.
Hi Folks Just a quick note to let you know it’s never too late. I didn’t start to realise I was gay until my mid-40s and it took until my early-50s to actually admit to myself I was gay and a few more years to come out to others including my wife. I thought I was too old to start down a new path but I joined a local support group for newly out gay guys, most of who are in their 20s and 30s, but I have been pleasantly surprised at how an older guy was accepted. Even though I’m older that most of the group the issues I face in understanding who I am are very similar to my younger friends and we have much to talk about. I would encourage you to find a local support group if you can and don’t worry about any age difference, it’s also likely that the organisers of such a group may be older that the members who they are trying to help and you may find something in common with them. SGG
Ouch.. could almost have written your post - except for the cats part. Sadly, I desperately want cats but my apartment is not suitable .. I just smooch any local cats in my neighbourhood. I think nobody is 'damaged goods' ... you have just walked a particular path. There is a lot you can do to change things that is not scary - or too late - and neither one extreme or another. That is to slightly work on your social network in gradual steps. Isolation is basically bad news for mental and physical health. I think there are a lot of men like you who would just be happy sharing time in an activity group if you can find one. In a non-sexual/ non-competitive environment. Over here, for example, there are gay mens hiking groups where ages range from 30-70. And all you do is walk and chat and make friends. Similarly other activity groups for gay men 'later in life' can be found if you google hard enough. It all rather depends upon what your population centres are like where you live. And how far you would have to travel to attend a group. There may be "meet up" groups in your area Find your people - Meetup Another thing you could try are some week-long gay men's courses that specifically work with your age group and may be a gentle way of exploring your current position in life. If nothing else, you could develop a social network of straight people by taking on new activities or hobbies. Cycling, painting, theatre whatever. That will introduce you to more people who are likely to be gay or bi or closeted. Have you thought of some therapy to unscramble all the thoughts and get to understand your patterns ? That may also help move you on in an interesting way. Frankly, talking to cats is great but I sense it is not what your soul is yearning for - or what drove you to make your post. Stick around on EC. A lot of people here to share ideas with in the meantime. And if the cats are talking back to you … you definitely need to do something - and fast !!
Welcome, justme1! Thank you for reaching out -- you've found a good place to share your thoughts and feelings. Lots of great folks here who listen well and offer wise advice. I'm sorry your journey is difficult and lonely right now, but it's not hopeless. In addition what others have said so far, try signing up for newsletters and emails from LGBT centers and meetup groups near you to get a sense of some of the activities they offer -- maybe something will appeal to you and help you take those first few baby steps. I know it's daunting, but don't give up. Each step forward -- no matter how small -- is a celebration. Good to meet you, and thanks for joining us.
Damaged goods? You are not damaged goods, you are a 50+ year old virgin with no bruises or scars from relationships gone bad. You don't need to sit and wait for the phone to ring, you can dial someone on it proactively. It is not your "fate"; the results you are experiencing are caused by your not taking action to go out and find some friends. Whether it is at a gay bar, or at a support group of some kind, or a local gym, or in some kind of sports activities, there are other people out there who are also looking to meet people, or at least who will respond to people who are trying to meet them. You can start online by looking for a Meetup group in your area that is doing something you are willing to try to do; you don't necessarily have to start out with a "date" as your first introduction to somebody; you can get to know them first by doing the same things they are doing, whether it is bike riding, dancing, singing in a choir, shooting pool, swimming, working out at a gym, etc etc. You DO need to get out of the house and start doing things; nobody is going to knock on your door and ask you out to dinner, but they might accept a dinner date from you if you ask them.
Let's see here.... Re finding social groups for gay men who are later in life: One such organization is Prime Timers - a national organization for older gay men. I imagine each chapter is a bit different, but the one my husband and I belong to does monthly meetings with guest speakers, potlucks, both at member's homes and elsewhere, movie nights, museum tours, lunch and/or dinners out at local restaurants/other venues on a rotating schedule, a booth at the local Pride festival, and so on. Member ages range from mid-40s (that would be me) to north of 80 I believe. You can find the national organization and your local chapter (if there is one) online. Believe me that many of the guys in this group have been around when being gay was vastly less acceptable than it is now and will be able to totally relate to your experience on that front. They certainly won't see you as damaged goods. If your fitness level is up to it, you might also join a gym, or a running group, or sports team (there are LGBT sports teams and leagues for most sports you can think of, depending on where you are). On a more general note - although the first focus for meeting people might naturally be looking to the LGBT community (and I certainly encourage you to do that), based on what you've written you are currently leading a very solitary life on all fronts and are looking to change that. I would suggest that, in addition to seeking out options for socializing with other LGBT people, that you look into options for just socializing in general. Meetup.com has been mentioned (and includes both LGBT and straight interest groups), but in addition to them you might look to volunteer at any of various worthwhile causes (foodbank, animal shelter, environmental groups, political campaigns, etc.), or (if you are of a religious mind), at one of the LGBT friendly denominations such as the Episcopal Church or Unitarian Universalists. While such groups may not be explicitly LGBT, some can be LGBT friendly, and any of them will get you out of the house, meeting new people, and often having something going on in the evening or on a weekend. Hope this helps, Todd
Thank you all for the thoughtful and encouraging replies. You have given me much food for thought and I will check out the meetup and prime timers sites. I know everything you've written is sound advice and I do intend to follow through. I'll post back when there's something to report. Bingostring, don't worry about the cats talking back; they do so all the time. Sadly, I'm not very conversant in "Felinese" so most of what they say goes right over my head (except for "it's time to eat" and "treats, please")!
you're out to us, and you're out to yourself, which is the really big victoryl You're definitely not damaged goods, so if you want to have a social life just get out there, anywhere, and get to know people. and if for whatever reason you don't want to do that, that's fine as long as that is your choice. human contact and something of a social life can be important for some of us, for keeping us sane and balanced. but not everybody is the same. good luck with whatever path you choose, and never hesitate to connect with us on EC.
all the suggestions are great...you can also find volunteer activities/events locally at volunteermatch.org.. what you have in life is just today and now so just focus on that.. good luck
Hey Justme1, welcome to EC. too late, hmmmm, i sure hope not. im 48 and just coming out now. i sure hope it isnt too late to find friends, love, partners in crime..... you say your on the east coast, i assume of the US. if it's Canada get to a full member and message me. im in Newfoundland, if your on the rock too, we could meet for coffee and compare notes on how to find people. in any case, lots of friendly people here, have you tried looking up your local PFLAG chapter? they usually have regular support meetings and its a good chance to meet people in simular boats as you. just to add, im not hitting on you just offering friendship, we can always use friends.
looking for me, Not in Canada but certainly would have loved some coffee! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who waited so long to move forward and I'm glad to hear you're finding your way as well. Here's wishing us both good luck! I've been looking into some of the resources mentioned here and will add user199's suggestion to my list as well. This forum has been a great find!
Hi, I suffer in a similar way. Not one friend (in the sense of, someone to hang out with). I have a mentor or two, nice neighbours, but that's it. Ah, loneliness is distressful sometimes. More due to the feeling of being unloved, than the actual experience of being alone all the time, in my opinion. Try to appreciate the good things you have in your life, and be patient with the bad. That's what I'm trying to do. Plus, surely there are a few activities, either sporting or otherwise, that might interest you enough to get you to join some kind of club or something in which you could at least meet a few like-minded folks regularly, and who knows maybe a friendship could spring from that. I know that is what I ought to do, but in my case it's hard to take that first step, because I seem to have become a bit attached to the perception of myself as 'unlikeable' to others, and so I need to work on that a bit. I wish you well with this challenging situation.
