Hi all. Sorry if my english is not perfect. That is because i live in Iceland and english is not my first language I would like to get advice from you if you could be so nice. I am 53 years old and have been married for 30 years and i have always sort of known that I where bisexual. When I was 21 i met my husband and became very much in love with him. We married and had two kids. Now our kids have grown up. Before I got married when i was teenager I had experienced that I was in love with my best friend a girl but I ignored that because it was not appropriate. I also where in love with boys. After I married over the years these feelings that I love women have come over me more often. I think that women are better looking. I am always more fond of the female actor in movies. I am sometimes staring at women and adoring them. I dream about kissing women and making out with them. But I have always put this down in the closet and telling my self that this was some sort of madness. Two month ago I met this 43 years old woman who is straight. She was working for me taking photographs. She started to tell me about her problem in marriage and completely opened herself to me and said it was something about me that made her want to tell me everything. She also told me that she had never been in love with a man even though she is married. She married her husband because he loved her. She is very sweet and good looking and and also a sort of dynamic cool. The second time we met and worked together and had a conversation I fell completely in love with her. I could not eat or sleep. And I am still very upset about her. Always thinking about her. Looking at her facebook site and dreaming about her. I created opportunities for more photography work just to be with her. I asked her if she would be my friend and she said yes. I had daydreams about us traveling together and living together. Im trying hard not to phone her to often. I have no interest in my husband anymore. But I am trying very hard not to show my feelings towards her and also not letting my husband see how i feel. I gave her though a hint about my feelings a month ago but then I turned it into a joke. Then couple days ago she phoned me and said that she was divorcing her husband and that he was gone completely mad because he does not want a divorce. She is now only thinking about protecting her children and I understand that very well. I am upset about her situation and like to help her but we have not known each other for so long and she have other friends that she has known longer. Now I feel that she is wanting to see less of me and do not want to talk about these issues with me anymore. Have i scared her away?. So i have decided to leave her alone for some time. But this has opened my eyes about that maybe I am more of a lesbian than I thought and now I have this longing to break free from my marriage. I have decided a date with other woman now who I found in dating site. This woman is interested in women and i like to meet her just to see if i like her. We have not met yet so I really I do not know if i will fancy her. So the questions i ask me these days are. 1. Am I a lesbian?. 2. Do I have a chance with this women that I am so in love with, or is this hopeless? 3. Shall i divorce my husband? or maybe get me a female lover aside the marriage? I know that no one can answer this but me. But I would like your opinion. What do you think?
Hi Gudrun, Thanks for your post. I enjoyed reading it and I think your English is great. I am getting over a very similar situation that occurred with a straight male friend of mine. I had known for a while that I was gay or bisexual but the connection I had with him really awakened a part of me that knew deep down that I really needed to be with a man, whether society or my family accepted me or not. So as for your first question, I don't know that you are definitely lesbian but there are some major signals that you are at the very least not 100% straight. Who knows what your friend is thinking. It's very hard feeling that way about someone else especially when you were never seeking love from that source in the first place. There are certainly signs that she may not be 100% straight but unfortunately that's all you can go off of. If she is unsure it could take her years to accept it. As hard as it sounds, holding out for her will likely only lead to more frustration for you, but if you think you can keep her around as a friend withot your romantic feelings consuming you, I think you should definitely keep her in your life. It must be exquisitely difficult to hide this from your husband. Do you have a trusting and nonjudgmental relationship with him? If he's supportive of you then I would suggest being honest as this will do more to prove your loyalty to him in the long run, if that's what you want. I hope that helps.
Your English is very good. Take a look at this old thread. It might help you organize your thoughts a bit. You are not alone. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html
Dear jnr183 Thank you for your answer. It helped me. I am trying to get my thoughts together. I am going give my friend some time now without me and try to lover my strong feelings for her. But of course I want to keep her in my life if i can. I have to look better into my feelings for women and and see what it leads to. Maybe sooner or later i will know what to do. I hope so
Hi Gudrun, I also had similar crushes with my friends for the last 10 years. At first, I thought that it was for once, so I kept it to myself and focused on the friendship instead of giving a reason to mud the water. He was married, and then I got married; even I convinced myself during that time that "it happened for once which would not repeat". Then I had a crush for another guy, then I slowly accepted that I might be at least bisexual. I came out to him, he was polite and tried to be nice to me, but it never turned into something romantic. I reduced the contact with him by assuming that my romantic feelings would fade later, but it did not. And then, I had a crush for a guy for the third time. I had some problems with my marriage, in all these crushes along with questioning my sexual orientation became so stressful and depressing, I started to see a therapist for a wise way to deal with this situation. I considered it was fair neither for her nor for me. And after these 3 crushes, I convinced myself that I was looking for a guy to be connected, to spend time with, to miss, to love and to share a life with. After 6 months, I came out to my wife. She was in a huge shock first, but accepted the situation after a while. I was psychologically very relieved after I came out to my wife. We are still communicating, she is a very good friend. Coming out to my wife did not happen in one day. For a long time, I was generally testing her with jokes to see how she would react. Coming out to your husband might change the dynamics of your relationship with your husband the same as it happened in mine. The other thing is whether you want this person in your life independent of your sexual orientation. I know it is not that much easy to isolate a marriage from a sexual orientation topic, but that was what i was trying to answer before coming out to my wife. During those days, I was so sure that I was not dreaming the rest of my life with her. Coming to terms about my sexual orientation has also gone through several steps, and I have to admit that I am not still so certain about it. I wrote a blog entry here. It is a long one. You might see my mental shifts from one side to the other within this entry: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...olved-issue-bisexuality-there-back-again.html I hope it would be helpful. Let us know how things are going.
Thank you for telling me this. Yesterday I told my oldest best friend (a woman) about the crush i am having towards this photographer girl. She was very surprised but full of support. It had never occurred to her that I could have such feelings towards other female. Maybe because I am a feminine looking girl myself. Now I feel a a little ashamed but this is still the truth. I am very much in love. My heart is screaming. But I have to calm myself. The woman I love is going away for Easter holiday with her children trying to recover of her divorce. I talked to her and wished her good vacation and acted very reasonable. I do not think that she realizes that I am in love with her. I just mentioned that we should talk later and finish the photo work sometime after Easter. Now I am not going to talk with her for a wile and I see if i can recover a little. But I miss her deeply already. This is like some kind of madness. I must stop being like this
I told you in previous post that once I told this girl that I have a crush on that I had a crush on her but then I turned it into a sort of a joke afterwards. Now she act like she has never heard about it. I wonder if she is realizes that I am in love with her and remember this. Was it wrong of me to tell her?
I don't know the whole story but I would imagine that, as long as she is treating you the same way, she is just trying to make you feel comfortable and is demonstrating that she wants to continue being your friend. Again, I cannot comment on whether she reciprocates feelings or not and unfortunately I think it is reasonable to think that she might not. But I can say that I have fielded my fair share of crushes from single women... because I rarely pursued women, women usually pursued me. If they told me they had a crush on me, I would act like they never said anything and I would continue going on like that had never happened. I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with them and I didn't want whatever relationship (friendship, professional, etc.) we had pre-confession to change. So I think that that may be very possible. I think you feeling self-conscious about this is totally normal as you made yourself vulnerable to her. I am not a stranger to the feeling!
Hi Jnr183 Yes you are probably right about this. I do want to keep her around as a friend. And it is nice of her to treat me the same way. I will try to overcome these feelings for her. You tell me that you are not a stranger to this feeling. Did you manage to control them? What method did you use? I would appreciate it if you could tell me.
