Just Cant do it

Hi Jake.

Always nice to meet a gay man.

Two outcomes, maybe three;

1) you tell
2) you mentally break
3) you suffer silently living a life you don't like till it is too late


People make life choices everyday. Choose wisely.

I would like to see you happy. Choose that route.

Tom

 

guess everyone circumstances are different..if you dont know what to do would suggest take some counselling..a trained professional might be able to help you navigate these tricky times..sometimes just opening up and talking about you issues in safe environment can make all the difference..

 

Hey Jake,

I know how you feel, life really sucks sometimes

 

Hi,

Life is great!

Why waste it unhappy!!!!!!!

This is reality. Stuff comes, stuff goes. There are ups and downs but you SURVIVE it all.

If you lose it all you still got you, and there is the prise.

Tom

 

I understand what you're going through completely and my current struggle is the aftermath of the breakup of my marriage, losing that familiar family life. I hate to be discouraging and since everyone's situation is different, what I have gone through has no bearing on what someone else, like yourself, will go through. I attend various support groups and social gatherings for gay men and I would say that most of the married gay men I've met feel great relief after they've told their wives the truth. Many feel liberated and go out and have a great time. It hasn't been that way for me at all. I've lost a lot and gained next to nothing. I'm lonely and fearful of the future. For me one of the worst parts is the hurt and disappointment in people I thought were my friends who have dropped me from their lives like a hot potato. The only thing that helps me is staying relentlessly busy, which I am; I work long days and am taking on more. Fortunately my wife (still my wife) and I have managed to stay a bit more than civil. We both try hard not to hurt each other; recently we had dinner which was the first time since I moved out 1 1/2 years ago. I am grateful for that and for my kids, who are amazingly loving. But they are in college, just starting their independent lives and they're not around too much. In any event, doglover, the thing is try as one might, and I tried mighty hard for a long time, the truth must come out. The basic truth for me was that I just didn't want to have sex anymore with my wife while fantasizing about being with men. My wife sensed my lack of interest, since it was obvious, and confronted me. What else could I say? It is a matter of time but I hope you can find some support somewhere since it is a difficult road.

 

I get how that feels. But aren't you also losing something right now by not allowing yourself to be yourself?

 

Well, I can only speak for myself. I know that other guys have had different experiences. Once I realized just how much damage I was doing to myself, and also to her the longer I waited, I knew that I needed to make some changes even if those hurt too. Growth is also painful.

I'm coming up on a year, and there are still times when some sadness at the loss catches up to me, or shock at how much my life has changed so fast that I felt like I couldn't keep up. But, overall it's been better. And as time passes, and the raw wounds heal some, I'm able to feel much more of the positive.

 

Jake;

What is more valuable than your life? I'm not talking that your suicidal; rather each day you allow stress to eat at you is a day that your health slips. I should know - I came so close to death that doctors were telling my then wife that I likely only had hours; she had better let my family know to come say goodbye.

I did survive, but I not without some lasting effects. One thing I did learn from the ordeal is life is too short to be miserable. I'm now divorced and moving towards happier days.

Stacy

 

Jake, check out the book Gareth Thomas - Pride. He was one of the first out pro athletes. He was married to a woman & dealt with tremendous trials & tribulations. I would highly recommend checking it out.

 

Jake,

at some point, you may decide the benefits of being true to yourself are worth the risks of loosing everything you have gotten acustomed to. That was the point I reached, and I choice to be true to myself. I know this is not always the case, but for me, after some initial struggles, challenges and pain, as I look back, everything has now actually improved. My former wife and I now have an honest relationship (albeit separate), my kids and I have a real relationship, my career did not miss a beat.

You need to be comfortable with yourself and whatever decision you make. Wiegh the pros and cons and see where the scale comes out for yourself.

 

If you are gay and not being fulfilled in your marriage, i'll bet neither is she and being female myself her first thought will be her looks or her body is the problem or at the minimum she is to blame in her mind without telling you naturally. though I don't claim to know your details, I know we always sense when something is wrong and try all sorts of things behind the scenes to fix it. You are a man and probably can't understand but the bottom line is eventually many unsatisfying years may pass before the divorce or death which those days can never be reclaimed for either of you. Do you want to loose a second more being a unfulfilled couple? Yes October 31, 2014 I left my house I own as I type this and the eight acres it sits on to escape a man I could not trust with my future and my heart bleeds every day, but I now live 80 miles away in a apartment at the beach hidden from everyone in that town and have started a new life that is more fulfilling where I don't have to be John in public and June the toy at home! Everyone just knows and accepts me as June here and it has payed off as I now am free to be me and I have made plenty of new friends who love June and would not know who you are talking about I was addressed as John. In a way I am free of that prison I bought back in 2005 when I was 33 yo. I can't get those 10 years of my life back! No one here cares, they just love me and the people who can't handle it, of which so far there is none can keep on trucking down the road because I have to be true to myself first to really live happy! I suggest you seek out a counselor before lowering the boom on her or deciding to live a lie till death. He/ she will here more details than we on here ever will to give the best advise. As old Clark Griswald told Ellen on National lampoons Vacation "Nothing worthwhile is easy Ellen, you know that." it can go either way for you but neither is going to be easy! Good Luck! June

 

but you're throwing away your life, hiding who you really are.. isn't that losing more?

 

^thats a good point

Jake will all be here for you but c'mon you can't be married forever.

 

You, doglover, have to choose a time and way to do this that can work for you and hopefully your wife. It is a difficult path to travel and hopefully it will lead you to who you are and want to be. From my experience, I think it's good to plan this; hopefully you can find a therapist who can talk this through with you. In a group I was in recently, it came up that when thou come out to your wife it's good to have an idea of what you want, what you are looking for. Hope it all works out for you.