Hi EC, I'm posting this in the "Later in life" section, since people here have a lot of valuable experience and insight regarding coming out to oneself and one's long-time partner. I'm "only" 32, but I read and recognize myself in a lot of posts here. I've recently told my boyfriend of 10 years that I'm questioning. I suspect I'm homosexual. My body has been in a "waking up" sort of state during the last month. I feel much like a teenager, with intense emotions, altogether new physical sensations, etc. I couldn't hold it in any longer and told my boyfriend that I'm not sure what I am. He's been reacting with denial, depression, frustration, saying he's desperate. He's said some hurtful things, f ex "You always identify with outsiders". That hurts a lot to hear, because I'm not buying into an ideology or anything. This has to do with emotions: real, raw emotions, and with being myself, admitting my nature, liberating my will, my desires, the life-force inside. I'm tired of trying to be someone other people need me to be. How much should I share with him? How can I help him understand without hurting his feelings? This is an earthquake in my life, happening very slowly, and it's changing everything and the way I look at myself and my life. Should I for example tell him how it makes me feel to think about men in a sexual way, women in a sexual way, sexual fantasies etc...? Just to make it clear that how I feel about women is very different from how I feel about men. Or should I let him be in denial. Perhaps I should focus on myself and not try to "satisfy" him. He wants to see me often and he wants me to reassure him, he's asking me to say reassuring things to him... I don't want to go back to the silence at the back of the closet and feel only confusion all day long. I want to be clear with myself and with him that this is real. At the same time, I need to protect my own heart and avoid saying things I'm not ready to say. Any advice? Thanks guys.
It is not really your job to help him understand, I think. It know if you shared a lot of intimate thoughts with him, it might be tempting to want to also share the new feelings that you are going through, but they are by definition opposite to his. Focus on finding things out for yourself and dealing with them first: if you are sharing your feelings with him, it might lead to more confusion for yourself, because he might view your sexuality as a personal attack on himself ( it happened to me, it took ages for my ex partner to at least understand that it had nothing to do with what he did /does). He might also try to argue against you- and your feelings, which again could prolong the process of acceptance. Your sexuality is NOT about him, or your relationship, and in my opinion he should not be informed about the process, but rather presented with the facts, when you are ready to present them in a way which cannot be argued with. He will most likely not accept them as they come, after all you have had months/years to at least suspect that you might not be straight, and had more time to adjust yourself to the idea, for him it will be much more new, and he will need more time to adjust himself to it, but it is not really your job to help him with it. Also be prepared for a long battle and conflict with your own feelings: you will most likely feel contradictory emotions such as love/need for your partner, grief that the relationship cannot work out, as well as happiness about finding yourself.
I cannot add much more to what LooseMoose told you. However, he does need to understand one thing: that you got into this relationship with what was your then understanding of what it means to love a man; that you had no idea at the time how powerful and different it feels when you could love a woman and that yes, you have struggled with this for a very long time. All you can give him is compassion and understanding, you cannot expect him to understand right away, that is all you can do.
I strongly agree with the comments above. And I totally agree that you need to protect your own heart and not say things you aren't ready to say. I also want to point out that you can't be his primary emotional support in dealing with all of this--it's just not a role you CAN fill even if you want to.
You don't have to explain anything. Your BF should be happy for you. If he isn't then he's not really your friend, is he? And 10 years? Really? Time to move on.
Thanks very much for your answers, everyone. Very sound advice. The more I look at this, the more I see how I've confused love and need for a best friend with romantic love. Also I find that I love him unconditionally... It feels good to know I have a lot of love in my heart. It's just not the sexual or romantic kind.
that is selfish. he deserves to know what is really going on, he's invested 10 years of his life into a relationship. it's up to the OP to decide what to share, but being honest is almost always the best solution. OP.. life is too short to be unhappy, and i totally agree about living to please/be someone else for other people. if you aren't happy, then maybe it's time to depart and explore the real you.
Hi, I don't have great advice to give but I am in a similar situation. I was with a man (always have been with only men) for years, and recently we broke up and part of it because I don't A) enjoy hetero sex and B) my attraction to girls is growing stronger and stronger. And it is really difficult situation, like yours - I don't want to hurt him, I love him, but I can't be with him.
Thanks scub and bifemme for your replies. Discovering oneself is a never-ending journey. Currently I'm hiding in the back of whatever kind of closet I'm in. In time I'm sure I'll understand what all this is about, what I truly want in life and what I need. It's all part of growing up it seems. Wishing everyone that might be reading this a great day
