Hi All, I'm an older married man who has always had gay feelings yet I have not had the courage to act on them. Lately those feelings and desires have become even stronger and occupy my thoughts almost constantly. Frankly the only reason that I have not acted on my feelings is that I haven't found a partner. There are not many gay men in my circle of friends. Anyway, I am excited about finding new friends on this site who can I share my thoughts with. I know that I am missing out on so much and that I am not being true to myself. I feel better just writing this post.
Hi jwes, welcome to EC! You have come to the right place, and in the right section too! You no doubt have read many of our stories, of coming out, of losses and gains, and of self-discovery. I trust you will find what you need as you work through this difficult but rewarding path. I look forward to hearing your story!
Welcome to EWC, jwes! It's surprising when you realize just how many people have followed similar paths. And survived....even learned to thrive. I was just past 50, married with 2 teenagers, when I decided I couldn't bury my gay self any longer and decided to start cautiously letting a few select people know I was gay. Quite honestly, I had no expectations of any real significant life changes as a result, and didn't even expect to be fully out and split from my wife until my youngest was out of high school in 2019. I certainly wasn't expecting to find a partner (and I wasn't looking for one either). I just wanted to quietly start acknowledging the big secret I had hidden for decades, and living with some integrity, even if it meant being alone in the long run. So after some soul-searching I told my wife, and while it wasn't pretty, I survived, and things didn't change immediately. You can focus on just being who you are, rather than focus on "acting" on it with a partner. It's very comforting to be able to be honest about yourself. I noticed little changes in my behavior, imperceptible to most people, except that they commented that I seemed to be happier and more sure of myself. Accepting yourself will do that. I work with several gay and gay-friendly people, so even though we're not close friends, at least I had someone to talk to about it. If you can find some small niche where you can be open, it really helps (real life is great, but EC works too!). As for the rest of it, a year and a half after telling my wife, we're close to our court date to be legally separated (divorced eventually, but she needs to get more financially sound first), the kids know and have accepted me, I'm out to most of my family and a number of friends, and I've been seeing a great guy for a little over a year whom I met purely by crazy chance, without even looking for anyone. This isn't an easy experience, to be sure. But think if it as a way to become a stronger and more honest and more real person, and it's much easier to face whatever happens. It's definitely worth it.
Thanks for the responses. It is so empowering just to be finally writing about my true feelings. I'm considering confiding in a lesbian co-worker. I trust her and I think she suspects anyway. I have probably shown more than a passing interest in gay issues during previous discussions with her.
jwes, Welcome to EC and, in particular, LGBT Later in Life. It sounds as if you don't have a spouse or children tom worry about. Many of us do. Basically, despite various twists, you'll find we travel similar paths. You will find a very supportive group. Give us a holler any time.
Actually I am married. She has no idea about my feeling and desires, although we don't have sex anymore. I'm afraid to blow everything up at this stage in my life, but everyday I am moving to closer to that decision. I have very little doubt that I am gay and I want to finally be honest about it. Even as I write these posts I feel a weight being lifted. I can tell that this site is exactly what I need.
I am only 3 months out and separated from my wife of 28 years. It hasn't been easy and I have received a great deal of support from the folks on this site. You need to do things in your time because it is certainly a process. Hindsight is 20/20 and there are many things that I should and could have done differently. But, for me, I had to be true to myself and spend how every many years I have free to be me. Before I was just a shell of societal expectations. Poke around in here and you find some very divergent and similar points of view on many aspects of accepting who you are and how you might go about it. Best to you!
I'll just echo what SWburbchgo said. I'm eight months out of the closet and still living amicably with my wife (though in separate bedrooms, pursuing separate romantic interests). We're still best of friends and moving toward an amicable resolution to our marriage (of 30 years). I'm happier than I have been in a long while and don't regret coming out for an instant.
How did you always know? Could it be that your confused? Would it not be better to try it out before ruining everything with you wife?
